You just lost The Game :)

Signed, Beatrice (Mod may tag as uminekokin)

Sometimes it’s so hard living with the kin memories. In a way because of my character’s identity issues. It’s like I can’t just kin Beatrice, or it means I also kin my mom and it’s very weird being both ! I mean like…. what could have happened to me if my mom didn’t die? I saw him on his knees apologizing to me for what he did to her. For what I am the product of. In certain ways I feel certain to be another reincarnation. In others my body feels wrong because it’s not the same build as my mother or grandmother. In some ways it’s hard not to feel magical when I know what he did to my mother and I know how she felt. the pains of kinning the system and her mom. And the pins who stuck her to the wall while alive raised me. Encouraged my fragements. and I love them all, probably too much. I can’t be me without them, even Ka and Ga. But it perpetuate the cycle! It makes me feel disgusting. Ka and Sh both would be so lost as to what to do. This is why I like when Claire is fronting more at times, makes all of this easier to swallow. Plus I get to daydream about my strong love for Lion and Will and our little polycule. And honestly the self shipping of Ka and Sh kinda helped me and my mental health before I found out what haunts my bloodline! Like it made it a lot easier to connect with my body and myself despite how fractured “myself” is. But Lion and Will have become a special comfort when Claire fronts… It’s like a home where I can just be myself. Even when Beato fronts and she’s comfortable in the golden land……. it’s hard when she took my burdens of love and pain and performance. it makes truly being herself hard at certain times. which either throws all of us off or just makes her feel shitty. I hate feeling shitty like that. I hate that I can’t even self ship within my head without it coming off as strange….It was easier when I played it off like Ka and Sh were roles but they are me and I used to think about them being together and now it feels so icky. There was implications before because of how they talked about each other, but it was fantastical and they weren’t actually siblings or taking advantage of power but instead lifting each other up…. It even makes a safe space like my home with Will and Lion feel strange…….. This is why Claire is easier. She accepts things a bit easier. In my current life I have just turned older than the body I kinned. If she were me she would be dead by this october. I feel like despite the fact I had all that experience, i still have never been taught right…. even Lion is weird to interact with because of some of these thoughts. It makes it so hard to love Virgillia. She raised my mother, taught her everything, and then did similar when she watched me grow up. Sometimes I worry about how young my grandma was when she first arrived…. I don’t have memories left from that far back in the reincarnation. Or maybe I’m the only one in our bloodline to be reincarnated. And grandfather was just that terrible. It just hurts. My active life doesn’t make these feelings better, I still haven’t been taught how to get outside of all of this. And while I can’t do what I did before I died ever again. I know that it still live within me.