#badvert

Quick Badvert update, didn’t have a lot of time to write, and may have also got caught up in a pub quiz, but still...

We have had a few silly mascots in the world of advertising, we have had a penguin (British Gas), Gaz and Leccy (Smart Energy) ,and...er..Zingy? (EDF Energy).    Time to look at the latest competitor in the energy market...

...Except it is named after a bloody octopus!

Hello there Octopus Energy, nice B-movie attempt there, but your villian naming could use some work. I mean really, Giant Bill? Better names, Bill the Brutilizer. Banzai Bill, Bill-bo Baggins, all usuable.

The 50′s horror movie vipe ends quite quickly though, with everyones favourite Deus Ex Machina, the smartphone. And of all the colours in the world to use, it is bloody purple.

Giant Bill gets transformed into the most hoffifying stuffed octopus toy ever, and will live forever with it’s wry smile etched onto it’s face as the little girl will make sure it is the guest of honour at every tea party from now until the power finally runs out.

Oh, and it is recommended by TrustPilot if you want to make sure you only have things rated 5 stars in your entire life!

I would like to start today’s update with a brief statement.

I may not have continued with the 12 Days of Badverts over the weekend, and for that I say, “Yeah thanks, I am completely aware.”  I had someone ask when the next update was going to be as he enjoyed the first two, and when I said that I was not doing a weekend update, you should have seen his face.

Except I didn’t as I was not speaking face to face, and if you did, I would double check your choice of profession as you are either a VERY good spy, or you might need to maintain that shrine of yours, and besides he wasn’t that bothered. He’s a good friend like that, and you should be too.

On to Day 3, and the next choice was an easy one, because patterns are key.

It is time for Very to end up on the chopping block, and not just for the fact it’s ripping off the animation style of the plague of Christmas itself, Frozen (A crime in itself that should be punished to the fullest extent of the law).

Straight away I see a contridiction is this advert. Note the tagline : Get more out of giving. Let’s just say the woman in this ad, big-hearted she may be, has totally messed this up. Not to say I counted...much, but I saw her give away 52(!) pink pressies, and by the end of her story, she received one...from her daughter...who would have give her one anyway! Quite a defecit you have there Mrs Orange Hair.

To be fair though, most of the people she gave the Radioactive gifts to deserved it. Lonely woman, new parent, kids in hospital, a juggler... all deserving. The taxi driver? She didn’t use them, so I’m not sure whats going on there.

These are all small points though, and I found something more disturbing. I said earlier that patterns are key, so answer me this question. What is Very’s obsession with the number 3?

Three people in the cafe, the three snowball fight kids, three people at the bus stop, the three stages of life in the high street, the juggler, the waiting charge that taxi driver is adding onto the meter, the hospital. It’s everywhere, but why?

It’s like they have...a...payment...plan...

...shut up.

On the Third day of Badverts, the rant man gave to me:

3 Glowing Boxes

2 Sparkly Shoes

BT is next on the chopping block, with their series of “behind-the-scenes” adverts getting some proper acting muscle recently. It started with Ewbi-Wan Kenobi, and Deadpool in his most recent role as “Ryan Reynolds”, but now to advertise BT Mobile, we have Jack Ryan himself, the one and only Chris Pine....wait, the other one? Which other one?....oh ****, THAT one, Alec Baldwin.

So after watching this I can only come to the following three conclusions.

1) Alec Baldwin has been lying to us all this time, and that his dramatic timing....is poor, and therefore, he is selling BT Mobile....short.

2) BT Mobile does not have very good 4G and Wi-fi, and Mr Baldwin is making sure that the audience know that...in spades.

So is this the step Mars are taking in the world of advertising nowadays.

Gone are the days of office games where the prize was the last Malteser, farewell to the laughter gained from making slightly innappropriate cupcakes.

And hello to...a “creative” breakup...

Well, that went dark quick.

No, seriously. I mean, from the content of the ad, Neil is a bit of a d**k, and Annie? A Means to An End I guess.

But the most shocking thing? The BRUTAL attack on Left Malteser, sent across the “Cafbastraunt” like a bit of discarded meat.

IT sufferred worse treatment that the decieving stain on the floor boyfriend.

Poor treatment of Maltesers HAS to stop. Therefore, I will be founding a scheme to make sure Maltesers are only eaten and not flicked across rooms, named the “Immaterial Society for the Prevention of Attacks to Maltesers”, or ISPAM, for short....

The badverts have been brought back to life, but not by a highly ambitious US Biotech company, but by seeing what is the wierdest of the Aldi “That’s amazing” adverts I could have ever accidently stumbled in on.

Scene-setting time - I arrive back from work, crash on the couch, just in time for watching someone just getting eliminated from “The Chase”, and lo and behold....below

"Hello Mother".....What in the Frick was that!!!! The following then happened in the derailment that was my train of thought.

1) "Why is my jaw so far on the floor that I could start cleaning up the dust?"

2) "Where in the heck did the car keys come from? I mean I have heard of preparing for all eventualities but still...."

3) The most important thought... "Hang on, if you have managed to give life to the biggest advancement in human history of a "Bouncing FULLY GROWN HUMAN", why, WHY WOULD YOU NEED THE NAPPIES IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!???"

I would honestly check the water quality of wherever they think of these Aldi ads

Uh oh......wasn't the last (non-experimental) badvert I wrote about for....Audi!?

First things first, got a little bored back there, “The Dabbening” got a little to much, so the Winner(Loser) is JackpotJoy, because of course it is, that’s why!

Anyway moving on, I feel I don’t need to say much when it comes to a Jawdropper, and the below video would be the same if it wasn’t for 2 things, 1) It’s NOT a Badvert, and 2) There is a slight bit of backstory...

So went to see the new Avengers movie this weekend, and yes I thought it was awesome (even though the climactic battle between Robert Downey Jr and Krishnan Guru-Murthy felt a slight bit out of place), but the marketing beforehand was a little annoying. 3 Coke ads, 2 game ads and an advert for the new Lynx, and you would think the target audience were can-tower building, flop-sweating, gamers, but no... there were also women and children there, so when this advert came on.......

This isn’t so much an advert as an attempt to sell paint in the most pretentious way possible. 

They even call the advert “Colourless Future”, like the very idea of a world without Dulux the most haunting dystopian image anyone could ever conceive. George Orwell would be shoving spoons up his arse if he ever saw this.

According to Dulux’s minute long wank-fest masquerading as an advert, colour is outlawed in the future and everyone wears weird white condom suits. A girl bumps into a bloke and spills some colour on his shoe, then she takes him to this secret hideout full of colourful walls and people and tins of paint, they presumably fuck each other in a rainbow and the next day they set out to introduce colour to a disaffected world.