#becauseofhannah

I simply didn’t realize how much hurt I kept to myself! Until I didn’t. The words seem to fall out of my mouth….when they do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still guarded. Mother’s Day was one of those times when I couldn’t even keep my pain from myself let alone the object of my anger. Nope, not sharing who I was mad at because ultimately it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was honest. Brutally…

You’ve Lost Your Child To Suicide

You’ve Lost Your Child To Suicide

Shock. Pain. Denial. Shock.

Thank goodness for shock.

That moment when I knew my baby girl was gone. I have no words to describe ‘it’. ‘It?’ What is ‘it’? I’ll try to explain.

It’s the most gut-wrenching, horrifying, night terror you can possibly imagine, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t wake up. Even that falls short of this life-shattering moment.

I’m…

I had a dream last night. I was with a group of people some of which were young teenage girls. We were at a summer type retreat in Springville, Utah, by the Virgin River. There was one girl in particular that suffered with PTSD due to a near-drowning experience. We talked a lot. We were close.

A terrible storm brought near flash flood levels of water in the river. I stood by the banks with…

If He Dies…

Got a desperate message last night from a person that helped me after Hannah’s suicide. Her adult child has been threatening suicide for a long time and last night it felt closer than ever.

What hit so hard last night was her admonition that if he goes, so does she. And she meant it.

She is suicidal!

This is a highly accomplished, intelligent, successful, helpful human being. Her words propelled…

Do I blame someone, anyone for Hannah’s suicide? If we blame one person for anyone’s suicide, then it opens the door to blame… across the board.

NO! NO! NO! NO!

Blame is a roadblock to healing for everyone! I agree that we may experience that in our grieving process. It comes as a gift to lead us to total self responsibility not to stay in blame. It’s a gift to teach us the power of agency, to…

I watch. A lot. I have this gift/burden to see your truth, your bottom line. I don’t know why because often I feel I’m out of my lane, unwelcome. Learning to stay in my lane has been very helpful yet I feel like I’m ignoring a part of me that is a gift. I’ve struggled with this all my life. As a 5 year old child, my mom would have me describe others to her friends. I was a parlor trick,…

I took my husbands phone in order to expedite our camping trip departure. He agreed to the arragement. He is almost always on the phone. As a matter of fact, it’s the first morning of our camping trip and he’s off in the trees talking on his phone. But I digress. That’s a story for another day.

The phone rings. It’s my son. I answer it. We chat for a bit. Then he walks me into a difficult…

Truth Sets Me Free