#behavior mod

Let’s start out this weekly review post by doing going day-to-day on the rewards I earned.

Day 8: Three small rewards; one medium.

Smashbox PhotoFinish Primer, FP. Not a bad primer, but it’s one I’ve used before, which means I’m kinda meh about writing a formal review.

Almay Liquid Lip Balm in 400 Lilac Love. Top swatch. I’m excited for this as it really does feel more smoothing rather than a sticky gloopy gloss.

TWP Ahh-vocado! Sample Vial. One word currently: YES. Review to come soon (hopefully, if I can ever get my stuff together and stop re-applying it every hour just because I love the smell).

Julep Lip Gloss

Day 9: Three small and one large reward

This day was the first day I got “nothing” as a reward for doing a behavior (5/5 goals achieved, but note only 4 rewards). I felt a little irritated, despite knowing it was a possibility. That said, I also knew I could get a reward the next time, so I didn’t feel unmotivated, which is the point of the system. Anyway, this day, I got:

Missha All Around Safe Waterproof Sun Milk. I used this on Saturday, and I think I like it but I’m not sure. It was very thin and easily rubbed into my skin. I will most likely not do a full review, but it is added to my list of potential sunscreens to repurchase.

Etude House Double Lasting Foundation Foils in Fair, Vanilla, and Ivory. I received a couple packets last week in a few other shades, and I believe I have one packet left to “complete” the collection. Once it’s complete, I’ll do swatches and a wear test on a color, if one is close enough to my skin tone.

Korres Wild Rose Vitamin C Brightening Oil. I’ll be honest; I’m scared to use this. It’s in my queue, though.

Anskin Cool-Ice Modeling Mask. This was my “large” reward, and I’m very excited. I haven’t used it yet because I told a friend that once I earned it, I would wait to use it until we could try it together! I still haven’t told her 😛

Day 10: One small reward.

This day was a particularly hard day, in which I had a rough day while Boyfriend was at work, didn’t go to the gym due to a miscommunication, and then proceeded to eat too much because we ordered in dinner and I didn’t even bother attempting to estimate what I ate.

That said, I did drink enough water, and I earned Revlon’s Lipstick in 660 Berry Haute, which is a definite berry shade on me and one I am excited to review. My HG lipstick is this formula (Mauvy Night), just as an FYI. I’m biased.

Day 11: One small, one medium, and one large reward (+ one “nothing”).

After Day 10, Day 11 felt much better. It started off with going to the gym, and even though it involved too much ice cream and eating out with my parents, I felt much happier and did manage to talk myself into tracking what I ate, even though I felt ashamed to admit just how much ice cream I consumed… I still did 4/5 behaviors and earned 3 rewards for it!

CoverGirl Katy Kat Matte Lipstick in Kitty Purry. This is the top swatch, and it… well, it looks an awful lot like Delicious, a color I got last week. Still excited though! I picked this color out very thoughtfully.

Too Cool for School Dinoplatz Lip Balm in #1 Spilled Wine. This is the second swatch. It’s a grape-jelly smelling gel-like lip balm that is tinted to look like a dark red wine (“spilled wine”) but provides a lovely slight berry stain. I have two more colors waiting to be earned, and once I do, there will definitely be full reviews.

Etude House Play Color Eyes in Juice Bar. After being disappointed with the Blend quad, I was a little nervous about this. So far, it has swatched nicely, but it is quite warm with quite a bit of oranges! I’m interested in seeing how these work on my eyes.

Day 12: One small, one medium, and one large reward

1/2 Medium Reward for my small reward- I realized I have a lot of medium products compared to the most likely scenario, and I can’t seem to find much more small rewards to reach that most likely scenario. So I added a bunch of these!

CoverGirl TruNaked Roses Palette. Swatches off to the side. I have done a look with this already, and I find that it works really well with my eyes.

Blinc Electric Eyes Palette. This is the one I got from my Boxycharm this week, so I’m really excited to get this so soon! It swatched beautifully (not shown).

Day 13: Three small rewards and one medium.

1/2 Medium Reward- another one!! This is the second “1/2 medium” I’ve gotten this week, but I waited until the end of the week to “cash” these in.

CoverGirl InstantCheekBones in 230 Refined Rose. Swatches are there on the bottom right. I’ve been wanting to try these trios because I’m curious about their formula (compared to the other Cheekers). Hopefully will be reviewing!

The Organic Pharmacy Lip + Eye Cream. This is a deluxe sample tube, and I’m not sure if I want to open it yet. I’m currently working on a 5ml tube of eye cream, and it’s taking forever to pan.

Dinoplatz Lip Balm in #5 Pinky Pie. What’s the probability that I’d get two of these this week?! (Answer: about 0.2% chance). However, I’m pretty excited. I used this on Tuesday throughout work, and it’s a beautiful light tint on my lips! You can see the slight tint on that top right swatch. I can’t wait to do a full-on review of these lip balms!

Day 14: Three small rewards (+ one “nothing”).

(2) 1/2 Medium Rewards- which means another full medium prize to pick!

Twisted Wonderland Perfumery “Stay Puft.” This is a very marshmallowy scent- so sweet! Can’t wait to do a review!

My Additional Rewards:

TonyMoly Pikachu Mini Cover Cushion. It’s a pikachu-themed cushion foundation! I have opened it up and (shockingly), it might be too light for me right now.

Too Cool for School Egg Mousse Pack. This stuff claims to make “rough, dull skin smooth and radiant in 5 minutes.” I don’t know why I haven’t tried this yet, but it’s probably due to the overwhelming about of open deluxe sample face masks I have…

Weekly Thoughts and Recap

This week I lost another couple pounds, so I’m down just over five. I don’t like getting too specific into the numbers, but at the beginning as I’m still planning my food intake and exercise, I do feel the need to hone in fast-enough-but-not-too-fast, you know? I think about 2/week is a good pace.

This week I had two days in which I did not meet my energy balance awareness goals- Friday and Saturday. On Friday, Boyfriend and I miscommunicated about the gym and we ended up not going and instead ordering food (he wasn’t going to eat a real dinner… sorry, honey, but diet orange soda has no nutrients). I couldn’t even guess at what was in my dinner nutrition-wise, so I didn’t. On Saturday, my parents were in town and we went out to eat. I did guess at that one, but I ended up splitting a giant thing of ice cream with my sister, parents, and Boyfriend because I’d rather have memories and fun with people I love than lose an extra half a pound, tbh.

In terms of how I think the program is going: this was the first week in which I had the possibility of getting no reward for doing a behavior. I did notice feeling disappointment the three times that happened, but that isn’t what kept me away from my goals. I’ve noticed that my anxiety is one thing that keeps me from the gym. I don’t know how to adjust rewards to deal with this; I just need to work through some of that anxiety. I know that even if I were to insta-give myself a large reward (even the large ones I’m very excited for), I would probably still not go to the gym when my issue is anxiety, and I still wouldn’t be more energy-minded if Boyfriend’s health/happiness was on the line or if I hadn’t seen my family in several weeks and we were going out to eat. I am 100% okay with this, as I still want to live my life. The main point of this behavior mod is to be mindful of energy and choose non-food coping skills when my emotions are unbalanced.

Next week, there will be a higher chance of getting a “nothing” reward, and I’m a little scared honestly that my motivation will start to fail. I have four more work days (Sat, Sun, Mon, and then Wednesday), and I’m nervous that with the group of kids we have currently, I’ll be coming home so drained that without massive rewards, I’ll just ruin my goals ): I’m going to try positive talk though so counteract this.

TO AN AFRICAN … UNION

Near end space-time’s upon us. Art fears that albeit hope in Hopi prophesy, ends,

do … near. @BernieSanders @HillaryClinton @_AfricanUnion

Art (Arthur Everman) fears too that a union, African, sees not more broadly, union’s

value.  @BernieSanders @HillaryClinton @_AfricanUnion

@POTUS ” … #Africa today … opportunity for this #NextGeneration.” And #thisgeneration?

@BernieSanders @HillaryClinton @UN 

I was exposed to behavior mod techniques that were sometimes straight out of Lovaas practically ("I'll stop hitting you when you look me in the eye!") and more "positive" ones.  I want to talk about how the "positive" behavior mod harmed me.

I was in a sort of after-school day program thing for kids in the psych system.  It was supposed to keep us out of trouble and out of our parents' hands for awhile.  We each got a staff person (called a "mentor", a term I hated, because I think real mentorship relationships are rare and have to be earned that title).  Or actually a set of staff people who were different on different days.  They'd pick us up after school and do things with us.

So by this point I'd already been through behavior mod -- the negative type -- that taught me that going into my room alone was bad and that I had to be around people.  That was at a residential treatment facility I spent somewhere in the vicinity of 6-9 months at.

But at this after-school program, it was different.  The staff person knew that I loved to eat an extremely varied amount of interesting kinds of food.  She told me that she would take me out for different kinds of food -- Italian, Japanese, etc. -- once a week, if all week long, I wrote in my diary once a day about one way in which I had socialized with other people.

I didn't even think of the idea that I could lie about this, so I socialized more and she said what a great person I was for behavior mod because I was so easily food-motivated and stuff.

To me, at the time, it was like, all the pesto gnocchi I can eat?  Sign me up!

But it had a serious effect on me, long-term.

Which was that I lost the ability -- between the "good" and the "bad" behavior mod, both -- to recognize and respond to overload.  This resulted in excruciating pain, among other things.  It resulted in more meltdowns and shutdowns in public places, when in the past I had been able to run to my room before things like that started.  It resulted in getting stranded in public places too disoriented to get home, the police getting called to report the disoriented wandering person, and the whole works.  The overall effect on me was horrendous.

And yet most people would see the program as harmless.  At least the program with the food -- the ones before might or might not be seen as bad depending on the person.

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do and how to be, I learned from my behavioral therapist before I was 5 years old.

These are the things I learned:

Life isn't fair.

Sometimes you get punished when you don't understand what you did wrong.

Sometimes you get punished for not trying when you were doing the best that you can.

Sometimes the people in control think you are stupid and that they are smart, but if they were really smart they'd know you weren't stupid.

Grown ups don't share and never say they are sorry.

The teacher doesn't care about what's important to you.

Feelings don't matter, only doing matters.

Do exactly as you are told and you get a cookie.

Don't question why you are being told to do something, just do it, and quickly.

Being autistic is a bad thing.

Don't stare out the window in rapt amazement at the fluttering of leaves on a tree or at the formation of a cloud. It's not allowed.

What is allowed is learning to put a lid on a box, 90 times a day, until you get it "right".

Life is repetetive and boring.

Always hug when told to hug. Always kiss when told to kiss.

Act like a dog, but never say you are a dog.

Act like a robot, but never say you are a robot.

Only say what other people want to hear.

Don't cry when you are in pain, unless they expect you to cry because they expect that you should be in pain.

The only important things you learn are learned from someone holding a clipboard and stop watch.

Thinking independently is a mistake.

It doesn't matter that normal kids don't get treated this way.

To the teacher: eye contact is more important than your pain.

Life is: stimulus - response ... stimulus - response.

Don't try to imagine someone elses thoughts, it's a waste of time.

Saying strings of oral nonsense in response to strings of auditory nonsense is communication. Connecting words to your thoughts and then saying the words is not communication and will get you in trouble.

If other people hit you, it's because you're a bad person or you did something wrong. If you hit back or try to defend yourself... then you're a bad person and you're doing something wrong.

---

By Millford Spiltwater - 6 yrs old (not really)

by Camille (mostly)