#asulily

Jia: Okay, that painting is so beautiful I want to eat it!

Send me three names + a number…

@jessgibbs, @hazel-lemon, and @lilyofthegoth are all WAY TOO PRETTY TO BE MY MOMMY! Wait, shit, no, I didn’t mean that! MAMA MARIAN, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL, I JUST DON’T DIG YOU LIKE, YOU KNOW, REGULAR NON-MOM GIRLS.

Ew, you guys really think I’m supposed to care about all of these people and their gross love lives? Thanks, I hate it.

Me: Adventure and awesomeness. And also @margaerycharming.

@therubyfitz: Well since she bored @robbshood away I guess that means whoever she dates next should be someone boring. What about @sonnylemons? No one likes doctors, they save lives or whatever but it’s at the expense of having any kind of personality!

@annefitzherbert: FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT ANNE SUCKS! And @casperlockex is always saying how @sumskellingtwin is a boring fun-sucker so she’d be perfect for my sister!

@lilyofthegoth: She’s going to get mad at me for saying this BUT OH WELL! It’s been my job ever since I met Lily to make sure she has fun and lives her best life and then she WENT OUT AND GOT A TOTAL SNOOZEFEST BOYFRIEND WHO BRINGS HER BACK INTO HER SHELL! So dump @liamdvbois, stop being a turtle, and maybe you could go become a pirate with @tobiasslade! DO IT. DO IT NOW.

Ginny: UHHH I’m running out of people, you guys! THIS LOVE CRAP ISN’T FUN FOR ME! Maybe Ginny could go out with @lishangjr or something since he’s old and I already gave his girlfriend to Anne.

@emery-gothel: I STILL SAY NOBODY, sorry! Nobody here has proven that they’re good enough for her and it’s really boring and annoying watching her throw herself at boys that keep saying she’s like a little kid! I mean, I guess her liking all the wrong people gives me an excuse to attack people with my frying pan, which I love to do... but Em always says she doesn’t want me to do that on her behalf so therefore her love life is cancelled.

@emmett-thunderstrike would be related to me if Anne marries Summer and he marries @winskellingtwin, so obviously that’s cancelled. Maybe he could get with @haverlyarendelle since they always talk about each other for no reason! Or if there is a reason, I have no idea what it is, I don’t pay attention to them like that!

@spencer-thunderstrike: He’s a butthead but some people like that or whatever. Maybe @diamcndskylucy? She looks like she could deal with grumpy people. Or maybe that’s just her face, what do I know?

@rocketstrongbow: Who did I say for her before? I already forgot so they couldn’t have been that fun, whoops! Maybe she can get with @djcygnet when his grumpy grandma cancels another marriage or something. She’s cooler than most princesses and he also has fun pets, which, you know, I support. Everyone should have those in their lives, even if they’re just stealing them from their boyfriends.

@felixstabby: He’s just gross and only cares about naked stuff! @lagunadelmar seems like she likes to be naked, so can they both go be in a naked cave far far away where I never have to hear about it ever?

@cassidystabbington is also grumpy and boring!!! I know I’m amazing but I can’t fix people who want to be the worst! Maybe stick her with @jacksondoppler so he can fly her into outer space and leave her there!!!

@marley-yao is desperate, so she’d be ready to insta-marry the first guy who throws her a bone. If anyone is stupid enough to be her Valentine, they’ll be stuck with her for months. Maybe @jeremypotts or @marcoalandale? They seem to be falling for her ‘oh gosh you think I’m cute?’ crap.

Is it just me, or does @sydneyandersen and @deeturkey happening give anyone else the feeling that @dumturtle and @quincydavis are going to get back together just so they don’t feel left out?

@stargirlvasilovich looks poised and ready to get some. Whether it’s from @neilbubbles being obsessed with her for being named after a star, or @nickelforrester being obsessed with her being an actual star, who knows?

@cashforrester and @margovasilovich? What the fuck is that? I saw them planning their first date though, and if I were her, I’d hold onto that forever.

@ellecharming and @rtpendragon. He’ll let her fuck his brains out like she wants, and then he’ll feel obligated to instantly propose because he’s just that special brand of boring and predictable.

@lilyofthegoth and @liamdvbois. I thought they’d been a couple already for like the past year, but based on their obnoxious faux-oblivious posts about each other, it seems like they’re waiting for the right moment to make it official. My guess is that’s going to be Valentine’s Day, and they can live snoringly ever after.

I’d say @fisaac and @cassieadale but... His little sister’s a huge cockblock and gloms onto him at every major holiday, so better luck next time? 

Am I the only one who heard that @casperlockex was actually asking about flowers? Last I checked he was into one of those Sherwood girls but I can’t remember which, so... him and @jojohood or @katie-kluck or @racheladale or whatever.

@dev-sinclair and @sweethilde. No prince is every going to fall for you, sweetie, just settle for an Isle hottie before they’re all snapped up and you’re a lonely old hag. 

SEND 6 PEOPLE AND I’LL TELL YOU WHO I WOULD:

do the sexy love™ with: @chloeoftheball, how smart she is is so attractive!

sacrifice myself for: Um... Wow, I must seem so selfish, not wanting to give up my life for anyone else’s. I’m sorry! I’ll try extra hard to make a difference in the world so my selfishness is worth it. 

kick: @ruefitz? I don’t know, it’s this gut vibe!!

take to prom: @happyevieafter would do a great job getting ready with me so we may as well enjoy the dance together, too!

abandon in jurassic park: @lacklands! But it’s a film set, not the real deal.

push off a bridge: @sebkoenig. Not that I’m strong enough to, but still.