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I told bae he was a hottie and he said sternly, "YOU'RE the hot one in the relationship. Everyone knows it except you apparently." I said I guess. And he replied, "You're a baddie. You are. You're a headturner, show-stop-per. Ain't no 'guessin'" needless to say, my confidence is on a trillie right now lol
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And just when you start to think that maybe things are going to get better and that you’re special, it turns out that it was all a cruel joke and you’re nothing more than that.
I’ve been happy lately. I started a new better job and I’ve been meditating more and more. I think that I want to start some type of thing where it’s like a group online meditation session every Saturday and Sunday or something similar. I have to work it all out, but I want to help more now that my life is back on track.
Positivity Journal
So recently in therapy my therapist had me start writing down three good things that have happened to me that particular day and also writing down why these things were good. It’s been really helpful for me and I think it would be helpful to you guys as well. I would really like to start posting my journal entries here as well so that I can share with you guys as well.
Have you ever you ever looked at someone you love? Like truly stopped and looked at them? Have you seen the way their eyes change, brighten as they laugh at something, then soften as they stop to look at you? How their lips part just ever so slightly in anticipation of kissing you? How the light somehow dances across their skin making it even more radiant than before? How you try to remember the very first moment you laid eyes on them? How you remember the first moment you knew that you loved them? How the feeling of their skin on yours feels smoother than silk? How they have that specific smell that makes you feel more comfortable than anything else? How their hands feel on your body? How the moment they look at you back in the same way it makes you feel as though everything is perfect? How the look they give can make you feel more perfect than you have ever felt before? How they can make you forget how self-conscious you are about the way that you look because they look at you like you’re the most amazing thing they have ever seen?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Something happened to me on Sunday and it has been eating away at me for the past few days. I’ve been trying to move past it, but I think talking about it would help a lot more.
Most of you know by now that I have shaved my head a couple of times due to losing hair from stress and anxiety. I get bald spots from time to time so I prefer to wear a wig that covers these spots. When I was first deciding whether or not I wanted to fully invest in wearing a wig for everyday purposes, I was incredibly nervous because I was worried that it would be obvious that I was wearing one. There’s a stigma with wearing wigs that I don’t quite understand or get, but I just didn’t want to be seen in negative way. So when Sunday’s incident happened, I have been reconsidering wearing wigs.
Recently, I purchased a rose gold wig. I was inspired by seeing a YouTuber wear her pink wigs and I used to have pink hair years ago when I was in cosmetology school. I missed it and thought “why not”? So I’ve been wearing this wig. It does look very natural and the lace front makes it appear as though it is growing out of my own scalp. It’s not itchy and feel very comfortable. On Sunday, after getting a facial to get back into my intense skincare routine, I went to Subway to get dinner. When I was leaving, a guy that was standing there told me loudly “I really like your wig.” It shocked and hurt me a bit. Up until then I had been getting compliments such as “I like your hair” or “I like your hair color” rather than “I like your wig”. I was embarrassed and mortified. I know that he was intending to be rude, but it was and it embarrassed me greatly considering I go there frequently and there were other people around. I rushed back to the spa and ate my food in peace, but it has still been bothering me.
As a hairstylist, I have a keen eye for what is a wig and what isn’t, but I have never once asked/said any of the following to people:
Is that your real hair? Is that a wig? Are you wearing a wig? I like your wig! Your wig looks really good!
Please keep in mind that someone wearing a wig in an everyday setting might be wearing it for medical or self-esteem purposes and that saying or asking these things might make the people feel very self-conscious. A little consideration goes a very long way.
I have been having a rough couple of months. One of my dogs of 16 years passed away yesterday and it really hit me hard. I miss him so much and I wish that I could have been there for him but I had to let my aunt have him because I just didn’t have the space to keep him around. Part of me feels like I abandoned him but I know that it was the best thing for both him and me. In addition to that, my work has been basically stealing money from me which hinders me from saving as much as I want for a place to move to. I’ve been struggling with myself and all I can say is that you just have to keep going. You have to keep fighting even though it hurts, you’re tired, you’re angry, you’re hurt, and you want to give up. It’s worth it to fight. I have my animals, my boyfriend, and my mom to live for. These past few months I’ve realized that they all love me and they’d be really upset if I gave up now.
What’s the point in trying? What’s the point of living life in fear? What’s the point of suffering? I don’t have the answers, I don’t have the time, I don’t have the mental stability.
The thought of giving up seems nice. The thought of escaping all this hurt, Escaping all this dreadfulness, All this excruciating pain... The thought of saving him from being known, In a way that’s less than ideal...
I already hated myself, I really actually do. I tell myself what I am, Horrible, disgusting, and ugly, But even if I punish myself, It’s not enough for others.
Phone calls, Messages, Voicemails, Conversations, Nothing will ever be the same again.
If I were to go, It still wouldn’t change, The talk would still be the same, But what keeps me thinking about leaving, Is how much quieter it would be, In mind, my heart, and my soul.
