#being25

Nothing in my life makes sense. I’ve moved away from home with a boyfriend I’m drifting apart from and I’m holding on to my best friend like a life raft. Only problem is, she can’t hold both our weight. I’ve never made friends easily. I have a hard time getting past the superficial. I don’t really want to go deeper with most people. I have trust issues. Insecurity issues. Abandonment issues. You name it, I’ve got it. Letting people in is an invitation to judge. I don’t want people to know the real me. I have rejection issues.... The friends that I do make I lose easily. I can’t maintain relationships. I like beginnings, but I’m not that great at middles or ends. You could say I have a problem with “follow through”.

I’m not sure what it is? It’s possible that I settle for the instant gratification. I meet someone new, and we hit it off and hang out a few times and I feel great and like I’m making progress and I feel so much better about my situation. So much so, that I gradually stop spending time with them. Once you get to a certain point people start expecting more from you. Not necessarily a higher quantity of time spent, but a higher quality. People crave deep attachment. To know and understand others so they can see if the reflecting pool inside of your soul could show them something a little familiar. Well, my reflecting pool is private. Blocked off and no one’s allowed to wade.

Maybe I just get bored? Maybe once the thrills of budding friendship are gone and all that’s left is emotional and mental maintenance I bail. I’m not good at sugar-coating things or at making people feel better. I’m good at giving my exact opinion and saying exactly what I think and feel. I’m REALLY good at telling people the things they’re least likely to want to hear. And let’s face it, at a certain point of friendship you’re done with the fun getting to know each other part. Swapping war stories, listening to music in cars, going for long walks. The stories you swap get grim. The music you listen to makes you cry. And when you go for long walks you no longer get winded from trying to speak as much as you can with every falling foot step. You walk in silence. You don’t want to tell me about your day or your boyfriend or your shitty job because I’ll just tell you the exact ways it’s in your control, or that maybe you’re wrong. I guess I’ve lost some of sympathy.

I don’t try to be mean. I really don’t. It’s coming from a place that genuinely cares and wants to help. Also, I HATE lying. I detest it. If you come to me with your problems or for advice I’m going to be brutally honest. I’m not going to coddle you and tell you all the reasons you’re right. If you’re being a shit head I’m going to let you know. Even if it makes you upset or uncomfortable. I feel like telling people what they want to hear does a disservice to them. I think challenging people’s perception of their actions and ideals is what strengthens them, and as a friend all I want is to be someone who helps the people I love be the best versions of themselves. Sometimes that means nudging them into acknowledging their mistakes and terrible choices so that the next time they can do better.

I do feel as though these traits make me unloveable. Confrontational. Abrasive. It’s hard to find people who can look past these qualities and still want to be my friend.

Well, it's been a while that i haven't posted a written blog post, but let's just say "so many stuff has happened in my life." But, to whoever is reading this, let me put you up to speed what's been poppin' in my life... long story short: Have been staying at home, unemlpoyed since after my graduation, last year. As always, recording song on my laptop and now taking TLP Music (my music organisation/company), to another level - being an official partner and division with SLIK Studios and the KZN Midlands Youth Choir. And now, I’ve turned  to the next chapter of my life - my new job.

I now work, as an intern at Computer Skills for Africa, which is not the kinda job I would expect to be in my field (in Music), but I do know a bit more about computers. to explain my experience so far, I had to write an article about my experience so far as an intern:

‘CS4A Internship – My Experience

“Well, it’s quite a learning process, I must say.” – That is probably my introductory quote for this post. But, let me introduce myself properly. My name is Thembinkosi Khumalo, and I am an Intern at Computer Skills for Africa.

So far, my experience here at CS4A is well, a little, intimidating, based on the challenges and tasks I face on my day-to-day basis (considering the fact that I work two days a week). I’ve been an intern since 7 June 2017. Not only do I work here as an intern, but I also learn and study to get my other qualifications, for example, my GCP, ICDL, etc. I was a little intimidated about the pass mark for GCP Assessment, which, in my high school and college experience, “GAINING A 100% MARK IS NOT THAT EASY!” …but, it’s worth a try.

To describe my feeling on working here, well, I would say for now, I am happy working here and learning to adjust into the CS4A environment. From what I experienced so far, well, it was a little bit challenging, but I have managed to get through every week. And I say this, it’s quite a learning process, but that’s what happens when you learn new things as a person, out of your comfort zone. It’s a bit fun to work here (even if you get mentally tired in front of the computer working), but it’s something that I deal with in my life. I’m grateful for this job, and I thank God for guiding me. I also thank my mom and grandma for their encouragement and support, and I thank the CS4A Team by having me as their intern, and to be part of their CS4A Family.’

But then, there would be a time I would take another step in my life, not knowing if I wanna switch lanes or stay on my lane....Oh, well, we’ll never know. Time will tell

I found this insightful article that explains exactly what I have been going through since I turned 25, not so recently ago. The interesting thing is that it is from a Parisian online magazine, which means it is an international crisis, and that some how comforts me even more. Well, it turns out I need therapy, but Ive known that since I was 5.

Also, I am in love with these two Parisian girls and their youtube show!