#beginning24writes

New seasons began since last December. After much heartfelt seeking and soul searching. Since then, not one day pasts without lessons and head knowledge about relationships become real life-lessons or never imagined before mind-blowing experiences. It might sound like cloud-nine came and visit for awhile. Still needed to keep my feet on the ground and level-headed. My faith as anchor. 

December marked many new beginnings and little joys and heart-skipping moments. So many first-moments. And the event-full birthday. My journal saw these words 

“I had faith 24 would be amazing. That it would be awesome but I could never imagine how awesome it could be. What a way to celebrate turning a year older...Reflecting on 24. I enjoyed it very much... 

I belive #twentyfive is a year to keep moving forward; one step in front of the other. Not letting regrets take its place. Stay focus and keep walking. My prayer : God, continue to use me to impact lives and use me for Your glory. Teach me to be humble and grow me beyond now. Help me to hold steadfast to the faith I profess. Let me be a woman. ” #beginning24writes 

And soon New Year was welcomed by staying home and listening to the neighbors firing away. 

January came with a promise of a new year and new hope and new resolutions. New things meant much adjustments and changes.  As reality begins to set in, I begin to discover even more about myself. I begin my litmus test to see how I fare in building a relationship. There are many things that we can never know not until we have been in it and experience it for ourselves. And January was the beginning of such a season. As feelings developed and different situations occur, the journey starts to get bumpy.  I begin to see my not-so-nice sides. 

February comes all of a sudden and I am thrown a curve-ball. It was the news of having to leave the company due to the main firm was going through a cost-cutting package. ( later I read that 10,000 would lose their jobs). I remember the morning something in me told me to spend time with God. It was a Tuesday. And at that point I had very mixed feelings. When I received the first news inside me felt like a prayer was answered. I had wanted to make a leap into something else that had caught my passion for since years back. Psychology. People development. 

I have a passion for development. To be part of a team of research and analyse people & trends and behavior and develop something from there. To be able to contribute and stand before people 

March was a season to wrap things up. The reality of last day of service approaches. More people are asking me out of concern if I found a job yet or what will I be doing next. Some general answers I’ve been giving people was perhaps find something to teach or get into teaching while I plan for further studies. The anxiety starts to creep in. I make a list of things to do. I planned to meet certain people. I made plans. Underneath all that planning my ears were constantly kept alert as I’d been praying since Nov of 2016. I kept my feet planted until I knew there was only one way to go and only in God’s timing did it happen. And yet struggle of the unknown details of the future is real. 

Where I am now ... 

I’ve known an area of me to think critically, to write, to analyze and to extract quality information out and compile them into something inspiring. I’ve been in the role of handling social media for youth ministry. I wish to do more. I hope to do more. But beyond that, there is that desire to get closer to engage and get my hands dirty through research and development. Does it sound like a huge dream? Yes. And the more I talk to people who ask me questions about what I want to do, the more frustrated I feel. I’m glad for open doors for discussion and possible opportunities and “dream project talks”. I’m aware of the people I should be meeting and talking to get advice from. I’m also aware of what will take priority and my the present circumstances surrounding. 

Beyond all this, I’m on the journey, at a cross-road and at the beginning of a chapter which will define my life. I’m being shaken and I’m experiencing some testing of what I believe in and something I set my eyes on since I was young. 

I feel the fear, inadequacy and inferiority. This morning as I was just sitting and writing in my journal I saw my fears in writing before my eyes. As I stared at the words I saw the insecurities and fear of people’s judgement on me, but I also saw the fear that if I do not take a chance and turn all this around I’ll lose this insight. This dream and uniqueness that’s rare. Not that I am superior that I felt that self-righteous and chosen but my circumstances have shaped me. And who except God could have engineered such things to happen. 

I’ve always loved December. However it also flies by very quickly. Just thinking about how Decembers are always filled with so much to do and prep for the celebrations and New Year that’s around the corner. 

The past three weeks has been the most intense weeks of my 2017. Back to back there planning retreats, youth conference and youth camp. All building up and leading towards the nineteenth of December, Christmas and the New Year. 

A lot had happened and a lot of pieces started making sense. Growing up as a second generation Christian has it’s own set of challenges and with each celebration of my birthday it’s become a habit and tradition to reflect and renew my directions. Last year I started twenty four with faith, and as I was journaling I realized it took faith to position my heart in the right place. Setting my mind to be focused that #morethanthis and “I’m getting there”. Also having to cling on and mark the very moment I received Christ as my Lord and Savior. As young as I was, it was strange to have certain memories deeply ingrained such that whenever I close my eyes I can still recall the very moment. Like the day I went up for altar call and accepted Jesus as my God in a kids bootcamp. Having no idea on what it meant then, but with the faith of a mustard seed and a child the grand invitation presented to me I accepted. 

Now, after twenty four cycles around the sun and today starting out my twenty fifth, I believe #twentyfive would be continuing on #beginning24′s writing journey. Keeping this in mind it’s not about telling people about my age but about marking a significant point in my life. Maybe this post doesnt offer much but putting one step in front of the other and keep on moving forward I look forward to new seasons.

I’m also honored and blessed to know that starting of my 25th cycle around the sun which also marks a new journey with a special someone. That itself is another testimony for another day. My family and my church fam and YL fam have been extremely important people who journeyed with me through the past twenty-four years. I was always convinced this faith race should never be run alone. We need each other. Having people you can lean on and fall back on shapes and makes you. Rubbing shoulders with one another is tough sometimes but it’s also very rewarding in the end. Excited for the days ahead. 

Bejana-Mu, by JPCC Worship

Growing up I had my own thoughts and own desires in one specific area. And yet once I reach this point of my life I realize this life is not my own. I cannot find fulfillment in life from my own direction. As soon as I profess I want to live for You, I find Your tests and my own will being stretched. What was what I wanted and desired now stands on the line of choosing You and Your ways or my own.  Indeed my own ways, timings, actions and plans are so limited. My sense of development and plans for development and growth plans from a human perspective sounds brilliantly intelligent. Yet, when I re-examine the motives and purposes and start counting the costs, I step back cowardly. My whole plan comes crumbling down as I realize nothing that I could have planned or crafted out would be good enough. No matter how I tried using the mind and this physical self You had created me to be.