#as vent posts

there's a post about social skills that's making me irrationally angry because everyone is saying "you can't use your autism as an excuse you can learn social skills that's why they're called skills" like i haven't been fighting to communicate with people for years. online i can't have conversations and i don't want to either, literally because it's hard. everyone reassures me that the way i talk and respond and interact is ok but i don't want to do this online. i hate it. it's so hard to figure out how to respond to people with words to the point that i totally avoid it. i don't know how. irl i can just exist around people, i don't have to fight to basically exist, i like being quiet, but right now the only way to communicate is online and i'm tired and upset

I really hate it whenever people call hyperempathy/having a soft heart a gift when it's actually really psychologically distressing at times. However I don't necessarily wish I wasn't but if I wasn't I wouldn't wish for it.

I'm autistic and my brother has ADHD. Whenever my NT mom talks about him to me behind his back, it's always, "Isn't he so annoying?" "Sorry that you have to put up with him." But I love to hear him talk. Disregarding how a mother is saying that about her own son, IDK, I've just been thinking a lot recently about how NTs perceive us. NDs are constantly fed the message by society that nobody cares both explicitly and implicitly and it makes me sad.

i am so sick and tired of people assuming that "if you're an autistic person who can't mask their symptoms, you must have led a super privileged life, anyone who's been treated badly for being autistic learns to mask it" or whatever. i'm a mid-functioning autistic person who grew up in an extremely abusive environment where i was regularly yelled at - and once i became a teenager, regularly PHYSICALLY BEATEN - for acting autistic. i still cannot mask my symptoms at all, ever.

I used to feel horrible any time I did something "wrong" or any authority figure was upset with me, like, I cried over turning in school assignments late. When I was in college. (It's the trauma™️ from having a learning disability and constantly getting in trouble over things I didn't understand) Lately I've started to feel less "oh god please forgive me" and more "fuck you, I'm trying my best" I don't know if this is really positive progress or not.

When one of your special interests is somewhat controversial and inherently political so you constantly pretend you don't like it because you are used to people making fun of things you like however people can still tell you like it and when you try to find others with the same interest you sometimes end up finding gross and shitty people but you aren't like them and you refuse to associate with them so you're just stuck there feeling like a piece of shit

im really ashamed of my asd and its traits, it really hurts and i feel like there's nothing good for me in the future... idk how to stop feeling this way. i used to be more positive about it when i was younger, idk what happened but now i just feel miserable. i needed to vent that's all. thank you for listening :)