#beginning24

Spring comes with a promise of new life,  After a season of hibernation, Where life seemed to stop.  A layer of snow, of ice and cold, Blankets of white and frost that bites, Hiding a seed of potential. Germinating and awaiting,  For Mother Nature to call it’s name.

The first entry for the year. Where do i begin? Let's begin with a December quick recap. Life in December was expected and forecasted for greatness. Boy did I know what greatness would mean?

Everyone defines greatness differently. So mine was great in my very own personal way. After a rollercoaster ride of almost 10 months, I'm no longer single and available. I'm now someone's significant other. That's right! My own personal adventure for the genre of romance and boy-girl relationship. All those years of reading and watching people talk about relationships what it would mean and imagining how it would look came. It didn't came too soon. Nor too late.

Yet it did feel rather express. But when God's timing is right. A lot would fall quickly into place. So here I am at this stage in life. What happens next I am not sure but I am sure if I keep my feet planted in God and stick to His ways, God will direct my paths.

We will still face struggles even when we meet our significant other.

One of the biggest topics I expect to face even though I am in this phase is still temptation and lust. Guess what, it's something that we all face even in singleness or when we meet our significant other. Temptations in fact becomes greater when we think we do not need to keep a firm check on ourselves. Keeping our conscience in check and our thoughts in control is a decision that we all need to make. #thestruggleisreal becomes my reality now that the attractions and chemistry is permitted to grow in an official relationship. Changing one's status from single to in a relationship does not discount of the struggles and issues faced in singleness. Setting healthy boundaries is now so crucial and having accountability to the people around us keeps our feet on the ground although our heads might be floating on cloud nine.

Being good stewards of God. This area is so broad and general yet it holds some of the keys to who we truly are as an individual and person. Growing up my whole life I was brought up with a lot of conservative and Asian ways. Being conservative and filial as well as learning how to respect the people in my community was topics that were always talked about. Besides my upbringing, God's Word shaped and molded my rough edges during my single years. Even once you have met your significant other a clear and firm reminder is this; You still need to keep your walk with God going. It's one foot in front of the other and a constant and persistent journey. Being a good steward in all that you had and all that you do in your singleness applies even now more than ever. The difference is that you have another person by your side who is also pulling his wagon.

2018  ...

What would it hold? Potential.

I’m back to writing. 

What I write is not meant to please an audience but an audience of One. For the past few months I’ve been struggling yet I found certain pieces of life coming together ; making sense in areas which I wanted to avoid talking about or face. We all have them. 

Growing up as a kid, sometimes I wondered what made me kept certain decisions and commitments in check. Was it just because I was better in some ways? My environment was more conducive? I had less exposure and negative influence? What made me held on to those tough choices? 

Sitting here after a discussion pondering about life, feeling an inner satisfaction, peace and gratefulness. This particular phase deserves a share, who knows there are others like me out there. I’ve been asking myself in a day and age as this what would make one live life purposefully.

Truthfully, living life with a purpose used to be my personal mantra but it has changed since I started getting involved with youth ministry. It feels like at every chance that I get I find myself just wanting to tell younger people about this message. But living life purposefully needs to be started off on the right foundation. 

Mantras like #YOLO #TakeAChance #Bethechange #Getlostinlife #LifeisanAdventure .. true, yet so many young people have trouble finding their purpose and direction in life.

Finding that direction doesn’t come directly nor is it easy. It’s tough trying to identify a direction in life. It takes a lot of self-discovery and personal reflections. A lot of trials and errors to be made and valuable lessons to be learned. The one thing that I have found to be helpful and helped me hold my ground was this : 

“ Knowing you were made for more and having hope and purpose in life changes the way you live life. ”

In the pursuit of life and the meaning of it, I decided that I wanted my life to be different and I needed to start from somewhere. It started with my foundation; my Creator. Knowing who I was in Him secured me through those tough days when I had to make a call that would decide my direction. Some of those days seemed dark and bleak. Other times it seemed foolish and naive. But during those days it was knowing the assurance that I was made for more that sustained my grip to hold on relentlessly.

Pressing on towards the goal I run my race; Starting out right, Living it out each step a day at a time and striving to end well.  Keep it locked in and focused on the finishing line for it will change the way you live. Through every decision made, the choices and priorities laid and kept it shapes the life lived a day at a time. 

Bejana-Mu, by JPCC Worship

Growing up I had my own thoughts and own desires in one specific area. And yet once I reach this point of my life I realize this life is not my own. I cannot find fulfillment in life from my own direction. As soon as I profess I want to live for You, I find Your tests and my own will being stretched. What was what I wanted and desired now stands on the line of choosing You and Your ways or my own.  Indeed my own ways, timings, actions and plans are so limited. My sense of development and plans for development and growth plans from a human perspective sounds brilliantly intelligent. Yet, when I re-examine the motives and purposes and start counting the costs, I step back cowardly. My whole plan comes crumbling down as I realize nothing that I could have planned or crafted out would be good enough. No matter how I tried using the mind and this physical self You had created me to be. 

Sunday, 30 July, 2017

Revisiting one of my favorite places with spiritual family and team mates; a loving and caring family filled with acceptance, guidance and counsel stirred up feelings I didn't realize were still there. I couldn't hold back those falling tears as the emotions unboxed itself in the form of memories of our favorite food. Came across a song by Tatiana Manaois | She Don’t Know.

“She Don't Know” made me reflect deeply on the past months and how much life has carried on. I'm dedicating this post in thoughtful memory of my beautiful cousin who passed away tragically last year.

"She Don't Know" was more than just a song title

They were more than just beautiful lyrics. These were like echoes of my heart that I would've wanted to write and penned and written as a song. I fear I have not been dealing with these very wisely and God needs to work through me as He leads me to my conviction while I stand at a cross road.

The lyrics went like this :

I'm not waiting for your call But I have been waiting for so long And I guess that I don't know any better Cause I'm waiting on you still And everyone would ask me Why are you here alone And I still don't really know

But I know love, love is forever And I know love, love is your friend And I know love, love is forever Oh but she don't really know, she don't know love

I should have known Cause she looked at me with those eyes I know she never met him Or knows she didn't know he's alive But he loved her And he would say that it will get better Or I'm always by your side And he would always ask her Why do you feel alone And she still don't really know

But he knows love, love is forever He knows love, love is your friend And he knows love, love is forever Oh she don't really know, she don't know love

So he would always tell her Baby you're not alone Oh I'll always be your home

Cause I am love, I am forever I am love, I am your friend And I'll be your love Cause I am forever No I'll never let you go No I'll never let you go Cause you are my love

Losing you was so sudden. The timing just before I went for my 4/14 Nurturer's conference last year. Approaching your anniversary, I am still trying to cope with the reality that life still goes on. I'm going to find myself thinking about you and tearing up every now and then. Memories of places we've been together, our chatters and laughter, your interest in baking, common interests in music and guitar, doing creative things together, bumper car rides, festival gatherings, little treats and gift exchange and girl hang outs. Lost times and missed opportunities that could never happen. You even wanted to start a blog which I never knew about. So much potential there. 

Losing you made me realize how my time investing into young people's lives and keeping an eye out for those in my sphere of influence is precious. It has shaped me to recognize more about how precious one's life is. If only you had known Jesus and realize that He cares for you. How much He loves you. What He did for all of us in this world. Yet despite it all, still giving a choice to choose whether Him or to reject Him.

Youth Ministry Calls 

Wrapping up this week with deep convictions of why youth ministry is close to my heart and how losing someone changed my perspective of eternal hope and eternal destination. This post and the following future postings related to youth ministry will bear a scar of

you

. When a youth puts my patience to test, whenever I feel like running away from the calling to serve, whenever it gets hard and when I begin to doubt, whenever I question is it worth it to walk this tough road. I write this with courage and sincere conviction and a prayerful heart. 

Even a slightest bit of sound, Even the darkest patch of dark, Even an imperfect wooden board, Or a crack in between the ceiling walls, They all stir up a queer.

White walls traded for pastel ugly yellow, Green doors traded for brown cheap timber, Solar geometries now replace the waves of my window grills, The place where I rest my head.

Same interior, same dimension, Same location, but different position. Different condition, different situation, Different ambition, but same population.

The feels, the smell, The creatures could tell, The way the floor felt, My heart felt still. My surrounding seemed bigger,  Without my furniture,  But my heart grew smaller, With each yellow feature.

It doesn't feel mine,  Nor the other mine anymore, A yellow walled stranger stared at me,  An empty core.

These are days where words like “coming together” isnt a stride across the room. Its not a happy thing tone to say in and its the kind that is filled with brokennes inside and wavering faith; Doubts and insecurities, pain and shame, anger and dismay. Disappointments and fear of the unknown and adjustments to be made.

With all due respect, yes i agree much prayer is needed. Much more desparation. But when the walk across the room to meet, seems like a journey of walking through an endless dessert. Not being able to bring together and not being able to hold it together.

Walking on eggshell faith is what I am in right now. Encouragement seems like a plaster to cover up the ugly wound but it doesnt stop the pain or bleeding.

I’ve tried taking my eyes off the situation and looking to God. But the reality is that the struggle that we always say is real, is REAL. The struggle to come together. To lay it all down. To throw it away. To let go off. To put it all off.

Where is thy faith, they say where is thy faith, With weaken knees, and unsteady feets, Clamouring hands, sweaty foreheads, Shriveled is my faith, My eyes barely open, My strength becoming frail. Where is thy faith, where is thy faith, I feel as though the walls are caving in, So much I can’t comprehend, So much to bear, Such weight, I’d like to run away. Where is thy faith, where is thy faith Let me borrow faith from those faith filled lamps, Lamps of lives that ran before me, Lamps that burned bright even in the midst of pain.

Where is thy faith, where is thy faith, My pain will be His gain, My shame will heal in His name, My strain will be for His gain, My life is yet but part of His plan. Where is thy faith, where is thy faith, Be still my soul, wait patiently, The cross to bear, the soul to spare, The body complains, the heart despair but the spirit and mind fixes its eyes on the Cross.