paris. november 13th, 2015.
suddenly, the idea of listening to eagles of death metal feels bittersweet. concert halls feel bittersweet. music feels bittersweet.
brussels, march 22, 2016.
mom warns me to stay away from big train stations and shopping malls. i dismiss her with an inattentive nod. i rarely go to any of those places, anyway. not to mention the airport. but i still avoid them.
nice, july 14th, 2016.
bastille day turns bittersweet too. some lyrics come to my mind. “but if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?”
london, march 22, 2017.
a few days ago i was wishing a friend a happy birthday. he’s now telling me he was in the victoria train station a few minutes before the attack. everyone was running and by the moment he knew about it, he already was two tube stops away.
still, what if march the 4th, 2017 had been his last birthday?
manchester, may 22, 2017.
and music is once again snatched from the hands of thousands. gutter and sensationalist press flood the internet, but something’s going on at a deeper level.
london, june 3, 2017.
i remember each attack because they are close to someone’s birthday, or maybe i remember the orly airport and london bridge and the louvre from those trips i went on when i was a child, blurry memories and foggy sketches and whatever concepts i can use as a reference. surreal acts all around europe, this guilty corrupted historical land i call home.
and then it hits as close as it can.
barcelona, august 17, 2017.
it feels like a joke at first, working my last hours at that café, a few kilometers away from the city. and there’s another empty van here in my town? don’t make me laugh, come on.
except it isn’t a joke. and the picture isn’t blurry anymore.
glass shards on the floor, hostages in the city centre.
is my brother okay?
wait, he’s not there, anne, he walked those streets but it was yesterday, not today.
father, you didn’t go to the old town today, did you?
do you want us to walk you home?, my boss asks at the end of my work shift.
friends i hadn’t heard from in years sending messages, no one on the streets, police encircling the van, parked next to the fast food place my friends and i used to go…
and it’s chaotic and crystal clear at the same time.
and i’m not afraid anymore.
// clear eyes and empty terror
(august 28th, 2017 - a.j.c.)