#asuli

I... thought I loved @lishangjr. I really, really wanted to; on paper, he was perfect, you know? But in reality, the only person I’ve been with that I can confidently say I was (and am) in love with is @felixstabby.

Freddie: Boy, I swear you got your phone set to auto-reply "Freddie, I have a girlfriend" now to me but TODAY I'M NOT COMING IN HERE TO COMPLIMENT YOUR ABS.

Sydney: I went to the doctor's appointment for my annual checkup and she didn't give me any literature about losing weight this year, yay! I don't even think my weight was THAT different than last year, but maybe I just looked better to her or something?

Ew, you guys really think I’m supposed to care about all of these people and their gross love lives? Thanks, I hate it.

Me: Adventure and awesomeness. And also @margaerycharming.

@therubyfitz: Well since she bored @robbshood away I guess that means whoever she dates next should be someone boring. What about @sonnylemons? No one likes doctors, they save lives or whatever but it’s at the expense of having any kind of personality!

@annefitzherbert: FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT ANNE SUCKS! And @casperlockex is always saying how @sumskellingtwin is a boring fun-sucker so she’d be perfect for my sister!

@lilyofthegoth: She’s going to get mad at me for saying this BUT OH WELL! It’s been my job ever since I met Lily to make sure she has fun and lives her best life and then she WENT OUT AND GOT A TOTAL SNOOZEFEST BOYFRIEND WHO BRINGS HER BACK INTO HER SHELL! So dump @liamdvbois, stop being a turtle, and maybe you could go become a pirate with @tobiasslade! DO IT. DO IT NOW.

Ginny: UHHH I’m running out of people, you guys! THIS LOVE CRAP ISN’T FUN FOR ME! Maybe Ginny could go out with @lishangjr or something since he’s old and I already gave his girlfriend to Anne.

@emery-gothel: I STILL SAY NOBODY, sorry! Nobody here has proven that they’re good enough for her and it’s really boring and annoying watching her throw herself at boys that keep saying she’s like a little kid! I mean, I guess her liking all the wrong people gives me an excuse to attack people with my frying pan, which I love to do... but Em always says she doesn’t want me to do that on her behalf so therefore her love life is cancelled.

@emmett-thunderstrike would be related to me if Anne marries Summer and he marries @winskellingtwin, so obviously that’s cancelled. Maybe he could get with @haverlyarendelle since they always talk about each other for no reason! Or if there is a reason, I have no idea what it is, I don’t pay attention to them like that!

@spencer-thunderstrike: He’s a butthead but some people like that or whatever. Maybe @diamcndskylucy? She looks like she could deal with grumpy people. Or maybe that’s just her face, what do I know?

@rocketstrongbow: Who did I say for her before? I already forgot so they couldn’t have been that fun, whoops! Maybe she can get with @djcygnet when his grumpy grandma cancels another marriage or something. She’s cooler than most princesses and he also has fun pets, which, you know, I support. Everyone should have those in their lives, even if they’re just stealing them from their boyfriends.

@felixstabby: He’s just gross and only cares about naked stuff! @lagunadelmar seems like she likes to be naked, so can they both go be in a naked cave far far away where I never have to hear about it ever?

@cassidystabbington is also grumpy and boring!!! I know I’m amazing but I can’t fix people who want to be the worst! Maybe stick her with @jacksondoppler so he can fly her into outer space and leave her there!!!