#borneanmade

New seasons began since last December. After much heartfelt seeking and soul searching. Since then, not one day pasts without lessons and head knowledge about relationships become real life-lessons or never imagined before mind-blowing experiences. It might sound like cloud-nine came and visit for awhile. Still needed to keep my feet on the ground and level-headed. My faith as anchor. 

December marked many new beginnings and little joys and heart-skipping moments. So many first-moments. And the event-full birthday. My journal saw these words 

“I had faith 24 would be amazing. That it would be awesome but I could never imagine how awesome it could be. What a way to celebrate turning a year older...Reflecting on 24. I enjoyed it very much... 

I belive #twentyfive is a year to keep moving forward; one step in front of the other. Not letting regrets take its place. Stay focus and keep walking. My prayer : God, continue to use me to impact lives and use me for Your glory. Teach me to be humble and grow me beyond now. Help me to hold steadfast to the faith I profess. Let me be a woman. ” #beginning24writes 

And soon New Year was welcomed by staying home and listening to the neighbors firing away. 

January came with a promise of a new year and new hope and new resolutions. New things meant much adjustments and changes.  As reality begins to set in, I begin to discover even more about myself. I begin my litmus test to see how I fare in building a relationship. There are many things that we can never know not until we have been in it and experience it for ourselves. And January was the beginning of such a season. As feelings developed and different situations occur, the journey starts to get bumpy.  I begin to see my not-so-nice sides. 

February comes all of a sudden and I am thrown a curve-ball. It was the news of having to leave the company due to the main firm was going through a cost-cutting package. ( later I read that 10,000 would lose their jobs). I remember the morning something in me told me to spend time with God. It was a Tuesday. And at that point I had very mixed feelings. When I received the first news inside me felt like a prayer was answered. I had wanted to make a leap into something else that had caught my passion for since years back. Psychology. People development. 

I have a passion for development. To be part of a team of research and analyse people & trends and behavior and develop something from there. To be able to contribute and stand before people 

March was a season to wrap things up. The reality of last day of service approaches. More people are asking me out of concern if I found a job yet or what will I be doing next. Some general answers I’ve been giving people was perhaps find something to teach or get into teaching while I plan for further studies. The anxiety starts to creep in. I make a list of things to do. I planned to meet certain people. I made plans. Underneath all that planning my ears were constantly kept alert as I’d been praying since Nov of 2016. I kept my feet planted until I knew there was only one way to go and only in God’s timing did it happen. And yet struggle of the unknown details of the future is real. 

Where I am now ... 

I’ve known an area of me to think critically, to write, to analyze and to extract quality information out and compile them into something inspiring. I’ve been in the role of handling social media for youth ministry. I wish to do more. I hope to do more. But beyond that, there is that desire to get closer to engage and get my hands dirty through research and development. Does it sound like a huge dream? Yes. And the more I talk to people who ask me questions about what I want to do, the more frustrated I feel. I’m glad for open doors for discussion and possible opportunities and “dream project talks”. I’m aware of the people I should be meeting and talking to get advice from. I’m also aware of what will take priority and my the present circumstances surrounding. 

Beyond all this, I’m on the journey, at a cross-road and at the beginning of a chapter which will define my life. I’m being shaken and I’m experiencing some testing of what I believe in and something I set my eyes on since I was young. 

I feel the fear, inadequacy and inferiority. This morning as I was just sitting and writing in my journal I saw my fears in writing before my eyes. As I stared at the words I saw the insecurities and fear of people’s judgement on me, but I also saw the fear that if I do not take a chance and turn all this around I’ll lose this insight. This dream and uniqueness that’s rare. Not that I am superior that I felt that self-righteous and chosen but my circumstances have shaped me. And who except God could have engineered such things to happen.