#asianparenting

You would think that after all that has happened to my family that they'd have a change of attitude or heart towards how they do certain things. I am appalled mostly at how my mother continues to talk and treat me whenever it is convenient to her.

Over the weekend, I took the time to go over to my parents place despite nursing a hangover and going for Nuuna's grand launch exhausted. My mum had to take a stab at my competence just because she can.

I dont think her comments merit any form of discussion but something bout her comments and tone just ticks me off. She went on to say that she had every right to say what she can say to me because she is my mother.

She tried to blame me for my emotional state but the inability to look inward really truly pissed me off. One of the things my mum is convinced shes well aware of is who i am as a person. A part of me feels like she is jealous of the life I get to have and never got to be a part of such independence. Instead, she is stuck with a half paralysed husband and taking care of two useless men at home by herself makes her feel like she entitled to take it out on me because I moved out.

She texted me this after we had argument:

"Good morning. Just concern & worried of you. I think you should check it up with a therapist on your mood swing . I realised you get angry and agitated very fast. You were gentle & happily talking and another minute your temper flare up and you started scolding in public. I was quite shocked& upset you reacted in such emotional state. I can see that you are very stressed over little things and very impatient. Yes, I agree that I shouldn't brought out topics that happens so many years ago, to me I feel alright bcoz you are my daughter and its a family talk. I am sorry about that."

To which I replied:

"Morning. I just want to tell you there’s nothing wrong with my mood. Since you want to know I’m going to tell you as an adult I’ve had to unlearn a lot of things that I believed since I was young that really affected my confidence and self esteem.

Growing up, you always believe that you shouldn’t compliment me or tell me you’re proud of my achievements. And even as an adult, that theory still stands strong with you. I’ve learned that you will never change and accepted that.

It’s ok if you don’t tell me you love me or you’re proud of me or if you miss me or even if you’re thankful for me - I accepted that. But when you question my ability and competence to you or this family as a provider or a daughter, this really cuts deep into my heart. I believe I go above and beyond for this family. I take every opportunity to think about this family and sometimes even stretch myself over for you. I can see that you do the same for this family too. I learned from the best and appreciate your sacrifices.

So to hear my own mother criticise me and put me down in public even after I’m well off into adulthood is the most painful thing a daughter can ever go through: it angers me and I don’t appreciate being compared to a younger version of myself that was clearly only 20 years old at that time.

Your insensitivity comes from an entitlement you’re my mother but you disregard the fact that you’re my mother. I only have one mother. And if that mother can’t even show me love and encouragement but instead doubt, discouragement and sometimes even call me useless, stupid, can’t be trusted. How can I feel loved and safe around my own mother?

I’m equally shocked that my own mother can put me down so badly in public or even infront of friends and family when I’ve done literally nothing to you to make you feel this way about me. If you really feel this way about me over something I’ve done as a teenager I’m fairly disappointed you don’t see any form of growth in me. You say you don’t say anything nice bout me to my face - that when you compliment me it’s not infront of me. What I’m hearing is I don’t even deserve it but in contrast to how you talk bout Justin - the tone is always much more gentle, thoughtful and respectful.

I’m telling you this because I don’t know how to keep this all inside while having to still be the model daughter that you want. I always feel like I’m not enough to you and frankly, the reason why I fight back is because you don’t have the same respect you give Justin to me. If that’s the case, I don’t see a point to give you the same respect cause you make me, your only daughter; feel like dog shit whenever it’s convenient to you.

I accept your apology and I’m also sorry I snapped at you, but this is a VERY common occurrence with you and it doesn’t sit well with me. Please, if you still want to fix this relationship between us, I really hope you:

A) realise I need to hear gentle words from you B) your words as my mother weigh so much more than anybody else in the world - so choose them wisely C) respect no matter what your relationship is, is earned. I reciprocate whatever energy you give me even though I love you D) I love you and always will, but I can’t say the same bout you because I’ve only ever known that you think of me as a piece of shit daughter. I feel like it all the time whenever I’m around you."