#appleproblems

Problem 1: The Man With the Data Plan

My wife and I went on a cruise a few weeks ago. And like most Americans with 1st-world problems, we had to decide whether we wanted to 1) go a week without cell phone or internet access while we cruised across international waters…yeah, right, 2) buy an international data plan from AT&T, or 3) purchase access to our ship's Wi-Fi access. In the end, it looked like the Wi-Fi package would be the cheapest, so that's what we went with. My wife was careful to turn off all wireless data to all apps and services on her phone (I just kept my phone turned off all week. I would have thrown it in the ocean and never looked back if she'd have let me) as directed on the various FAQs she found, and she logged onto the ship's Wi-Fi without complication. Smooth sailing… or at least we thought so until we received our AT&T bill. Yup, you guessed it—$100 worth of charges for iMessages and calls.

Problem 2: Disposable Phones

My wife and I bought new iPhone 7s two years ago. It was a great time in our lives. I remember the occasion fondly because it was the same day that our sweet Avery (two years old at the time) dressed up in her yellow "Beauty" princess dress and took in her first movie theater experience with Mommy and Daddy. Well, fast-forward two years, and we just paid off those phones. And lo and behold, my wife updated her phone earlier this week and within 30 minutes…it stopped working. Not completely, just the microphone, which, contrary to this smart phone generation's beliefs, is kind of important. And there was "nothing" that could be done to fix it. Which meant, just when we were free from the clutches of our AT&T contract and iPhone debt, we were sucked back in. Sure, the wife would get her fancy new phone, but at what cost?

So off we went to the AT&T store. We spoke with our customer representative (Ayla, which is easy for me to remember because it's the name of a cavewoman character in my favorite video game of all time, but I digress…), and she was great. She upgraded our antiquated data plan, made sure we understood the new plan, showed us where things could be improved to fit our needs, let us know who to contact about the $100 charge on our AT&T bill, and put up with our two insane daughters while my wife got her new phone set up. All in all, it was a great experience, but it was one that should never have happened in the first place. Why? Because Apple is intentionally breaking their older iPhones (if two years is considered "old") so their customers will buy the newest model. If you're not aware of this practice (YES, it's real, and it's confirmed by Apple's corporate reps), read on. If you know about it, feel free to skip the next three paragraphs.

First, imagine a perfect product. Let's use a fish aquarium heater as an example. Its job is simple—heat water to a specific temperature so your tropical fishies don't freeze to death. A company could easily create a heater that would last for decades, but why in the world would they do that? Even if they charged double the price of typical heaters, they would still lose money because in those two decades' time, its customers would by three or four of those "disposable" heaters that crack or short out from routine use. So it just doesn't make financial sense for them to make a durable product when they could make one that works just long enough to keep the consumer coming back for more.

Now, take that principle to the tech world, and we have to look at things a little differently. For those of you old enough, you remember those first Nokia brick cellphones well. Why? Because they were indestructible, their batteries lasted forever, and they had service EVERYWHERE. They were perfect phones. Except, the most exciting game on them was Snake, and within a few years, the Blackberry (and all of it's thumb-injuring successors) had overshadowed the poor, reliable Nokia despite its inferior construction. In this way, the tech world kept consumers buying new products every year because the amazing technology advanced so rapidly. I mean, you'd be insane to use those boring old bricks that could only make calls and use T9 to text when there were newer phones out there that could take pictures and check electronic mail!

Then something happened. The technology started to stagnate. It kept improving, but not nearly as fast. All phones had cameras, internet access, and most importantly, apps. At that point, if a phone didn't break, it could be used forever while the user just downloaded whatever new apps that came out. Sure, the new apps would take up more space and demand stronger processors and whatnot, but a frugal user could make due for years and years. And that kind of return just didn't work for the tech companies. If they were ever going to be able to swim in a vault filled with gold coins a la Scrooge McDuck, they needed to find a way to keep selling new products that consumers had no real reason to buy. And so, they invented the "update." Oh yes, you NEED this update! It'll keep your phone safe. It'll keep it running smoothly with all those new apps. It'll keep it… updated. But we should mention that those updates will eventually fry your phone's "old" processor, forcing you to fork out a grand every couple of years.

I'm not going to pretend to be tech savvy enough to outline every reason for this (and that's not what this blog's about, anyway), but we've all been victims of the sudden battery death, random crashing, and in my wife's case, microphone failure that happens immediately after one of these "updates." And as I said, this practice is documented and admitted. For the big companies, it's essential to keep them afloat. Heaven forbid that they keep giving us actual reasons to buy new products. No, they've already perfected the smartphone, so instead of creating something new, they've found ways to keep selling us the same thing. It's brilliant, in an evil mastermind sort of way.

Okay, back to the story. My wife got her new phone. She was safe for the next couple of years (though it's just a matter of time before MY phone dies of update sickness…), so now it was time to take the fight to AT&T's retentions department and see about that $100 charge on our bill.

Round 1: I called 6-1-1 and I spoke with the level 1 boss, though I didn't catch her name… She told it to me, but I didn't catch it. She was polite the entire time. She explained how there were, in fact, charges on my bill and how those charges were because we'd used data and call services in international waters. I explained (politely) that we hadn't authorized these usages because we turned off all cellular data, etc. and only used Wi-Fi while out of the country, and that I didn't plan to pay these extra charges. 30 minutes later and she let me know that she was going to "send this case up," and I should get an email within 24 hours. "No," I said, again politely, "I think I'll just talk to someone now." Brief (ten minute) pause, then [insert name here] said, "One moment please."

Round 2: Level 2 boss's name was John, and his accent fit his name. He, just like Level 1 Boss, took a good while searching through the charges and getting back to me, but he also remained completely polite the entire time. He explained that the Wi-Fi packages on most cruise ships only cover international water usage, and our AT&T charges had come while we were docked in port in Haiti. Why? Because my wife's phone started using the Haitian towers (instead of the cruise line's Wi-Fi) without our approval. It made perfect sense whether it was true or not, but John went on to tell me that, while he may not be able to get ALL of the charges removed, he would do what he could because we were, "…long-time valued customers." His words, not mine. Five minutes later, John took me off of hold and told me that he obtained approval to take $75 off of the bill, so we would only have to pay $25. Truth be told, I had no intention of paying ANY of that bill, but my interaction with John was so pleasant (I didn't have to ask him to reduce the bill. I didn't have to bring up the fact that we were valued customers, or that we could take our business across the street to Crickett Wireless. He knew all of these things, and he that knew I knew them. And he got the job done, or close to it) that he'd gained my respect. I wasn't going to fight John over the remaining $25, even if it did take over an hour to get that $75 knocked off. Game over. Roll credits.

So here's the thing—I'm a huge skeptic. With everyone I worked with throughout this debacle, I know that there's a possibility that they were all just working off of a script. That they did exactly as they'd been trained, performing damage control and getting every cent possible out of a tough customer like me. After everything, it's possible that AT&T and Apple still won. But at least they played the game. At least these REAL people listened to me and answered my questions, and in the end, the interactions were extremely pleasant. Yes, I get that I'm a number to the companies, but I was a person to their employees. And they treated me with respect. And I did the same with them.

My title poses the question of who's more evil between AT&T and Apple. Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that question, but in THIS case, as much as it hurts me to say it, the bigger evildoer is definitely Apple. Why? Well, in AT&T's case, their charges were legitimate. My wife incurred roaming charges in Haiti because of the cruise line's failure to explain how their services worked. And even if John straight up lied to me about that, his company still only wound up stealing $25 (and one hour) from me. Apple on the other hand… they're openly breaking their own phones so their loyal customers have to buy new ones. And those new phones cost a whole lot more than $25. Yes, our experience in the AT&T store was pleasant while buying that new Apple iPhone (thanks to Ayla), but it should have never come to that.

In the end, we're victims of our circumstances. We're brainwashed by brilliant marketing. We're forced into competition with our neighbors. And there's only one thing I can say as I finish up typing this scathing report on my Apple MacBook Air—Joke's on you, Satan, er, Apple. Money's not real. No one really owns anything anymore. There's no privacy. No Freedom. The only things we have are our experiences, our interactions, and our attitudes. And as the days get longer and the grass gets greener, I can't help hoping Y2K is just running fashionably late (all you millennials should Google Y2K along with The Matrix and Surge soda. There's so much you've missed…). In the meantime, I'm going to go cut my grass with a lawnmower that's older than every piece of technology I own, and believe it or not, it's never had a single update. What a world.