#behhhhhh

Beh *snif* babababwa

guess I’m in full “I have a cold” mode now

its hard to describe my state of mind over the last like, year almost, but, its like always being two steps out of the moment, dwelling on it as though it's already passed; any good is met with low in equal or greater measure, i want not, need not, just wanna be left alone yet, need something, presence? who? I used to be really self sufficient and solitary? i feel out of place everywhere even with the scarce few that i feel at home with, i fear some kind of loss or imminent absence; like I'll lose something or someone, or I'll be edged out of my niche or group, even if at times I'd almost rather have nothing outside of myself. all insubstantial fear. gripping paranoid anxiety, but presenting as the delayed, dull ache that ive trained it to be. ive let go of growing or meeting people, it has no real appeal to me; i only really aspire to thrive in my place in the dirt. but there are higher parts of me that are tuned into aspects outside myself, pieces of others, that i cant seem to let go of. i shouldn't let go of it, clearly, but these things manifest in ways that are tiresome. draining. useless. but i cant shake it. let me be ennui; let me be blase, let me be hollow, rather than consumed, ok? or at least consumed by things that matter, in ways that are meaningful or useful to me