#being suffocated

Bismuth: A builder falling apart

When she still thought that Rose Quartz was honest and cared about the lesser gems, the ones who didn't know what it was to be free or independent, Bismuth had a lot of dreams. Many of them were wild and crazy if you were a Homeworld gem, but when Rose heard about them, her eyes shone with excitement and smiled big. That was the sign that Bismuth's Bismuth was going to be extraordinary.

But to make it real, sacrifices were required and so, the Crystal Gems, Bismuth's new family, went to that list by sacrificing their lives for the future they deserved. So many friends shattered, so many tears shed, the tragedies multiplied as much as the victories. Bismuth was adamant to fulfill her dreams not only because she wanted to but also because failing would be the same as insulting the bravery of her fallen comrades. She was sure Rose would support her.

But then the Breaking Point was shown to Rose and everything went downhill.

'Shattering was wrong no matter the reasons' she said, 'The Crystal Gems aren't like the Diamonds' she said.

Bismuth couldn't believe it nor comprehend it. Here she was, with the solution to win the war and rid of the upper crusts and the tyranny of Homeworld and Rose refused because shattering was wrong?! It's not that Bismuth wasn't aware of the wrongness of destroying a gem, she had seen many of her own kin being shattered for the stupidest of reasons or any other lesser gem who was defective or too rebellious to deal with; however, they weren't in a charity mission. This was war, and in a war you needed, no, should dirty your own hands if you wanted to become a winner and not gravel to spit to.

But like her, Rose was determined and stubborn, and in just minutes, everything Bismuth had been fighting for ended up in shambles: her Breaking Point was left in the forge, she was bubbled and hidden, her plans completely ruined. All of them except one: shattering the Diamonds. It was funny and tragic in the way someone wasn't sure what to do, laugh or cry; Rose refused to accept her idea to shatter their enemy but still stole that same idea and twisted it for her own gain.

Well, Bismuth should've known that was going to happen coming from a lying, self-entitled upper crust because they loved to take all the credit for themselves while the rest of the gems worked endlessly and were denied to enjoy the fruits of their job. That was the rotten Bismuth Rose Pink Diamond- did when she ordered Pearl to help her in faking her shattering.

A cold and vicious sensation consumed her immaterial guts.

It was like every part of them, all that they had done, the efforts and sacrifices Bismuth put on her dreams and ideas didn't belong to any of the Crystal Gems nor her, but to Pink Diamond.

They never truly rebelled because they were still working for a Diamond, Bismuth was still obeying a Diamond. One in disguise, of course, but the 'following orders' part was there. She felt like the foundation of her future was never hers from the beginning for Pink's shadow always loomed over her form. And maybe that's how Steven felt all this time until the cactus incident and his sudden disappearance happened.

To think she had thought he was Rose, trying to get away from the consequences of her actions again by lying, made her ill to her very core. If it weren't for Steven she wouldn't be here with many of her friends: Snowflake, Biggs, Crazy Lace, living the life they deserved but much richer than everything they had ever imagined. Little Homeworld and Little Homeschool were such wild and amazing plans, watching humans and gems coexisting in peace, interacting as if they were friends for millennia. Steven gave them hope to build all of this, to make it true and enjoy it.

But him? What did he have?

Now that she thought about it, every time he accomplished something incredible, it wasn't for his own gain but for others' sake.

Reaching for peace between Earth and Homeworld? That was to protect his loved ones and his home. Healing the corrupted gems? It was to give a closure for the ones who participated in the war whether they were Crystal Gems or enemies. Having meeting after meeting with the Diamonds? It’s not that he had an option, right? Those giant tyrants were too fixed on Pink to give Steven a bit of space and he was too determined to let them fall into their old, violent habits.

So he had to give up. Not in the sense of surrendering, of course, but give up any chances of having something for himself. She didn’t know Steven as well as Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl, or even Greg, but after hearing all that he had done and how proud they were for him, it became disturbingly clear for Bismuth that Steven didn’t have a dream that he could put the term ‘my’ because, again, those dreams were based on Pink’s influence.

His powers, being like Rose Pink, not being like her, fixing her mistakes. Geez, if she had been Steven, she would have snapped already. How could he handle the pressure and the fact that almost every victory in his life was just to honor someone who never deserved it while being left with nothing?

No wonder he ran away. He must have felt sick of even hearing Rose’s Pink’s name, and after what Pearl told her of his ‘pink outburst’ –since when he could do that? - when Volleyball explained that her cracked eye was Pink’s doing –of course, typical of upper crusts, they can’t control themselves! - it was pretty obvious Steven just wanted to be very far away from that mess.

And he had thought that finally he could live a peaceful life, no more screwup-cleaning, no more facing someone’s crimes, just him, his family and his happily ever after. Bismuth was also excited about that, to have a moment of peace and joy, to share it with him.

But then, Spinel came to Earth for revenge.

And guess who the one responsible was for that thirst of revenge and for ruining Steven’s retirement day.

Pink.

And who had to clean a new mess again?

Steven.

So, yeah, too much for a suffocating petty Pink. Too little for a kind, merciful Steven.

Stars, maybe Bismuth was projecting too much of her feelings onto Steven’s issues, wasn’t she? But, nonetheless, she could understand why he left, or just the parts that her hunches were signaling.

But there was also the enormous ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ red signal in her head that wanted for Steven to come back. Not that she was mad at him or anything. Steven may have ran away, though it wasn’t cowardice the cause but utter despair and pain. Two things she knew darkly well because of the war and experiences someone like Steven didn’t deserve in his life.

If she could find him. If Bismuth could somehow talk with him via telepathy or dreams, she would tell him that it would be ok even if it didn’t look like it.

So, what if his life was based on acting or not acting like Pink? What if he gave up too many things for others and didn’t have aspirations for himself? What if Pink’s shadow completely suffocated him and stole from him his peace and time for the things he liked?

That didn’t mean he couldn’t built himself and his life on a foundation of his own liking. That didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to determine how his path might be even if the others wouldn’t understand. That didn’t mean he should let her mother’s legacy consume him even if he was part of that legacy.

Steven was a Crystal Gem and much better than anyone. He could fight with both powers and words. He could be strong with fierceness and compassion. But most importantly, he was his and therefore he could choose. He could be whole again.

However, he didn’t know it or maybe he stopped believing that was possible for him. Well, that little Bismuth wouldn’t be a problem for too long.