A Day of reflection- Day 13
--Nameless has made his way for almost two full weeks. ย Stumbling, falling scrounging, full of self loathing and pitty. Caught between trying to understand the Will of the great God Zetโtalen and begging for the mercy of death to befall him. ย There have been no answers nor any kindness received,Still he survives dedicated to completion of the atonement which was agreed with the devoted of the Great God. He now sits on a muddy riverbank late in the night and thinks to himself ย --
Two weeks. Almost Two weeks since my life and my love and all I hold dear was taken by the gods. Two weeks ago today I was drunk in my garden and Anada came to me offering to lend me money as i had given all I had to save Daโavel and had no money to pay my staff. She came to me and offerd to help me but I could not take it as it was all she had. What kind of man would I be to take the last notes of his servant to bay his own bills... no man at all.
she sat with me and I poured out my heart to her, I told her of y dreams and my loneliness and she comforted me and consoled me, she assured me that I was doing a good thing here and that the people, although hey did not yet know how to approach me they believed in me and what I was trying to do here. She trusted me and understood me even though just days before believed I to be responsible for her childhood loves death. For a moment I thought I was finally making a difference and that people were beginning to see me as Who I am not the Sidhe I am expected to be...
Then Tannana and her Devoted came to me and took away my favored handmaiden, whom I had raised as close to my own child as our culture would permit, the girl saved from death and I took into my home and at the age of 5. They told me that the only way I could save her was to give her up and send her from my house. Tannana Ripped the heart from my chest and after i gave her that which she requested of me through her devoted guardian she then informed me that I would still die...That an abomination was coming to kill me...ย
ย Why Tanana, would you kill me twice? You ask me to throw myself on the sword and when I do, you say its not enough.. How am I not to hate you for your cruelty?ย
Then but a few hours later, I again cast myself before a god, begging for forgiveness of my transgressions so that I may live and help save my people... But instead of mercy and forgiveness, advice and council I am judged harshly .. a millstone is tied to my neck and I am cast into the darkness to weep and suffer for months... with no gaurentee that any of my people will be saved by my sacrifice. no promise of one saved soul, no promise of one innocent life to be spared from the horrors that the adventures unleashed upon the world. Yes it was I to open the gate and send them in seeking knowledge for me and riches for themselves but they willingly have now brought out wraiths and mimics who promise to destroy all we hold dear.. foolish decisions on their part made only possible by my own foolishness.
But here we are now 2 weeks past the fateful day where I gave up everything, and I have received no kindness or warmth. the only news I received is that my most dedicated officer has been run of and the new surgeon has turned against me. My hunger has driven me to depravity beyond forgiveness, my loneliness has driven me to days of weeping and the deepest sorrow.ย
I now question if all whom I thought I trusted have either turned against me or completely forgotten me. I had hoped that a few or maybe even many would go to the devoted and give testimony of ย my character and beg for my atonement to be shortened... but no not a word was given, and i know this because surely if others game to my aid the Devoted and the great Zetโtalen would see kindness to give me mercy.ย
It appears I have been abandoned by all. left to suffer endlessly without death.ย
If I were to inflict this suffering on even the worst criminal, I would be viewed as a monster, harsh and brutal. Even Meo, who confessed to me treason and involvement in countless innocent lives lost, I gave a swift and clean end with honor. I did not make him suffer for even a moment and placed no embarrassment on him. SO if I am so evil how is it that I am more merciful that Zetโtalen? ย More Kind than the one who bears the world?ย
I do not speak as to commit blasphemy, but I question the logic, I question the balance... I threw myself at your feet begging for mercy, and you pulled out my eyes and tongue and cast me away like the contents of a bedpan. How am I to trust you, and not despise your name for this cruelty?..ย
IN my acceptance of this atonement you promised that others would come along to help me and surprise me with their kindness but there has been no one. I am glad for this as I wish no one to have to endure my hideous filth and disfigurement, but still this is a promise you made... a promise unfulfilled...
So how am I to trust your kindness towards the people? I am empty inside... there is nothing left to break, nothing left to crush... you Gods have taken everything from me... every last drop of me... now what will you build with the aching husk you have left here to rot? ย will you build a murderous sadistic psychopath? OR a Pacifist spineless broken shell of a Sidhe useless for anything but a servant even though I was once one who once could rally the people to a cause and lead army's into fierce battle. Are you good or evil Zetโtallen? Tell me because as it sits now your utter despise for me leads me to believe i know nothing of you
Speak to me Zetโtalen.... SPEAK TO ME! Tell me what to do next or just kill me because if I am without love and compassion I do not deserve to be set free on the world, and If I am doomed to live without being loved and deemed not worthy of compassion then it is not a life worth living... Guide my mind or rip off my head for to do any less is cruel and harsh.ย
-- Nameless leans back onto the dirt and trys to remember the look of Luna and hers stars, but images are erased from his mind. He trys to to remember the face of Eru but there is nothing but darkness... without a drop of hope left in his heart he faces the great black space of aether in silence until he drifts off to sleep.--
