I mentioned in a previous post that trauma and neurodivergence has influenced my nonhumanity. It's honestly a big part of why I've gone back and forth on whether or not I really am nonhuman, or if it's just like. A trauma response/coping mechanism. I know when I was very young, I liked to imagine myself as a dragon, and wished so much to become one. After all, being a dragon means you're big and strong and powerful and nobody can hurt you. And if you ever do fear for your safety, you can simply fly away. Being a dragon meant safety, and that was important to me, because I didn't feel it much as a human.
It's also a way to sortof reclaim the emotional isolation I've faced my entire life. Part of my particular brand of neurodivergence is my inability to connect with anyone, and my very low empathy. I don't know if I was born like this, or if it was stripped from me after a childhood full of neglect and solitude. But it's something I've had to come to terms with and learn to live with. Dragons in my mind are very solitary. Of course there are dragons who are social and feel things very deeply and have close-knit families. But I am not one of them. I'm the type to hold my own territory and immerse myself in whatever matters concern myself and myself alone, without care for the world beyond.
Then the trauma I experienced later as a young teen served to dehumanize me completely, and further divided me from the very few people I would've considered myself 'close' to. All the shame from what I went through manifested in a sense of deep self-loathing, that has never really gone away, and has only made me acutely aware of how inhuman and monstrous I am. Being a dragon then was less about safety, and more about embracing the alien, predatory sense of self I had. That specifically, in conjunction with my inability to connect, has created the very reptilian form I take. Nothing about me is soft or mammalian, and it feels wrong to ascribe any traits of that to what I am.
Because of all of my 'issues', every interaction I have involves masking. I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I come off as charismatic to those around me. But it's draining, unnatural, and it makes me feel even more like an impostor; like a coiled, tense predator. A dragon has no expectations of the sort. It can be distant and isolated and callous, with no mincing of words or faux platitudes. It can be vicious even, with no 'violation' of how a dragon is meant to be. It may be resented for its nature, of course. But it is no less draconic for it.
Ultimately, my draconity may only be a product of the hand I was dealt in life. A way to cope with an isolated experience. But my identity has been draconic for so long, I don't think I can dismiss it, even if it's not the typical experience for nonhumans.
