#because dad

And it's just all so horrible I just wish she would file a divorce: they both do love each other but he is just a bad husband who grew up with no love and therefore canot feel it towards others. While my mom never really had anyone else as she got married when she was 18. It's been 20 years since they got together and they still are as dysfunctinal as ever.

It's like  My dad believes that he is being a good father by working a lot and paying for my and my sister's school fees which is a lot. 

If I had to make a cliched bad comparison, we're like the rich family where the kids don't see the dad and grow up with their grandparents. Because their mom chose her husband instead of her children and now regrets it more than anything. And you are the kid wh can't tell them to go and sort themselves out. Your dad is unapproachable, some figure that pays for your house, your school, your mom's parents' house, your mom's sister's family's house and school fees for her three kids. And because of that your mom feels like she's trapped and hopes you get a good education and just never end up being dependent on anyone like that.

My sister yesterday told my dad about the graduation ceremony this year in my school, after he pointed out that as a father all he has to do is supply us with materialistic needs. She said that everyone came to the ceremony. Grandparents, cousins, people who have graduated 2, 5, 20 years ago. And the fathers. Who probably earn more than he does, who work more than him. My dad changed the topic and went to choose a movie.

Tonight my mom was crying again on my bed holding me tight convincing herself how our dad loves her. He came in right when she was drying her tears and tried on my cosplay wigs. 

It's like my mom is a big ball of emotions who feels that she is responsible fr everyone whilst being dependant on someone else. And my dad is like friggin Okonkwo from that novel Things Fall Apart. too manly to show any emotions or feelings.

I do not know how am I supposed to help her, while also helping my grandma and help my sister who attempted suicide at least three times.

It's just too overwhelming. 

All I know is that I will never try alcohol in my life. And I do not want my father at my graduation next year. I do not believe he deserved it which is incredibly selfish of me. But he appeared at my school only once. When I was in third grade. And never for m sister. At least my mom was able to make it most of the time. And she is always busy living my dad's life: going to bed at 5am, cooking for drunk friends and collegues of his, waking up at 11 while he sleeps 'till past lunch time. 

And it wouldn't have been such a problem if they wouldn't drink so much.

My mom never drank before. 

My dad didn't either, but mom tagged along after him. My sister, who is turning 14 in two days has taken a liking to it too. At least she quit smoking. Unlike my mom.