My Dearest Bed Eater Feeders,

I have good news and bad news.

The Bad News: It is with the greatest sadness and woe that I must announce that my reign as blogger will soon come to an end. In the past year, I have posted once a week, sharing with you the greatest secrets to health and wellness that the world has ever known. My work has been groundbreaking, revolutionary, and my recipes have been hailed as the greatest in a generation. I have accrued accolades from The International Coalition For No Meaty Dishes, Spork Monthly, and WWWW (Women Who Want Wellness). But sometimes, God-like fame isn't enough to carry you through. It has always been my highest priority to better myself, to be the best me, to transcend the self. And with fashion and food, I have made many attempts. Unfortunately, I have reached an impasse, and am unsure of who I am. I am Bed Eater, but am I? And who is that? Who and is that? Who who is and that? That who what is? In order to find these answers, I’ve decided that I will embark on a pioneering journey along a little known, and never completed path, known the Pacific Coast Trail, #PCT. Although my experience with the outdoors is limited, I hope to find my true self as I take in the serenity of being utterly alone. Maybe here I will unlock new secrets about fashion and food, about how to be a better Bed Eater.

The Good News: Although I am suspending the blog and bowing out of public life, the creation and completion of my final post will be documented by filmmaker Daniel Day O’Connor, in Bed Eater: The Movie.  For the first time, I will step away from my online persona and show the true Bed Eater. The intense contemplation, the synthesis of ideas, the beauty, the danger, the food. It will all be on display for the world in this breathtaking documentary. 

I am forever grateful to you, my fans, but mostly I am grateful to myself. Because without myself, I wouldn’t have come this far. Without myself, I wouldn’t have created such high-quality content. But now, it’s time to replenish myself. It’s time to say goodbye.

Forever and Always (until next week),

Kisses from Bed Eater! My life has been full of magic this week. I usually like to keep my love life private, but I can’t hide my happy news any longer: I’ve met someone! It’s amazing how serendipitously connecting with a potential lover can completely change your perspective. The sky is bluer. The grass is greener. Even food tastes better!

What I’m Eating: Franny’s Flirtatious Fruit Snacks

If you’re like me and have recently met that special someone (I hope I don’t jinx it! Omg!), then you’re likely in the market for a some sweet treats to give as a token of your love. I’ve always thought chocolates were a bit generic, so I was thrilled when I came across Franny’s Flirtatious Fruit Snacks. Franny makes life-sized gummy fruit snacks in the shape of human hearts, reproductive organs and brains (the true source of love). Not only do these make a super thoughtful gift for that special someone, they also happen to be delicious and, if you can believe it, vegan and gluten free!

What I’m Wearing: Bed Eater’s Stay-In/Stay-Out Sleepy-time Night Gown Stickers

Greetings from Bed Eater! Have you started your Spring cleaning? I won't judge if you say no, but I will say this: Spring cleaning is an important way to ensure a breezy summer. It’s important to clean out your closet, your insides (check out my Broth Boat Cleanse and Yogurt Detox), and your phone contacts (bye bye 2016 ex-boyfriends). But please don’t forget to clean out your fridge! It’s your food’s holy place, and it deserves a spring cleaning as much as your colon does!

What I’m Eating: Springtime Casserole Surprise!

The best thing about this recipe is that it’s always a surprise what goes inside! It’s really important not to waste food, so combining whatever leftovers you have into a picture-perfect casserole is the best way to be kind to your fridge and to Mother Earth! Simply combine your unwanted food into a dish and cook on high until it bubbles over! Be sure to give things a good sniff before including them in the casserole. It’s a common misconception that eating old food is a great way to kickstart your cleanse. Any moldy or stinky foods can be combined into a separate dish and be used as a foot bath! The broken up food enzymes are a great way to kill any foot fungus or to mask stinky feet smells! 

What I’m Wearing: My Spring Thrift Store Find

Goodbye from Bed Eater! Unfortunately, all revolutionary food blogs must come to an end. It’s time for me to move on, and to search for a better version of myself outside of the immediate realm that bed and food provides. The journey of making this final post was fraught with hardship, so much so that it almost didn’t happen at all. But I persevered, because there is nothing more important to me than sharing health and fashion tips. Watch the whole saga of creating the final post in Bed Eater: The Movie (Link in Bio). It’s possibly the greatest documentary ever made. This week, I challenged the bounds of my creativity, the elasticity of my will, the wetness of my ego. I found love. I found fashion. I found food.

What I’m Eating: Bed

Bed is about more than sleep. Bed is my canvas. And now, it is my meal. For so long, I have eaten foods on the bed, but have never truly combined the two. In order to transcend the boundaries between comfort and chewing, it is necessary to mingle your body and soul with the food groups. I lay upon bread. I cover myself with pasta, protein, and dairy. I rest my head on sugar. I rest upon the bed of food. I eat the food. Therefore, I eat the bed, because I am Bed Eater.  

What I’m Wearing: Food

If I eat the bed, then I must wear the food. We all know that food provides the body nutrients when we eat it. But did you know that crafting food into a stylish outfit can help nourish your soul? I knew that, and that’s why I’m wearing The Salad Dress. With The Salad Dress, I become food. I guess that makes me food, laying on food, eating food. Food eats food. Food eats bed. My soul is packed with vitamins, but my heart is heavy with vegetarian wisdom. Because once you have transcended food and bed, it’s time to suspend your blog about food and bed. 

I love you all, but since I love myself more than I love you, I must say bye-bye.

It’s Bed Eater! It was Mother’s Day in Belarus last weekend, and it really got me thinking about motherhood. I definitely want kids, but I often wonder if I would make a good mom. I’m known for my nurturing, loving and wholesome spirit, but am also driven by a philosophy of self-love. Where do kids fit into that picture? Can you love yourself but also love other people? They’re hard questions, and I’m uncertain. So, in classic Bed Eater fashion, I did some soul-searching. 

What I’m Eating: Family-Style Spaghetti and Cotton Balls

Immediately, when thinking of motherhood, my mind went to family-style foods. And since spaghetti and cotton balls is the quintessential family-style meal, I whipped some up. I’m not typically a sharer, but when I saw that big bowl of spaghetti, my maternal instincts immediately kicked in. Spaghetti and cotton balls aren’t just for me to eat, they’re for you, too. And you. And yes, even you. For the first time, I considered this: perhaps one way to better yourself, is by caring for others? It seemed bizarre, and in practice, it felt bizarre. 

What I’m Wearing: The Kids’ Section

Greetings from Bed Eater! I was so ultra-blessed this year to be invited to the 3rd Annual Yum-Yums of the Future Convention. As an internationally-known vegetarian, I got to be a part of The Meat-Free Future Panel. I, of course, shared my legendary food hacks, but got the privilege to speak alongside prominent members of the virtual food community! I learned so much about virtual meat!

What I’m Eating: Cruelty-Free Extra-Juicy Cyber Burger

Don’t freak out, but I totally miss juicy hamburgers. There’s nothing like biting into a slab of bloody meat. Obviously, I don’t partake in hamburgers anymore. So, when I learned that I could have a Cruelty-Free Extra-Juicy Cyber Burger, and experience a bloody hamburger without hurting animals, I jumped on it! Literally! With my mouth!

How it Works:

Slip on the Tasty Time VR Headset, and sit still for ten to twenty minutes as it drills a tiny hole to the part of the brain that processes taste. Then, plug in the cruelty-free simulation puck (It even resembles a hamburger! How cute!). The headset’s screen will ask the user where they would like to virtually eat the cyber burger: a Jack-in-the-Box, a company bbq, a drive-thru parking lot, etc. I chose a virtual bed, of course! Once the settings are optimized, simply bite into that juicy, bloody, meaty son-of-a-bitch. But guess what? Even though it looks, tastes, smells, feels and drips like a real burger, it’s actually just a simulation puck made of edible plastic! No animals harmed!

What I’m Wearing: The Sandwich Suit

Hey! It’s me! Bed Eater! I have never felt so amazing in my entire life. I feel like I’m walking on clouds, like I’m on air, like I’m bathing in the sun. No, I literally feel like I AM THE SUN AND I AM SHINING SO BRIGHT OH GOD, I AM EVERYTHING AND THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE. And it’s all because of juicing.

What I’m Eating: Cold-Pressed Wet Juice

Juicing is a wonderful way to get nutrients, right? But what if I told you that there was a new juicing technique? Impossible! Well, I made the impossible possible with Cold-Pressed Wet Juice. I’ve been working on this in my laboratory for years now, and I have finally found the perfect formula for the sexiest, healthiest, happiest me! 

My Method:

Most people put fruits and veggies into their juicer, but that old method extracts just regular vitamins. If you’re like me and need a little more than the norm, then simply put juice into your juicer. That’s right: juice your juice! This process utilizes already extracted vitamins and strains them a second time, leaving you with “super vitamins.” The remaining liquid is what we, in the science community, call “wet juice.” Wet juice is wetter, healthier and prettier than regular juice! For an extra boost, add in a few tablets of gummy vitamins and ibuprofen to your wet juice! You will never feel more awake, more pain free, more God-like, or more ready for that 8pm yoga class! 

What I’m Wearing: Lady Lab Sleep Science 

I’m a huge advocate for STEM programs for girls, but I’ve recently noticed a huge setback for women working in the industry: lab coats are so uncomfortable! Luckily, with a little research, I found a company that makes lab coats fit for a queen: Lady Lab Sleep Science. Their lab coats are made to be worn on the job or in bed. Simply choose a lab coat that fits your work needs, and a coat lining that fits your comfort needs. Choose a silk lining, a fleece lining, a heating pad lining, or a sexy lace lining! They even make lab coat robes to wear over your lab coat! 

Toodle-oo! It’s Bed Eater! I just returned from the most amazing holiday across the pond, and honestly, I didn’t want to come back! The English lifestyle suits me quiet well, what with their adorable rain boots and calling zucchini “courgettes” and eggplant “aubergines.” No offense to any of my American friends, but we look like peasants in comparison! 

What I’m Eating: High Tea

Perhaps my favourite English custom is the practice of High Tea. When I returned home, I absolutely had to recreate it, and I’ve even written up a few tips so that you can enjoy it too! 

1. Use a multi-tiered serving tray for your drinks and goodies. Turn any old tea party into High Tea by simply elevating your scones, croissants and crumpets. Display these tea time accompaniments on a tray with at least two shelves. Without elevating your pastries, you would simply have “low” tea, not “high” tea! Oh my!

2. Invite only your classiest friends. I’ve divined the perfect test to determine who to invite to your fancy High Tea. Simply ask them whether they prefer the actress Maggie Smith or Meryl Streep. If they say Meryl Streep, they’re not fancy and never speak to them again! She’s not British! 

3. Serve High Tea at 4PM (British Time) If it’s not 4pm in England, then it is NOT APPROPRIATE TO HAVE HIGH TEA. YOU SAVAGE.

Bonus tip: Although it is traditional to serve a black tea, green tea has the added benefit of being full of antioxidants. So, if you’re like me, and care about your health, switch out the Earl Grey for a light and tasty green tea!

What I’m Wearing: Fiona’s Fanciest Feast Frocks