#bdd relationship

Have you ever you ever looked at someone you love? Like truly stopped and looked at them? Have you seen the way their eyes change, brighten as they laugh at something, then soften as they stop to look at you? How their lips part just ever so slightly in anticipation of kissing you? How the light somehow dances across their skin making it even more radiant than before? How you try to remember the very first moment you laid eyes on them? How you remember the first moment you knew that you loved them? How the feeling of their skin on yours feels smoother than silk? How they have that specific smell that makes you feel more comfortable than anything else? How their hands feel on your body? How the moment they look at you back in the same way it makes you feel as though everything is perfect? How the look they give can make you feel more perfect than you have ever felt before? How they can make you forget how self-conscious you are about the way that you look because they look at you like you’re the most amazing thing they have ever seen?

I had a horrible breakdown while with my last client today. I was trying so hard not to let her hear my cry. I wanted to hit myself and honestly found myself thinking over and over that I needed to just fucking die. I hate everything about me, about my apartment, and my stupid fucking job. I hate that I can't live a moment without ridiculously high amounts of anxiety and stress. I hate that I'm poor, can't afford food, can barely afford my apartment, my car, can't afford my medication, can't afford to do my laundry properly. Most of all, I hate that I ruin Kyle's life with all of this. Right now I wish that I would just drop dead so that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, so that he could be free of having to deal with me, with my bs, with my self/hate, with everything that I cause. I wish that I was just gone.

I had a phone call appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and it was definitely something really hard for me. She suggested adding yet even more of a dosage. I have slipped and my skin picking has resurfaced. I get scared constantly that I'm not perfect or that I'm not good enough for Kyle. I'm not pretty enough for him. It hurts. I wish that I was better and that things were different. My psychiatrist thinks that my hedgehog or my dog is going to have to be my service animal for emotional reasons. It's really comforting to have them with me because I feel so much calmer having them with me.