Rewind: Death of Father
We were on our way back from Auntie B's birthday party she held for my father. My parents got separated few months prior to this party and this weekend Big sis and I were staying at Father's appartment. When we got to the building Father lived at, I was very tired. I was 5 at the time and I wanted Father to carry me to the 2nd floor. He picked me up instantly. After passing 1 staircase, Big sis got jealous and wanted to be carried as well. She was 7, 8 days after my father's birthday, she'd turn 8. Being a nice father he picked his big girl up as well. When he arrived to the 2nd floor he was breathing rather heavily, putting us down to find his keys. We got inside, turned on the light and got our jackets off. I was drawing while Big sis played Rayman on the computer and Father watched TV in the livingroom. Father had a very exhausted look on his face. He was huffing and puffing and then he called for Big sis. "Get the phone" he told her. She hurried and got the phone for Father, I didn't think anything was going on so I continued drawing. I don't remember much since I got tired shortly after this. I remember that some men came and took Father somewhere. I remember Auntie A's arrival and the morning after all this. Auntie A took care of us overnight. The morning after, Auntie B arrived with a very sad look upon her face. I'd never seen her this sad. She was usually either really sweet and happy or having this scary stern look. But she was never sad. They sat down on the couch with Big sis and I. I think it was either dawn or cloudy outside, I'm sure it wasn't light outside. She told us that Father passed away and tears welled up in her eyes. But she didn't cry. Big sis cried. I didn't understand what happened yet, I wondered where Father was. Mother was(is) a stubborn woman. She wouldn't let any man get in her way. Not even the father of her children. Which led to the separation. I'd never seen her sad. She was always happy-go-lucky around me, since I was the youngest, and most spoiled. But when Auntie A and B took us home to Mother's apartment, she sat on the windowsill in the kitchen, staring out the window. She didn't welcome us home. She held paper tissue in her hand. I think she was crying, but I never saw her face. Big sis and I went into our room while Auntie A and B spoke to Mother. At the funeral, there was a lot of people. The coffin was huge and decorated with flowers. Auntie A brought Big sis to the coffin so she could see Father for one last time. Auntie B brought me as well. She was really sad. I wasn't tall enough to look over the wall of the coffin. I never got to see him. I was still confused about the whole thing. I didn't understand what was going on. I remember looking at everyone around me while the whole church sang the hymns. Everyone was sad, Auntie B even cried, the hymns were sad. I started crying. I don't remember Father. I've heard his voice in videos, seen his face on photos. But he's faceless in my memories. I had a few difficulties dealing with all this while growing up. At some point I talked to Big sis about my memories. Her memories differ from mine. When I got slightly older I got flashbacks. I remembered the night he was brought to the hospital, I remember that I exhausted him by getting him to carry me up the stairs. I blamed myself Big sis told me that he didn't get exhausted when he carried us up the stairs. He got the heart attack hours after arriving home. I don't know if that's the truth or if she's trying to protect me. Logic tells me that she's telling the truth, but my heart tells me otherwise. Either way I love Big sis. But I can't say I love nor miss Father. Because I don't remember him
