#ayacho

“Everyone”

Thank you for always supporting me. There’s a decision I made that I need to tell everyone about.

I, Ayaka Wada, will be graduating from ANGERME, as well as Hello!Project, after ANGERME’s spring tour of 2019.

I’m sure this decision coming so abruptly must get your mind running. For that I apologize. I chose to announce it via the blog because I wanted to compile my thoughts into a text.  It’d make me happy if you could read it until the end. -----

“Would it be possible keep chasing this dream together forever?”

I’ve been been struggling to balance thoughts such as those with the reality that I’m currently in. I’ve kept asking myself the same things; Even though I know there’s no real answer.

The more I thought about it, the stronger my feelings towards the group became. The more I thought about it, I questioned the meaning of life. The more I thought about it, I just became more and more confused.

It was during one of these moments that the second generations said to me: - “You never think about anything but the group. Is there nothing that YOU want to do?”

- “Singing. Dancing. I want to continue doing stuff like that.” For the first time, I told them the things that had been weighing on my mind.

And they told me: - “You’re always putting the group above yourself. Just do the things you want to do.”

It made me happy. To put it simply: It seems everyone thinks it’s fine for me to head onwards to chase my own dreams. But then there’s me. I’ve wanted to be a part of this group, even if it meant having to forsake some of my own goals.

The road to my dream has been an endless loop of exaltation and disheartenment. Before I knew it, I had lost my sense of stability. From then on, I stopped talking about the future with the others.

“I’ll look after my dreams inside the group;” As others around me kept graduating, I kept repeating that phrase. Both a principle, and a criticism towards the idea that everyone walks their own path in life… As if I was trying to convince myself I’m doing the right thing.

“Everyone walks their own path in life” It’s one of the most basic principles that anyone would take for granted, but one I couldn’t face with honesty. This is the place I chose for myself because I wanted to be here.  The idea of one day leaving it to walk my own path… It’s hard for me to grasp. So I figured my path in life wasn’t to go out there and chase my own dreams. My path in life is to be a part of this group. That was my answer. But at the pace the member lineup kept changing, even that conviction started to crumble.

The group constantly moves forward, but instead of trying to reach for new heights with it, there I was trying to preserve something.

------------------- ANGERME My group

“I want to continue chasing my dreams together with everyone forever.” While holding on to feelings such as these, the way I viewed ANGERME was gradually changing.

I began realizing that ANGERME can only truly become ANGERME if I were to no longer be a part of it (read: if all the original members are gone). It’d give the name change from S/mileage to ANGERME a real purpose.

Thinking about the group, about its future, also influenced the way I think regarding myself.

I didn’t come this far for nothing. I’m kept moving forward because I wanted to. That dream that we were all chasing, wouldn’t it be possible if it’s with ANGERME? I held on to these expectations. But after alluding to this dream for so long, would it be alright for me to be the one to ruin it? I became disappointed with myself.

The ANGERME I’m trying to create is but an idealization of my personal desires. I wish I had noticed it sooner. Or if I hadn’t noticed it, then maybe I’d have been able to carry on as always.  If things had turned out exactly as I envisioned it, I’m sure it wouldn’t have weighed so heavily on my mind.

But being able to take a hold of me to this extent This is a true testament to the charm; The potential this group possesses.

Furthermore, the members of ANGERME are also part of what’s kept leading me astray.

“I’m in this group because YOU are the one leading it.” “Please say with us forever”

Were they reading my heart? No. I’d like to believe they never noticed anything. With a twinkle in their eyes, as if you can see their aspiration in them, they tell me things like this. Their existence is so bright to me. To the point where I almost need to close my own eyes looking at them.

Thinking about the group after I’m gone scared me. I’ve gotten used to seeing others pass the torch to their juniors after witnessing their growth, but I don’t understand it myself. I’m not able to say that things will turn out alright, and I’m worried. Too worried even.

2017 was a year where the group and its future kept troubling both my mind and my heart.

What did I gain during all these years? Was it becoming more talented? Was it a happy life as an idol? It’s nothing so simple as that. I think by experiencing so many different things over the years, I grew as an individual.

Then… Will all my juniors be able to do the same?

Thinking about ANGERME in this way… I came to the conclusion that what ANGERME and my juniors need isn’t me. What’s needed is that every member gets to experience standing on their own two feet.

I’ve already gotten my share of life lessons from this.  From here on out it’s better for them to step forward and express their own opinions and desires, and I really hope they feel that way too.

It’s when all ANGERME’s original members are gone, that ANGERME will truly begin. What form the group will take is something they decide by their own hands; something they create together. There’s a lot of meaning to that, and it will be a great experience for them. I want for them to forget about me, and shape ANGERME together.

I think it’s that type of environment that shapes our adolescence. That helps us grow. Adolescence is probably the best way to describe it. If the group were to continue the way it was, then it’d just lead to everyone eventually heading towards their own path in life. Seems I still can’t buy the idea of everyone having this predetermined path laid out for them.

When I think of the group’s future, it’s that looming feeling that the members will eventually walk their own paths that get me the most. I feel it’s a waste. The more I think about taking the own path thing seriously, the less understand it. It’s so simple, but it’s what’s been nagging my mind.

But I’ll have it that way. I’ll walk my own path with all my might.

---- I want to continue standing on stage. My next goal is to continue singing and dancing well into my thirties. I want to try expressing myself in all sorts of manners. I’d like to spend my twenties making this a reality. If possible, I want to do so while still being regarded as an idol.

“That’s probably not very befitting of an idol?” “You’ll be an idol at this point in life?” No matter what people might say, I’m ready to continue on as an idol.

I dislike the idea that the label “Idol” has to follow some pre-determined set of conventions. I want to become someone who surpasses those; I want to show the world an idol can be so much more.

That way, I can say that from here on out is the real beginning. I’m excited to discover my own expression. But more than anything, I want to continue being a girl who can provide people with courage, and lift them up no matter what kind of troubles might be weighing on their mind.

I hope my future activities would come to be beneficial for Hello Project as well. Hello Project who reached its twentieth anniversary this year; It’d be nice if it’d continue this trend from now on as well.

That’s another reason why I want to remain on stage.

----------------- My activities in ANGERME, as well as Hello Project will end in about a year.

I’m sure you’re overcome with lots of different emotions after reading this text, but let me thank you for thinking about me, about ANGERME, as well as Hello Project.

It’s only one more year, but I’ll doing my utmost to present to you the best group there ever was, so I’d be happy if you’d continue to look after us. Or rather, I’ll work my hardest so that you’ll having something to look forward to in the future.

Thank you for your continued support.