Spastic Youth

March has certainly gone by so swiftly but not without any bumps.

I'm writing out of anxiety and know its been awhile since I've checked in on myself and my thoughts.

I just found out that a friend of mine unfollowed me and also removed me from his following. Now, I know this may sound trivial but when something so sudden happens to a good friendship, wouldn't you be curious/anxious too?

I started the month with a lot to deal with - arguments with Bryant aside, I know very well that these things are something we could work on to be better but nothing could've prepared me for this sudden drop of the friendship between Dan and I.

I've always been so fond of him. The love I have for my friends now feels a little taken for granted all of a sudden.

On another note, I'd be starting a new job soon here in KL. Thankfully the drive is only 15 mins away but I am still penniless and worry that things might not pan out for me the way I would like.

I am anxious about a lot of things at the current state. Including the fact that my family doesn't have a clue that I was jobless for 7 months and now taking a huge paycut to work in this new company.

lets look back on the things that you are grateful for shall we?

you started off feb with a lot of blessings.

you met up with an old colleague for a quick catch up - reminding you of how far you've come in your career. Recognising how much of a break you needed since your first corporate job.

you went to an event that you never thought that you would be invited to again....? Cause, you know....you're not exactly Gen Z or super famous or whatever.

On top of that, at that event, you got yourself a shirt from Pestle & Mortar which you also didn't know you would be awarded lol. And was also featured in a Reel/TikTok that you also didn't intend to be in last min at the event.

you celebrated a friend's birthday, you spent time with your family and your boyfriend's family.

Despite being oh so poor, you still managed to gift your boyfriend, 5 shirts for Valentines Day.

you had the pleasure of meeting friends from abroad again, like, Russell, Arthur, Darren, Nickolai and Nylinne.

you hosted Nylinne and had the blessing of being taken care of while she was here.

your boyfriend loves you and you had the pleasure of sharing that love with your extended family for the first time this year.

your mum and dad loves you a lot and they like your boyfriend too.

you managed to sell off some clothes for very little money - but money is money right?

you didn't win a lot of money from gambling but it was a fun bonding session.

you had the pleasure of making another video with The Record and earning small pocket money for groceries and gas.

you were also given another opportunity to work with Juyi who gave you a small gig for a bank.

you shot a campaign for L' Oreal Paris.

you cleaned your house so thoroughly and it wasn't even that bad.

you watched a movie with your family.

your brother and sis in law came home from Copenhagen just in time for the end of CNY.

your boyfriend loves you and financially, emotionally and mentally supports you - all while still juggling to understand you.

you are loved, you are cared for and you are blessed.

I learned that every mistake I made in 20s is shaping me to be the person I am in my 30s.

Being gentle with yourself is a neccessity.

Having friends is a luxury.

Health is wealth.

And love is work.

You can choose to live a perfect life without mistakes.

But without them, there will be no growth.

Forgive but don't forget.

Remember but let go.

Love but find peace.

I felt as tho my year started off fresh but it didnt come with any worries. I had Bryant by my side championing my burdens while I seek out opportunities that can help me make money in any possible way.

I've thought bout what we went had to go through the past 3 weeks. Happiness, bliss, arguments, betrayals and more. The mix of emotions has drained the both of us and left us wondering if this is what entails for the future of our lives that we are ever so eager to build together.

As we both unravel the heartache he has caused me over and over again, we also deepened our bond together by meeting each other's family in the New Year. Further cementing the future together into existence.

The burning question remained, "Will I ever let it go?"

Finding out that he cheated on his ex with me and another woman, finding out he went out with this other woman while I was at a festival celebrating my birthday. Finding out he felt like we weren't stable and he didn't know what he wanted in the beginning but said the opposite to me during that time. Could I ever forgive him? Could I ever forget his inability to keep it in his pants while convincing others around him to lie to my face?

I am sad, tired and lost but I have to rely on him financially to stay afloat now. That is not to say that I don't truly love and care for him. But that is insane no? It almost feels crazy that I allowed such a man to manipulate me and others around him - and eventhough I hate him for it, I still manage to love him?

Cam once said to me, "You'll get tired of his shit one day". When will that day come? And when that day comes, will it be too late because we have both exchanged the family meetings and such? It's almost flattering that I am the first woman he has brought home to introduce to his family since his ex wife.

It is almost crazy to say the least that he still wants to pursue this eventhough he has found so many ways to sabotage this relationship. I will never forget the day I said I wanted to leave and he didn't let me. It was toxic. It was so mind numbing and hurtful and yet I couldn't bring myself to leave. And I know exactly what he thinks of me - he probably lost his respect for me that day.

I know he loves and cares for me; otherwise why would he be doing all this for me? There is no benefit for him to financially take care of me nor continue to support me but maybe it is temporary because he knows I too wont want to allow myself such tragedy to live on longer than it should.

It is a new year, and I want to move forward.

The burning question remained, "Will I ever let it go?"

I want to for my mental health sake.

I've gone through the journey of feeling less than and then too much and sometimes just enough.

If you know how I'm feeling, you probably feel that way too once in awhile. In this lifetime, sometimes our insecurities fuel us a little bit too much no matter how much you want to drown the sound out.

I feel that way, all the time.

It's not that you dont feel your worth, its just hard for you to convince someone to treat you right. You can't make someone love you the way you want to be loved especially after you've communicated how you want to be love.

can sometimes be so important yet forgettable. one minute you mean the universe to them, the next you're strangers.

this doesn't only apply to love in partners but in friendships too. often times I wonder if the level of service I offer them will bear the same returns; but as unconditional love goes, you'd think the bare minimum would be loyalty, honesty and the well being of the other person.

but all these things do get taken for granted once in awhile. sometimes, we're so wrapped up in our own shit we don't take the time to understand the other's needs.

and thus, this is life. this is adulthood. this is drama.

we're easily sucked into it and yet we're unaware of the part we play in it.

i'm pledging myself some dignity and planning my day as it goes to care lesser for retaliation but there should also be some form of outlet if I wanna survive the days without having one single mental breakdown.

idk if I'm taking care of myself well enough but I certainly am trying. I'm not perfect, yes. I make mistakes everyday to learn from them, sometimes repeating them because it doesn't get thru my thick skull. what I don't understand is how some people find it their liberty to judge me on their high horses.

Look, life fucking sucks.

We all know that.

Some things, you'll need to sithe thru before you can fully comprehend what went wrong, why you copped it and how you should cop it.

You are worthy of a love that is boundless and brings you peace.

You are somebody who has gone thru so much last year.

I know this year isn't ideal but it couldn't have been worse than last year.

I know that you've been thru so much loss, it's ok. You'll find your tribe again, you'll attract the real ones, you'll be the one who can hold you together.

You have love to give, give it willingly but guard your heart.

You only reveal what you choose to share.

After 4 years and more of a friendship with my group of friends, the day has finally come where all good things must come to an end.

With the return of Eugene coming home from his holiday, it was quite immediate that he had executed a plan to officially remove me from the group, a year after everything has happened.

I didn't do a good job at retaining some of these friendships too tbh but I couldn't care less either way. Some of these people have failed to impressed me in the year and in fact, given me the major ick after awhile.

18 Aug, Friday - This date will be a significance because it is the day you got fired. It was a very hard day for you because suddenly you went from making 5 digits to nothing. It is scary, I know. But here are a few things you need to remember in your term:

2/10 of your clients failed to renew and possibly didn't like you but 8/10 did.

8/10 of those clients - 1 of them offered you a job abroad to join their team. What this means is that they love you, they believe in you and they want you. You aren't useless.

In your 10 months with this company, you have successfully renewed and gained the trust of 2 clients that were deemed difficult to renew. This means, you have done your job; perhaps you could've done more, but it is ok.

Truth is, you were in the company for 3 months and you've already shown tremendous good work by building a strong relationship not only with client but with your internal content team who deemed your previous predecessor "mean" or "difficult".

You have never once thrown malice towards your clients and team members.

You even helped your sexual predator manager to do HIS job.

You complied to their silly time management tool when your manager didn't.

The list go on & on....

What I'm trying to say is. This isn't the end for you.

Because the second this door closed, you were offered another job quite immediately. Was it ideal? No. Are you upset? Maybe a little hurt but truth is, you've been burnt out since March.

You've been yearning for a holiday and when you got one on your birthday, it was HELL. It wasn't pleasant and you kept getting sick and YOU'RE STILL SICK. But you have a new relationship, your peace, savings & time to finally wind down and get the rest you deserve.