𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. _____ I had a therapist in 2020 who was quite good at diagnosis (though he was not so interested in helpful practical advice). Over the course of our meetings, he must have diagnosed me with four or five disorders (heya, I’m human!), labeling issues I’d been facing and dealing with on my own for years. Only one diagnosis really stood out to me before I left his practice: an “avoidant attachment disorder” I hadn’t recognized. I think it was birthed after my first real best friend had to leave my life because of schizophrenia. Or maybe before that when my first love deliberately broke my heart. Or even before that, in one of the 20-some moves and countless community shifts my family made when I was growing up (I am over 30 moves now). Whatever the cause, I don’t put down roots easily. I am always on edge, preparing for the next move, the next rejection, the inevitable change. So as an introverted avoidant who knows I am not supposed to simply accept being alone in the world, I sometimes set weird boundaries in order to figure things out. I step back from everything coming at me in order to address one thing at a time. I detach myself from emotional attachment when the fear of loss becomes too much. And the deeper the attachment goes, the more likely I am to need a break in order to stay. Over the last year, I’ve experienced intense growth on molecular levels that is just beginning to surface, and I don’t know how to apply it all yet. I am fully here sometimes, and sometimes I am not here at all. I think healing is happening, a new understanding of my own autonomy and commitment to meeting my core needs. The cycle is breaking, though, I can feel it. I am trusting this process as I have not dared trust much in my life. Have you ever felt freedom coming so strong you already feel free before it arrives? _____ #bykellēsauer #beallhere #howtobealover #quotesofIG #entrepreneurlife #entrepreneur #dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #wildsssouls #selfcare #spilledink #morningslikethese #simplify #selfportrait #growth #storyofbeing #livemoremagic __ (at San Francisco Bay Area) https://www.instagram.com/p/CVoYcwhBOLN/?utm_medium=tumblr
