Confessions of a halfie

I stopped medicine december 2024. I started feeling different by Christmas the same month.

I started going to therapy spring 2025. I didn't want to go back into depression.

Winter 2025 was the worst winter in a long time.

I don't feel like elaborating on it. I'm trying to move past it. But the feelings and thoughts are etched into my mind and I think I need people around me to move past it. Reaching out is the hardest part. Everyone is dealing with their own. My partner cares for me and he loves me a lot. But he has a lot going on. There's not room for my issues right now.

I'll try and talk to some friends about it. But it's embarrassing. It's humiliating. I'm ashamed.

I'd rather not talk about it.

I say that but I really wish I had family to support me in this. I can't even talk to them.

My birthday is coming up and I don't like it. I don't know if I should celebrate it or not. I want to ignore it, I want people to not know about it.

But I feel like a drama queen if I do ignore it because my reason is literally not wanting to exist.

I'm going to tell my psychiatrist how angry I've become since starting the meds. I'm angry all the time.

Lately I've been silent as well. I don't talk to anyone about how I feel.

I was travelling and sent my mom a happy birthday message on Facebook, but she didn't reply. I didn't want to call her because she was nasty last time we talked and I don't need that right now.

My presence in the gaming community is growing. It's a bit scary but I'll do my best.

I want to be a source of positivity, warmth and happiness. But is it because I want to love myself? Is it because I actually care for others? Am I selfish or not. I don't know anymore.

All I do know is the fact that I hate myself a lot and I feel like I got nothing to be proud of. I want to cease existing. My loved ones would live a better life without me bringing them down with my depression.

I woke up at 5 am. With nausea. I just got over a cold and then I woke up with nausea damn.

I got out of bed and I'm drinking water.

Yesterday, a guy from online reached out to me. Asked me if I was ok. I appreciate it but at the same time it made me angry?

I don't mind him, but I don't see him as a friend. I thought "Why are you reaching out, we're not even friends"

I just told him I didn't want to talk about it.

Worst thing was that he heard it from someone else who's not my friend neither. And he even said something that wasn't true. We talked about this once, over a year ago. Why would he think he knows enough to talk about my situation to other people??? Rude.

I keep getting frustrated with others not opening up to me. But at the same time, I'm keeping my situation to myself. I haven't even talked to my boyfriend much lately. He's busy with uni.

I haven't gone to uni for like a month. I wonder if this is it. It might be time for me to give up. To drop out. But I don't want to.

Bad thoughts not been too bad lately. Or maybe they have?

Instead of figuring out how to end myself, I've been thinking how to prevent it. Or chaos control? I want the police or an ambulance to be the first on the scene. But idk if I can call them without them getting here too quickly?? I live beside a big road and a lot of ambulances and police cars drive by every day.

Surviving an attemt is the worst possible outcome.

Keeping on living is second worst.

I got up early and instead of browsing social media all day in bed I did it on the couch instead. At least I ate some food today.

My boyfriend got home and went to bed even though we promised to do chores together. He tried to get me in bed but I told him I didn't want to because I knew I'd end up falling asleep. He dislikes having the curtains open, but I get super depressed when they're closed. I could cuddle in bed with the curtains open. But I get too tired and depressed when they're closed.

A lot happened in a short amount of time.

I met a lot of people. I started playing my game more.

I quit my job.

I haven't talked to mom for 2 months.

I'm pressuring myself to do better on social media, in game, in person. But for some reason I can't bring myself to go to uni.... We're in the 3rd week of the new term and I went to uni 3 times. Only one of those days I managed to enter the class.

What is happening to me, why am I scared. I keep telling myself I'm trying to get better but I also think about hanging myself almost every day.

ALMOST every day. Almost. NOT every day. That's good. I'm still scared. Make it stop. I don't feel great.

When I feel horrible I don't know what to do. I feel horrible right now. I was diagnosed with stress induced depression as well as anxiety but am I panicking? Is this a panic attack?

I don't know what's happening but I want it to stop.

I was feeling ok earlier and thought about blogging about it but I just took a nap and now I feel horrible and I want to die.

I work a lot and forget to eat. I want to work so I forget thw bad thoughts. I'm afraid I'll succumb to them if I don't work/build relations.

If you die, you don't have to be stressed or scared anymore.

My boyfriend seem like he doesn't want to talk to me when I'm drained. Am I too much?

I know he dislikes talking to me when I'm suicidal. That's fair. But sometimes he avoids me when I'm tired or drained. As if he's afraid of me being suicidal again, idk how to explain it.

It's easier to nurture the depressive thoughts and self hatred rather than trying to feel better.

How do you know you're getting better if you think of hanging yourself every day. Did I give up again? Am I even trying?

"go talk to someone, don't hold it in"

Lmao who should I talk to? My boyfriend? My friends?? My family???

If I don't want to get better, I shouldn't let them know I feel bad in the first place.

I want to tell someone so badly but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared. What am I scared of?

Hurting them. Making them feel scared. I just want to have fun and let them be happy. I want to be happy too but I also wanna die.

It's difficult to listen to people venting about their self loathing and suicidal ideation. You want to help so bad but you can't help if they don't want your help. I want help but I know I'll end up hurting someone if I tell. I already hurt my boyfriend.

June came and passed. Wow.

Good news. I'm not being thrown out of uni, woo! I'm also in a good mood this morning. I don't feel like I want to die.

But if you asked me "do you want to die?" - I'd reply yes.

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I forgot I took my meds and stayed up for an hour after taking them, maybe that's why? I'm supposed to take it and go straight to bed.

Yesterday I was wondering whether or not I really wanted to die. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of sharp objects. I'm scared.

But if I'm scared, does that mean I don't want it to happen? The thought of preparing a noose in my livingroom sounds horribly reassuring, yet standing on a swaying bridge a few meters above ground scares me so much I can't breathe properly.

I wonder why suicide is such a taboo. You should be able to decide your own death if you want to.

I won't do it since I have loved ones I don't wanna hurt. Even if I did do it. Why would they blame me. If I deemed it necessary to off myself, it's my decision. I'm hurting. Every day. It hurts. I want to cry but I live with my boyfriend and I don't want him to see me hurt, it hurts him too.

If I kill myself, it's because I can't bear it anymore. I've been fighting for YEARS. Don't judge me if I can't fight anymore. Feeling hurt constantly for years is draining.