It's been suggested a few times in #budoblr that studying martial arts will occasionally involve battling yourself as well as someone else.
For the past couple weeks I've been having Very Weirdโข tapes playing in my head every time I struggle with manipulating some object. Psychologists prefer the phrase "automatic thoughts", and maybe that's OK because it's less technology-specific. But I am a product of my times, and the first recording device I recall using was a tape recorder. "You're clumsy" "you're stupid" and "you're incompetent" are the most clearly identifiable voices in the crowd, but the rest of them are intoning similar crap. Because I believe everything I hear, you can imagine my emotional reactions. Dropping a pen, trying to pick up a handful of cutlery or an extension cord, opening a package, these things shouldn't leave me in tears, should they?
Should and do are sometimes different.
But, I can hear some of my more attentive followers thinking, you study aikido, the third most graceful martial art in the world! Plus, you can do that trick on your bicycle that leaves people speechless or swearing! In what world are you clumsy?
And the answer is, childhood. I spent a significant fraction of my childhood in and out of hospitals and in casts or braces and not running around playing as other kids do. Less physical activity in general means less developed co-ordination. The origin of the tapes is obvious.
But, why are these tapes coming out now? I'm progressing at the dojo (sankyu test soon), my kitchendance with my girlfriend is fabulous, I can still do that trick with the bike, so clearly these thoughts are in error. Demonstrably false.
The answer suggested by girlfriend is that it's precisely because the current reality, that of regular practice improving my co-ordination, contradicts the subconscious (early childhood) programming of my self image. It might not have been a positive image of myself, but it was stable and passed cursory inspection. And without some stability, a self image is hardly worthy of the name. My subconscious is fighting back, "we had a deal!"
I intend for it to lose this one. I intend to take that energy and dissipate it without harm to myself or my self image. Not sure how yet, but I imagine a laugh or two are in order. Kuzushi shouldn't be hard, because my subconscious is clearly feeling off balance.
