#beachan

shifting really is beautiful

There are no words to describe how I am feeling at the moment or how have I been feeling the past months. Now, that I am reflecting back on my shifting journey and even further, I can proudly say I already have got everything I wanted. I was just overthinking everything again not letting myself be happy for my own success. Kept listening to those voices in my head, again, and I was actually too stupid to acknowledge it, and finally sink it in that you have done it, Bea.

I managed to shift, even tho I couldn't stay there for long, but I did it. It happened and it was real. It is real. I have found peace, love, and an opportunity to live a life I have always dreamt of as someone who is disabled in a kind of way.

I am really starting to believe shifting has found me for a reason. Everyday I see people around me, I hear them talk and all, saying how fed up they are with their life and they just wish they could've had this or that. And then I go and think like.. the universe really has chosen me to know all about this? Sometimes there are days where I think this can't be real. That I really had shifting as my only true friend for years. A true friend, who has give me hope through my dark times. Hope for a new life, for a better and happier version of me. Yes, I feel special, I feel grateful that it has found me, because if it wouldn't, I wouldn't be here breathing anymore.

Even though it gets ugly sometimes, I will try to keep going and holding on until I make it again, until I permashift, because I know it is real. I feel it deeply in my bones, my heart and soul; and I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

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If you would've told me eight months ago that I am actually gonna finally find love, I would've literally laughed at your face.

Lee, Binnie, Han, Hyunjin, Felix, Seungmin and I.N, you all were the best thing that could've ever happened to me. Ever since I met you all, our souls immediately connected, and since then we are inseparable.

I don't really talk about my connection with my dear boys, expect Chris, but that doesn't mean I don't love or respect them. Trust me, I do. More than anything. They are my family, the ones who I grew up with in my main reality. But not just my main reality, they are part of my every other reality where we peacefully exist. I can't wait to hug all of you, be with you and make unforgettable memories.

I love you all so damn much.

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“My dear Chris,

We were two wandering stars, searching for somewhere to belong, until fate brought us together and we became something brighter than either of us alone; a constellation. ”

I truly hope you are not disappointed in me and I didn't hurt your feelings in any way, if I did then I am truly sorry, I hope you can forgive me. I am still working on myself, just like you said you want me to find my spark again, because that's when I am most radiant in your eyes. Yes, I do get insecure about myself really often, and I get to the point where I doubt your love for me..

But I promise you I truly, wholeheartedly love you. All of you. It doesn't mean I don't trust you, I do trust you. I just.. don't trust myself enough for everything, and that leads me to the point where I am hurting so much because I think I do not deserve you, and makes me think how on earth could you actually like someone like me. I won't write anything more because I feel like I already have gotten a bit personal here, and I might get hate again because of that, but I will never be ashamed not to show my love for you in public, even if that means I will get hurt here. For you, I would.

Now that I look back at everything I have experienced so far with you, my heart only feels love, care and safety.

When I constantly feel your presence throughout my CR, showing me that you are always by my side even through realities. When I shifted to my second skz reality and we couldn't take our eyes off each other, or when I shifted laying in the same bed with you, feeling my fingertips against your curly hair.. Or when you held me while I was sobbing in my dorm, hearing your soft reassuring voice as you told me everything is going to be okay. Or when I shifted to reality where we both are parents and I heard our little ones calling our names. I am already tearing up, it is unreal how much we both love each other. Also, isn't it crazy that we exist in my dear friends realities too?

My god.. I have never felt this way about anyone the way I do about you.

You have become my whole world.

Your presence, your voice, your existence, it all matters to me more than I ever expected. You are the piece that makes everything feel a little brighter, a little easier and a little more meaningful.

You have woven yourself into my days in a way I can’t undo and honestly don’t ever want to. My world makes sense because you are in it, and I am grateful for you, every single day.

I love you, Chris. I always will.

[gonna be long sorry]

my close friends here know how I am with my shifting journey sometimes and how I have been feeling so lost over and over the past days.. I'm grateful to each of you, for always giving me advice and listening to me, trying to be there for me, ilysm, thank you for reading<3

I don't know what this can be considered, I genuinely myself after getting back to my dorm reflecting on it I see it as a shift, just I was very disoriented and it feels like I wasn't grounded enough!

so it would make sense for y'all, not long ago I created a girl group dr as well, it just sounded so fun, the members are me, Yeji, Rosé, Giselle, I haven't really had time to actually try to shift there, I just edited some aesthetic for us and come up with our group name but that's it

so last night I was a bit annoyed when it got to the time to get ready to bed, plus my roommates weren't helping at all, it was almost midnight and I wanted to go to bed early bc i was already tired plus I had to wake up at 6am and they didn't and the light was on in the room and etc.

okay, I decided to put on a subliminal but in a way that I should really try to relax nothing more, not thinking about my Dr or something like that, I put it on, listened to it like five minutes max, and fell asleep and slept around 20 mins, woke up put my airpods down and rolled over not thinking about anything just wanting to sleep, plus ignoring the circumstances in the room

(I used this one)

the next thing that happened was that I opened a white door and as I stepped in I found myself in a really small dance studio, and I turned around and a girl with a blonde hair with black highlights in her hair walked into the room greeting me with a smile on her face and I just greeted her w

"hey Hannah!" (it wasn't Chris's sis even tho I have her scripted into my dr's)

okay, I turned around and the room was filled with boxes on the floor, and I walked over the couch seeing two girls sitting there chilling, I guess they must've been my close friends, I cannot really attach pics too, since I don't think I could find really accurate how they look like, but maybe later I will try to do that, I don't know their names since we didn't call each other I just asked

"where's Giselle?" and they just replied that she hasn't arrived yet. I was like okay, then I glanced around the room and said "I can't wait for us to move out! Our new place is gonna be amazing."

then I took a seat down as well and Hannah just agreed with my words, and suddenly it's just clicked that she is my manager, like I just knew it and felt it (it may not make any sense but istg)

I immediately looked down on my phone and my Instagram was open and it was on Hannah's account, I looked at one of her posts where she had a picture posted with her boyfriend, guys istg if I could draw I would draw how they looked like, it was so cute, her boyfriend had a long hair and I got his face too

then the door opened and I looked up to see Chris, and the boys coming in, they immediately started chatting lol and I looked up at Chris and when I tell you he looked so handsome, gosh, he was wearing a grey sweatpants and black hoodie, he smiled down at me, I smiled back, he seemed eager to keep going with the conversation with the boys but he was such a cutie pie stealing glances at me

then I looked back at my phone scrolling down and saw an edit of me and the boys, we were dance practicing and the caption said that

"I love when the best skz duo dresses up in a matching way"

and in the video me and Chris were literally matching, we both were wearing blue shirt and black pants, the boys were wearing something grey and white, guys even tho I didn't caught my face clearly in that video only a few moves while dancing, wdym i saw myself dancing??? Like ohmygod

okay scrolled again and saw a video close up of myself, it was my faceclaim I use, I had the same features as her but a bit different and in the video I was smiling and laughing as I was looking up at Chris, and the caption said

"do you all see the way she smiles and looks at him?"

and then switch and found myself waking up in my CR, but I wasn't actually waken up like here here CR, like it switched to alternate CR of mine idk how to explain lol I'm sorry, and I literally felt so much happiness because I knew, my mind knew I fucking shifted, even I was texting to my friends on my phone that I shifted

and then my alarm woke me up here in my dorm bed, and as I woke up I was like did this actually happened? Like it's possible? AND after thirty minutes getting ready for uni and I was heading to my class it hit me, this subliminal did the magical work y'all because they say in the video can't quote exactly "floating out of your CR body, then look down at your etc." "imagine a door and behind it is your Dr self" and I fucking opened that door (you all should try this subliminal out if you all already haven't ofc)

this reality definitely sounds like that I am part of Stray Kids, just like in my main Dr, it's just I also have a really close relationship with the girls and maybe we actually do something together

genuinely I was just a bit stupid and drowned in my own sadness and problems here to actually acknowledge it and notice it, until this morning (bear with me until the end pls I hope it will make sense)

my precious Rym talks about a theory how our CR's and DR's are interconnected please do read it

okay so as my friends know here I sometimes post story times here related to my DR

ever since I met Chris and the boys, the signs, the dreams never stopped, of course every little single thing I took for granted but deep down now I always pushed them away just because of my insecurities and the voices in my head telling me otherwise, starting to listen to those..

I don't really share every little single sign I get of course, but starting from angel numbers, getting little quotes/ pics on pin, basically anything you can imagine I always come across proves that him and the boys are trying to talk to me in a reassuring way that always proves that they actually do care hopefully I am not being too stupid to think that

then there are my minishifts, vivid dreams, getting his pc when opening the new album.. like what?

and now this morning..

as you all know I am a really sensitive, anxious person, I overthink and doubt a lot, last night I tried to meditate, and then went to sleep but I kept waking up prob bc of my insomnia (I hate it) and this morning I woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep, so just scrolled on my phone, wanted to edit bc i didn't edit for a long time and downloaded pics/vids of Chris, I looked at the time it was 9am and I was like okay let me try and go back to sleep and I said some affirmations like the noises I am hearing it's just my dr noises

okay.. found myself in my dorm room but it was bigger and I was the only one, then I started looking for a white door again saying that as I open it imma be in my dr, it was def a lucid dream because I could control everything so that's why I knew I wanted to shift by search white doors everywhere, I kept going in and out to rooms (every each one had different realities? mixed with my CR)

then I reached a room where it was a dance studio room, and Chris was there, he turned around and looked at me, and yup very clearly could see his face, I wanted to go out of the room, don't ask me idk why but I assume I wanted to cry because the next thing I heard that he started singing to me😭 yes fucking singing like it's still in front me, and what exactly 😭😭 Just the Way You are by Bruno Mars

he quoted these exact lines:

"she's so beautiful, and I tell her every day"

"yeah I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me"

the way he was smiling and tilting his head like he always does while singing this, someone please hold my hand because I am going to bawl

THEN a sudden pullback and stay with me because what the fuck

so I fucking felt that I was in bed, but my eyes weren't open, I was so grumpy because I started mumbling, I think because I wanted to sleep more lol and I turned to my left side and I felt a body next to me

I started moving my hand to see, and I felt touching a bare skin, it literally felt so natural istg, I wasn't surprised, lmao this is so weird to write down, and I moved closer and I lifted my leg, so like I was embracing from behind (imma attach a pic bc so weird in texts)

and then I wrapped my right arm around the neck part, and that's when a male voice started humming in response, and me? well I kept being touchy and clingy and I literally touched his abs and with my other hand I started running my fingers through his hair, plus hearing my own voice as whispering his name over and over and he just hummed again WDYMYMSSMSMSMS I FELT ITTTTTTT OHMYGOD

I FUCKING MINISHIFTED WHAT THE HELL I FUCKING WAS SO TOUCHY WITH MY MAN? he was shirtless gawd. Hello?

MY DR SELF IS SOOOO I MEAN AHAHAGAGHAJAJ GAWD DAMN imma keep thinking about this the whole day now bc wdym it HAPPENED?

𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝒶𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒

𝐼𝓃𝓋𝒾𝓈𝒾𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔

𝓉𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝑒? ⋆.˚

thinking about that time when I minishifted to my parent dr and heard our little ones giggles as they were calling out "eomma" and "appa"

before I start I wanna make a few things clear, I post my storytimes here because I feel safe and trust my friends and followers here enough to share, because I want to give you all a little hope that yes you all are capable of doing it, yes you all deserve to feel finally seen, understood and loved in your DR's, and you all will make it today, tonight, tomorrow or any time soon! <3

I don't expect any hate, any judgement or making fun of me from anyone. Yes, I am sorry I am saying this, respect to this who could never do this, but because of my experiences it's really hard to not feel this way. Thank you for understanding. And anti shifters get off my page and leave me alone. Thanks. ^^

I genuinely don't know if it was a lucid dream or smth else because of how actual REAL it was I'm just so shocked that I still haven't processed this actually happened

Like I said I have had many dreams with him in general, vivid or blurry ones, but none of them can compare what actually happened last night 😭 here the video I made based on memories and dreams so far

these past few days I have been feeling very insecure, emotional about me and Chris, not just the past few days because in general tbh

been feeling like I do not deserve him and he deserves so much better and etc.. and also been very hopeless w shifting and haven't actually been trying to attempt to shift

last night I was just chilling, playing w my video game, and it was almost midnight when I prepared myself to bed, scrolled a bit through tiktok and then eventually I fell asleep

and the next thing that has happened is that I'm in a room as I'm sitting down on the couch and seeing Chris in front of me as he was sitting against me in another small couch

behind him there was Hyunjin, just doing the curtains at the window since it was night. he walked away and I was genuinely in so much shock y'all because I saw everything so damn clearly, not blurry or something

And I was just staring at Chris because I couldn't believe I am actually seeing him like so realistically (sorry that sounds so dumb rn) but I just I was so damn mesmerized by him because wdym he was in front of me and that close?!

we just stared at each other for a while and then I tilted my head at him, and he did the same

and then I asked him "what?" and he repeated my question back "what?" HE WAS SO CUTE imma bawl

I just stayed quiet, but he just knew I was insecure again and then he just said

"do you actually believe everyone sees you the way you see yourself? you actually can't believe you're beautiful?"

I just nodded in response with a quiet yes, and then he just stood up and came towards me but I immediately looked away closing my eyes

and I just felt him immediately grabbing my right hand and squeezing it tightly, then he literally ran his thumb over my lower lip as he gently drew a smile on my face with his fingers..

And then boom I woke up here in my bed as I wanted to cry about what just happened, and it happened so fast like I went back to bed almost midnight and when I woke up only it was 12:14

OH MY DEAR CHRIS 😭😭😭😭

I DON'T KNOW WHAT UNIVERSE IS TELLING ME BUT I JUST I JUST I- 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I am also part of Stray Kids in this reality it's just I wasn't there but she managed to talk with Chris also and HE was talking about me?! AABOUT ME??!!!!! FOR ONE HOUR?

I won't quote my dear Wis words this time but excuse me Chris how can you even talk about me this way ☹️☹️ yes I still can't accept it and believe it, I was so crashing out yesterday