#awkwardlife

Soooo...I’ve been meaning to talk about this for months now. I’ve recently grown exponentially as a performer: singing, dancing, acting, and playing an instrument in front of thousands. I can do this without an issue. Put on a face. Do what I love. Tell my story. 

However, it’s also like putting up a wall. What these people see, the impression that they have of me as a person, is only half of who I am. The audience only sees the good side of me. 

On the other side, they don’t see who I am backstage and offstage... I’m literally an awkward sack of potatoes.  Talking to people still gives me major anxiety. Tossing out my own ideas terrifies me. I’m aware of how ridiculous it sounds in reality, but it takes time for my mind to remember things. Which is why I mostly listen in a conversation. And when I speak, it is either something really intelligent or literal brain vomit. 

I know I’m not the only person who experiences it. I’ve noticed that this behavior is similar to how comedians seem to be the most depressed of people. How doctors can be the least kinesthetic and not the type of people you’d call “Handy”.  What I’m trying to say here is that it’s okay to feel awkward regardless of the fact that you can belt like Mariah Carey (from 1999 back when she was still good). It’s okay to feel like nervous talking to a single person. You just need to always know that you can have control on it as long as you remember that you are okay.  The best way to do this is to have a close friend or someone who knows of your condition with authority. Having both is the best. If you have a close friend, that’s perfect. If it’s someone like a cast mate, like in my case, get to know them and build a trust with them. We’re performers. We understand each other.  As for a person with authority, I’m referring to a teacher, a guidance councilor, a parent, or a nurse. In my case, it was my company manager of my cast. They are responsible for knowing my condition and responsible for any health issues I may have. This one is important because they usually have the authority to have those who are unaware of you to back away when you are suffering an anxiety attack.