I’ve been doing quite a bit of self reflection about owning my needs. Validating myself, taking responsibility for my own pleasure. Why I struggle so much with feeling guilty asking for what I want or need. Some of it is because I’m not sure he is capable of understanding my needs, but not trying isn’t an answer either.
A situation happened a few months or so ago that left me feeling frustrated and even though we have tackled these discussions many times before, I felt perhaps it was time to try again from a different angle to see if he could actually hear me.
What we discussed wasn’t new. It’s part of the frustration-speaking and knowing you aren’t truly heard, but I believe most relationships end because people stop trying, and so it is important to me that I strive to keep trying to connect.
We discussed his tendency to apologize after sex for not making me orgasm. His apology frustrates me, but in his own way it is an effort to connect, which is why I decided to have the conversation. It’s weird, because it was a good one, but it also made me realize there is a lot of disconnect that may never be reconciled. I am proud of myself though, because I said things that were rather blunt and unapologetic. This is important - because I struggle to say things I know will hurt or upset someone, even if it’s the truth. Even if I suffer for not saying it. I wasn’t purposely hurtful, that isn’t what I mean, but I stood up for myself and my needs in a way that is difficult for me, and that’s a big deal. It felt right to say the things I did because it was my truth. What follows summarizes the discussion.
I was rather blunt that his apology frustrates me for several reasons. I love our intimacy and sex isn’t only about orgasm for me. I want him to understand and believe that I enjoy and get pleasure and gratification by bringing him to orgasm. I don’t want him to feel pressured to make me cum. I crave the intimacy and connection.
That said; another discussion we have had many times, is that just because he achieves climax doesn’t mean we need to be done, he has fingers, a mouth, a voice, I have a dresser full of sex toys. Him stopping after his orgasm is a choice! As is not engaging in foreplay.
He often leaves me wanting. I have a choice at that point: do I let it fade or pursue my own pleasure? There are several things that go through my head, one of which is previous times I’ve expressed my need and he has exhaustedly said he will need medication if I need more and has implied that my needs are excessive and abnormal. Result - guilt and shame.
I am also mindful at those times of his ego and I don’t want to hurt him by reaching for a toy when he is done and I am not. Result - I choose him over me.
There have been other times I’ve felt brave and have asked him to help me continue, but I can see his heart isn’t in it, you know? I don’t want to have an unhealthy need for external validation but can admit that I crave it. Mutuality, you know? I want to see hunger in his eyes; for my need to feed him. When he sighs and asks me what I need him to do, it kind of ruins the mood. Result - I’m not going to cum at this point anyway, so I choose to be unsatisfied but not cause further discomfort.
Yes, I could lead him, and tell him what to do, but the reality is that I can’t make him want to play with me and learn what makes me climax! And that is where a real issue lay.
I told him that his apology feels manipulative because what am I supposed to say to that? Oh that’s okay honey I didn’t want to cum tonight anyway?! I said, It’s your decision to stop after your orgasm, but by looking all sad and apologizing, what I hear is - Not only do I not want to make an effort to learn how to help you orgasm, but I also want you to comfort me and say it’s okay. And that isn’t right.”
Now is a difficult time for him because his masculinity is diminished in his mind because of a recent surgery. This is another apology he has made often over the last couple years or so as he has been struggling and not feeling up to sexual activity. But he is completely missing an important point. I am capable of cumming from grinding in a chair while reading erotica. From barely touching myself. From my imagination. None of which involves his physical efforts!! I get frustrated because he doesn’t seem to understand my orgasm truly has nothing to do with his penis or physical prowess. I understand that it is difficult for a man to hear that because masculinity is tied pretty tight to what is between their legs and how they use it. But the truth is, very few women climax from vaginal penetration. Our orgasms start in the mind, at least mine do. And again, it comes back to it being his choice not to engage in other sexual activities besides intercourse.
Something I read on blog one time fits perfectly with my point “reframe your sex life as not so penetration/ejaculation centric. Focus more on the journey, not the destination.”
I accept and love him and don’t expect him to change. However I also want him to respect who I am, what I need, and not expect me to change either. ~dd
