Ryuusen

We always had a great time at this get-together, but never see each other again after, and I don't know why.

This time

I remembered a little bit more.

It was more like rekindling an old romance this time. I think she could tell somehow...

In the dream, at some point, I was looking for something, almost frantically. Some old messages we'd exchanged online a while back. There was a sense of desperation- like if I could just find them, and show her that I remembered, that it might mean something to her and maybe we wouldn't have to last ways again.

I couldn't remember where I'd saved the messages, it was barely on the edge of my memory.

Then something "clicked" into place. I realized I'd been in this situation before when I looked at her face again, and I immediately knew where to find those old mails and contacts.

I tried to tell her.

I showed them to her.

I didn't want to feel like I was losing... whatever our relationship was, again.

I'm sure, by this point, she already knew what I was feeling, what if always felt.

I tried to tell her: that I remembered, that it didn't have to go the same way again, that we didn't need to be closed off from one another...

Saddening.

I'm sure she must have a good reason for it, but it's still so confusing and frustrating. Feeling a strong connection with someone, but they just... just turn you away.

It's the end of this gathering now, and everyone is leaving. I try, at least to keep some form of communication between us. I tell her she can message literally whenever.

But

And as I said before, I remembered a little bit more this time.

But she just smiled.

As kindly as anything.

So incredibly serene.

With a kindness and compassion in her eyes, she just smiled and shook her head.

There was an energy between us.

She came close, and gently placed her hand on my shoulder. We both moved in for a kiss.

At the last moment, silently, she shows me something with her other hand. She's holding a pill of some kind.

She didn't say a word. But somehow, I think I knew- it had to be some kind of amnestic.

Despite desperately dreading what would surely follow, I was somehow at peace with it.

Like we were both riding this huge wave, following the flow of the impossibly calm and loving energy she was radiating.

Somehow I knew this needed to happen, just as she did.

She slips the pill into my mouth, and we share our parting kiss.

There was passion, and there was a yearning, as we kissed. And I felt the pill slowly slipping, slipping, towards my throat.

We hold each other close.

I feel myself swallow.

Now

Once again

Here am I.

Awake.

Missing my dear friend.

Her face now seems as an amalgamation of those of several other wonderful women I've met throughout my life.

But even if I could remember the correct details, it wouldn't help. Because her name.

Her name rests far beyond even the furthest teaches of my memory.

I know I probably shouldn't, but I will.

I will wish.

I will wish to see her again.

Wish that we won't have to leave.

Wish to never lose that connection.

Wish to permanently sear everything about her into my mind.

I know I will try.

Over and over again.

For her to keep me.