#avoidant personality

i've met so many avoidants over the years and a lot of the time it's usually out of social anxiety. or they're depressed. or maybe they actually have you reaching out first as part of their routine, so when you finally decide to not, they think you just want space, and they're too afraid of asking themself.

ask. work things out. express your own worries. maybe you asking will make them reach out more, or maybe you'll realize that you're actually fine with reaching out first, you were just worried that the feelings weren't mutual, but they are. they are mutual. it's okay.

i've met so many avoidants who have profound abandonment issues over these things because they have such a hard time interacting with people. please be patient. please try and work things out with them. please try and communicate with them. please try and compromise your needs. be gentle.

I have lost years, got behind on jobs and relatonships. I am years behind. And it will never stop, it lurks behind a corner, although I forget that is does. Everyone tells me that it's childish and pathetic to feel or be depressed (as if that will help me, I am dumb)

for the past few days, it was job related, and I got burnout because I got tricked into spending time with a toxic family member on two separate days. Now still the job thing remains and I have to come to terms with it because in truth I don't have more strenght than this rn, my motivation is fueled by my emotons.

I kept thinking for days, idk wtf is wrong with me, when there are so many things that I don't resolve and work on actively (as if they will get better on their own)(and the depression episodes will never stop)

I can either try harder or not try harder, and always the good and the bad habbits

I like to find resources that I can to help people who don’t have AvPD understand what we go through. I found this article that breaks down how to help your partner who has AvPD when you don’t have it that I like, since it makes it very clear that you are not their caregiver and it is not your responsibility to “cure” their AvPD. The recovery process is on us that have AvPD to make the right steps, however we do need help and support from our loved ones.

Watching a fruit bowl decay and being incapable of throwing the rotten away, she takes pleasure in watching the spots on the pears grow wider, the taught green skin becoming a blister of sickly yellowish brown, turning so fine and damp it ruptures just by looking at it, oozing its syrupy contents onto the partly dehydrated pomegranate below.

Each day she watches the mess grow. The fruits explode at different times, so that the fresh scent of the newly blistered pears floats among the fermented stench of the grapes that split two days ago. Fruit flies come, and they leave, too disgusting she thinks, even for the insect.

She is perfectly capable of clearing it up, she thinks she is at least physically capable. But then maybe she isn’t. Her hand almost wants to reach out and start dismantling the macabre still life but she won’t let herself. Because if the mess is there, she can see it, if she sees it, she knows exactly how disgusting, and self-indulgent, and abhorrent she herself feels.

Poetry: feelings