#ask4help

So I realise that it has been a while since I last posted properly, with either a chatty blog post (like this one) or part of a work in progress, and I can’t really say anything other than I’m sorry.

It has been crazy at home, after ending up in Lockdown 3.0 and having all lessons back online again, it’s been a lot. 

I’ve been struggling quite a lot and worrying SO much, and yet I still don’t talk to anyone about it because I think I’m being silly. I’m not. I know I’m not and yet there is still a voice in my head that is whining and whispering saying that I’m the only one and I’m just being stupid..

I know it’s difficult for everyone.

Everyone is struggling, trust me it isn’t just you, talk to someone.. anyone you trust. A friend, family, teachers, call an anonymous helpline. 

I know it does and will seem strange but it can’t do any harm to ask for help.

‘It’s okay to ask for help’

‘The only mistake you can make is not asking for help’

One thing that always helps me are quotes. I know it probably sounds silly and ridiculous but having another person’s opinion/perspective is always helpful.

It changes the way I think about asking for help, try it.

~ ShadowLight 🌸 

I had a psychosis when I was 20. I got treatment when I spoke to my mom and said there were all sorts of things going wrong, I heard voices from people saying hateful words, harassing me and bullying me, I heard people say sexual comments repeatedly, and threaten me with violence. I would see people spitting on me and I also would see flashes of blue light briefly in my eyes. I was at work one day and I was like this is very wrong, and I went to the manager and said I am not feeling good and I had to go home. I went home and that night I had an anxiety attack where I felt like I was dying I felt like intense stress and I passed out with a white haze in my vision. Then I went to the emergency ward with my mom and we spoke to the nurses and doctors, and I even heard them saying sexual comments. I told them everything and they came back with Olanzapine Zyprexa Zydus. I took the Zydus and I started to feel more relaxed, and the intense anxiety feeling was gone. I also had no voices or hallucinations then. I then went home and continued taking the Zydus daily and I went to my doctor and they got me additional visits to a psychiatrist/psychologist and I was diagnosed with schizophreniform. Over the years I had issues and I went back to the doctor and I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was 31 in 2015. Before I visited my doctor I was having visual hallucinations and hearing voices. After I got perscribed paliperidone Invega I had a dramatic loss of hallucinations and voices. To the point where I had no hallucinations, or only rarely like every couple months or so one blip, but not a dozen a day. I still struggle with my disjointed thoughts and I do hear voices but it is much better and I am coping very well with paliperidone. I have always been able to hold down a job, although I did have issues in 2008-2010 I was able to keep working and I now am working in the career I love, Information Technology. I sometimes hear voices, and I still have disjointed thoughts, but I refuse to drink alcohol or smoke cannabis, and I take very good care of my physical health and eat well. I am able to be a functional member of society and work as an IT person and enjoy that very much.

Just remember to speak to your family and your doctor about anything if you are suffering from voices, hallucinations, disjointed thoughts, and suicidal thoughts. I had voices telling me to do bad stuff but I refused to do anything bad, when I first had a psychosis at 20, and I was able to get treatment before something bad happened. I know it sucks having to take pills and it can suck when people don't believe what you say sometimes, but there are good people still who genuinely care, and are going to help you get treatment or be a friend or family member that can make you feel good again. Just remember to once you get treatment you have to take very good care of yourself and never do drugs, alcohol or cannabis, and don't be afraid to speak to your doctor or loved ones if you are suffering. Mental disability is a very hard issue because you may look healthy physically, but you may be injured mentally in your brain, and we need to treat that before you suffer any more pain or physical harm from it.