#aviposting

he acts quite glib about getting injured—i have been beaten up before, he tells kyr the first time she tries to threaten him (though he can't quite make his body relax), you can break my arms now if you want through a broken nose on chrysothemis—and i can't decide if it's sincere or bravado. probably both?

growing up on gaea, small and weak where physical strength is all that matters, an easy target—you don't think our soldiers need to know what it feels like to be hunted by a gang of merciless war monsters twice your size? kyr doesn't understand it, of course, she's one of them—even if you can't quite train yourself out of the fear, you can't be vulnerable either or they'll destroy you

and then you have his willingness to, in his own words, whore himself for the resources they need on chrysothemis, where despite clearly finding it distasteful he's able to treat his own body as just another tool to get him where he needs to be

this is all to say that i think avi tries quite hard to abstract his body away from being him in a way that matters. i think he's internalized what everyone has been telling him his whole life, that there are strong bodies, good bodies, and then there is the worthless thing that is his. he doesn't think he's worthless (which is for the big post) but he knows his value is in his brain. the rest is nothing.