⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who falls asleep listening to your heartbeat with her nose nuzzled in the crook of your neck syncing her breathing with yours ᰔ ⊹˚₊

⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who wears your hoodies because they "smell like you" and "feel warmer" even tho you know that's not the real reason, you let her. because you know that you bring her comfort, your scent, your presence and your warmth is enough for her to feel loved ᰔ ⊹˚₊

⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who whispers a little "i love you" right before falling asleep while you brush your fingers through her hair ᰔ ⊹˚₊

⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who helps you take care of your hair whenever you're too tired, fingers gently massaging shampoo onto your scalp while you lean back against her chest dozing off to sleep while she takes care of you ᰔ ⊹˚₊

⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who studies your facial expressions, falling more and more in love with every little smile you show or every time you roll your eyes because of her playtul teasing ᰔ ⊹˚₊

⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who tucks you in your blanket when you're too sleepy to move, laying behind you pulling you close to her body so you can peacefully fall asleep feeling protected and adored ᰔ ⊹˚₊

⋆˙⟡ miko is the type of girlfriend who wakes up before you every sunday to make your favorite pancakes and bring them to bed to wake you up with a smile ᰔ ⊹˚₊

that friendship blossomed into playdates, hangouts, sleepovers, even begging your parents to switch teams to play alongside vicky rather than against her. you grew up together, matured together, became each other's most trusted person in the entire world. vicky was the first person to know about your first kiss, your first time, even your attraction to women. you were the first person she came out to, the only one to console her and give her a place to stay when her parents didn't exactly react the way she expected, the only person who tolerated her first girlfriend.

vicky was one of the only people you could say you genuinely loved. she was sweet, kind, and always made you laugh. she knew you better than you knew yourself. it was as if she could read your mind with just a look, always two steps ahead. at that time it seemed like a fully platonic type of love, a bond so close she almost seemed like family. growing up you both always planned to be each other's bridesmaids, but as an adult you slowly started to envision her as the bride. these feelings repulsed you at first, made you feel guilty, but with relationships coming and going you found yourself comparing all of your partners to vicky. no one was as witty as her, as attentive as her, and frankly nowhere near as attractive as her. she grew out of her awkward insecure self and into a bright confident young woman and that drove your mind insane. but you pushed those feelings aside, feeling confident that she would never feel the same.

as touchy as she was with her friends, with you it always felt friendly, nothing more nothing less. her care seemed nothing more than a close friend would do. she knew your family, your siblings treated her like another one of them, you shared beds but it was just like you did as children, and nights out were like any other girls' nights. dancing got a bit up close and personal but that was just the culture you had both grown up in.

that all went out the window when you both were 19 and roommates in college. vicky had just gone through a pretty bad breakup and you had been laying in her bed hearing her out as you always did. she cried, frustratedly ranted, mumbled under her breath about the whole ordeal for hours. you pet her hair and whispered gentle praises, hoping it would help make her feel better. she fell asleep holding on to you, making it impossible to move, so you laid there and watched how peaceful she looked while sleeping. those feelings of yours bubbling up inside with every deep inhale she took. eventually, her eyes fluttered open, making direct eye contact and startling you, as the proximity between your faces was closer than you had realized. "shh it's okay, go back to sleep." you whispered softly as your fingers mindlessly massaged her scalp. without a word she leaned in and pressed a kiss against your lips, soft and lingering for a moment before pulling back. you remember the kiss well as it changed the course of your friendship forever. it caused you to freeze, your whole body stiffening, unsure of what to do. her lips were pillowy, smooth and velvety. it made your mind run wild with possibilities.

"fuck, y/n i'm sorry. i think i'm just—" you remembered how she tried to explain herself, but you didn't care. instead you grabbed her face and pulled her back to your lips to give her a proper kiss. and in that moment, time seemed to stop. her delicate lips captured yours perfectly, kissing you passionately and full of so many unsaid words. you both felt magnetized to each other, pulling away for air one moment and dipping back in for more desperately in the next. the anxiety of possibly ruining your friendship not even crossing your mind. instead she rolled you both over, laying you on your back without breaking the intense needy kiss. that night got a bit blurry in your memory, you remember her hand finding its way into your shorts. you didn't stop her. in fact you remember moaning in encouragement of her touches only to later return the favor.

the next morning you both acted as if the night before hadn't happened, which was a waste considering the following night ended with you both making out and having sex again. that whole semester you both spent going back and forth from each other's room, blurring the line between friendship and something else. those six months felt like a look into the future, into what a romantic relationship with vicky could have possibly looked like. dancing in the kitchen in nothing but your underwear together, warm baths, going out for quiet dinners, late night movies, but after a while vicky pulled away a bit. she no longer wanted to go out without others, wore more clothes around the house, began sitting farther away on the couch. little by little all romantic aspects of your six-month-long situationship came to an end. and the realization hit you hard. you had allowed yourself to be vulnerable in a way vicky had never seen before and it angered you that it was all just swept aside without reasoning or conversation.

about a month later she came home with a girl she wanted you to meet. another pretty model-looking girl with long dark hair, her usual type. and you just put on a friendly smile as you watched that girl take your place. you often questioned why you had allowed this to happen. why you sat back and let vicky do what she wanted with you just to leave you high and dry. it was shitty, you knew it was. no person who claimed to love you would ever do that. you always stood firm on self-respect, but could never stand on it when it was about vicky. maybe it was your feelings, maybe it was the years of friendship. whatever it was, you had let it pass, hoping you could forget about that time together. a few months later that girl she brought home was interchanged for another, and that was how the rest of your friendship moved. those six months never to be spoken about until vicky seemed to hit rock bottom.

at 24, you both had a three-month fling before leaving that shared apartment. at 26, there was another six months of romance before she eventually found a girl she told you she'd marry someday. it stung deep, as if someone had been pouring alcohol on wounds that continued to open. but, you never brought it up, scared that vicky would end your friendship for making things 'weird' for 'catching feelings.' you felt a bit pathetic looking back at those memories, especially from so long ago. in the back of your mind secretly knowing vicky hardly thought about those moments. it was nothing more than passing time, knowing she wasn't someone who enjoyed being alone. it was stupid of you to hold on to those feelings, at least that's what your brain continued to say.

keshla was tall, with long dark hair, big round brown eyes, fair freckled skin, and a very outgoing personality. it wasn't hard to see why vicky had allowed herself to be so taken with her. she had the look of a disney princess and supermodel combined. when you first met her, vicky had set up a small dinner with a few friends to introduce the girl she had been raving about for months. at that point, you had been a bit sick of hearing about her but— you still plastered a polite smile on your face. you sat still, your back unnaturally straightened as you waited to meet this dream girl. it wasn't long until she had graced the room with her presence. she intimidated you, made you feel little and less than just with a look. her smile seemed shallow, no real warmth behind it, and to your luck she chose to sit in front of you.

"so you're y/n right? victoria's friend?" she asked, her tone flat as if faking innocence. you nodded and took a sip of your drink attempting to stop your lips from perking up at her referring to "vicky" as victoria. you knew how much your friend hated being called "victoria" as it was the name her mother would use to scold her when she was younger. "yeah it's nice to meet you. i've heard so much about you." you finally replied.

mariana and mauro sat to your left, watching the interaction unfold; only mari knowing about the romantic moments you once had with vicky. "is this your girlfriend?" keshla asked, referring to both you and mariana, to which you both chuckled and clarified you both were only friends. an answer you weren't exactly sure she liked by the face she made after. throughout the night, vicky was visibly nervous about the whole thing; which was understandable in your eyes. she saw stars for this girl, and in your heart, even if it hurt, you wanted to make an effort to be friendly.

conversations came and went, however something was very profoundly off. you were sure the waitress felt the heavy tension at the table every time she came to tend to them. regardless of what they would talk about, keshla tried hard to relate it back to herself, causing mauro to roll his eyes after the first few times. you noticed how she'd redirect vicky's attention whenever she laughed at something you said by touching her arm, leaning in to whisper something, or physically inserting herself. with each touch she gave vicky, you felt a pang in your chest. the constant reminder of your friend choosing someone else, it made you uncomfortable. so uncomfortable, you hardly spoke throughout the dinner and anytime you did, it was because you were spoken to. you weren't sure if keshla was a blunt person or someone who enjoyed belittling others but, with the way she'd look at you and ask such pointed questions it felt as if she was trying to make herself look better than everyone at the table. she asked about how you and vicky met, your friendship outside of soccer, what being roommates was like. each question made you want to sink into your chair, your heart raced not sure what exactly to say or how to say it. luckily vicky, who had already been tipsy from the wine you all had been drinking, saved your ass each and every time by swooping in to answer. you knew she saw no real malice in the questions, especially while tipsy.

at some point in the night you decided to go to the bathroom. you sighed looking into the mirror, unsure if it was the wine making you feel things more intensely or if it was the situation at hand. but, the conversation left your heart racing and your body sweating. you felt interrogated. as if keshla knew there was something going on between the two of you at some point. it wasn't fair, whatever you and vicky did before she came into the picture had nothing to do with her, at least in your opinion. maybe she had sensed your residual feelings for vicky. the thought of your feelings being obvious made you want to hunch over and cry in frustration. if everyone around her noticed the way you looked at her, the way you spoke to her, and melted at her touch but her— was any of this heartache even worth it?

ripping you out of your spiral, you heard the door open and close behind you. your brain slightly sick with itself as it helped your nose recognize vicky's cologne. your head raised a bit which allowed you to make eye contact with the other woman through the mirror. "so…. ¿qué opinas de keshla?" (* so, what do you think about keshla? *) vicky spoke softly, allowing her body to lean against one of the tiled walls. it was a question you truly didn't want to answer. she knew you too well and would know you'd be lying. part of you hoped she was so blinded by her infatuation with her that she wouldn't think much about your lie.

"i mean she's okay." you responded, finally turning around with your arms wrapped around your middle anxiously. vicky made a face, one you recognized very well. she wasn't pleased with your answer. "just okay?" she questioned, before speaking again. "i planned this whole thing so you guys could give me your honest opinion about her, so please."

you huffed a sigh out and looked around the bathroom, hoping no one would enter in that moment. "she's a pretty girl, smart, but i don't know. maybe a bit rude at times?" it was uncomfortable, the tension in the room. you were stuck between wanting to be there for your friend and wanting to be honest. "i don't know… she's just—"

"mano, tú siempre les encuentras algo malo a las personas." (* man, you always find something wrong with people* ) she cut you off. it was unexpected, her sudden anger and annoyance. she asked, you simply answered. "tú sabes que eso no es así, vicky. me pediste la verdad, y la verdad te di. ¡la tipa es una bicha!" ( *you know that's not true, vicky. you asked me for the truth so i gave it to you. that girl's a bitch. *) you responded back, fire starting to light behind your words. it wasn't completely rare for the two of you to get into an argument, with a friendship so long it was bound to happen a couple times in between. but this time was different. vicky would always refuse to fight back. she'd listen and take time for herself before coming back and having a conversation but this time, she was coming at you guns blazing. "¿una bicha? did you really just say that? calling another woman a bitch is low y/n."

"en verdad yo no voy a hablar de esto contigo, maría victoria. tú sales con quien te salga de los cojones. qué me importa a mí." (* in all honesty, i'm not going to talk about this with you, maria victoria. date whoever the fuck you want. it's not my business.*) you shot back, before walking towards the door only for her to stop you. her hand clasping your wrist sent what felt like shockwaves through your body. you met her eyes. you could tell behind the serene cool blue was red rage threatening to escape. her grip didn't loosen, if anything it tightened just enough to keep you stuck in place. "tú no te vas a ir así." ( *you're not going to leave like this *) her voice had dropped, the anger still there but something else threading through. something a bit more dangerous than rage.

"vicky—"

"what's the issue with her." it wasn't a question. it was a door being slammed open. it made you shake your head quickly and coil into yourself slightly, ripping your hand from her grasp. "i don't hate your girlfriend vic."

"then what is it?" she stepped closer. you hated how your body registered every inch she closed between you. the same cologne you recognized from across the bathroom now felt suffocating. "porque cada vez que ella dice algo, tú pones cara." (* because every time she says something, you make a face. *)

"i don't do anything with my face. i've been trying so hard to be nice to that girl."

"y/n." the way she said your name made your stomach drop. her voice was soft but firm, like she already knew how you felt and was going to give you one last chance to lie your way out. you looked at the wall beside her head. the grout between the tiles. anywhere but those eyes that seemed to read you like a book. "she's just not what i expected. you deserve someone else, someone better." you finally said, quiet and stripped down. "that's all it is. i guess."

"that's all it is?" she repeated slowly, like she was still thinking it through, unsure if that's what she wanted to believe. you only nodded in response. you watched her cross her arms, head tilting to the side, the same way she did when she had been thinking too hard about something. "you know what your problem is?" her voice was quieter, the fire banked down to something with a smaller flame. "you're always deciding what's good for me and never stop to think why the fuck you care so damn much."

the air seemed to have left the room and your lungs as vicky's statement made you feel like it was hard to breathe. "don't." you said one word weakly.

"yo no dije nada." (* i didn't say anything *) she held her hands up, a gesture of innocence that didn't match the look in her eyes.

"vicky—"

"no estoy diciendo nada." (* i'm not saying anything *) she reiterated, softer this time. but she didn't have to. the both of you knew it. what was left unsaid was right there splayed out for you both to grasp on, you were just scared to get near it. "fuck you." you huffed, before walking out of the bathroom and grabbing your things from the table. at that point, you had canceled out the noise from anyone else. the murmurs from whom you assumed were mariana and mauro got louder but, you never raised your gaze to grasp what they had been saying. almost as if unbothered, you grabbed your belongings and left the restaurant.

you were unsure of how the rest of the night carried on. if everyone had just got up and left right after you, if they stayed to talk about your dramatic exit, but you really didn't care. mariana sent you a few texts to check if you were alright but, you couldn't bring yourself to answer. it was weird, you felt a bit numb but also emotionally drained at the same time. at your house, you lay on your couch in remnants of the outfit you wore to dinner. the tv was on but you weren't paying much attention to what had been playing, you were just hoping you'd fall asleep eventually. closing your eyes and laying your head back to attempt to relax, but the conversation in the bathroom continued ringing in your ear.

your front door unlocked, causing you to sigh. only two people had the key to your apartment, your parents and vicky. for the first time in your life you hoped it was your parents. you heard footsteps, a bag being placed on a surface which you assumed was your kitchen counter along with some keys. you stayed still. your parents would have called out for you by now, made their presence known. the couch dipped close to where your feet had been, a hand grabbing your ankle gently and placing your legs on their lap. your breath hitched. your eyes closed tighter, hoping that if she thought you were asleep she'd just go. leave you alone.

"i know you're awake y/n, you can never sleep with the tv on." her voice clear and crisp spoke, causing your eyes to flutter open and look at your friend, who despite your argument from earlier was sitting caressing your calves. "¿quieres seguir peleando?" (* do you want to keep fighting? *) you asked, your voice soft. she only shook her head in response. you could tell she was thinking about what to say.

"me hablaste super feo…" (* the way you spoke to me was ugly/rude. *) she spoke, looking down at the ground. her voice wasn't as strong or confident this time, it seemed as if her walls had come crashing down.

"me encabronaste bien brutal, pero whatever, perdón." (* you pissed me off, but whatever, i'm sorry. *)

"no me tienes que pedir perdón, yo también te saqué la mala so… we're even." (* you don't have to apologize, i also said things to upset you, so we're even. ) she responded, her hands gently pressing into your calves. you both sat in silence for a while, tension brewing between the minutes passing. you figured you both had been trying to find the right words to say. "no odio a tu jeva, by the way." (* i don't hate your girlfriend, by the way *) you finally spoke, breaking a bit of that tension and actually making vicky chuckle a little bit. "maybe i'm just jealous, or i don't know."

she made a face before tilting her head over to look at you, the same face she made when someone said a bad joke or something somewhat dumb. "you have nothing to be jealous about." vicky corrected firmly. which only made you scoff followed by a laugh.

"mm maybe, pero la tipa me odia. full." (* maybe, but she hates me, noticeably. *) you responded, your eyes catching vicky's before looking away. you couldn't read vicky's expression. for the first time ever you weren't sure if you were both on the same page. it took her a few moments to respond which drove anxious waves through you.

"¿tú crees?" (* you think so? *) she finally spoke, her voice not showing much emotion. you gave her a quick look before nodding. "she seems very interested in our history.. as if she knew we've… y'know—"

"she knows."

"wait what?"

vicky finally turned to look at you and sighed before repeating. "she knows because i told her. i thought it was important she knew because you mean a lot to me and i didn't want any weird misunderstandings. besides, we are both clear on where we stand in our friendship."

the ending statement made your stomach churn. the room going eerily silent. it only took vicky a couple minutes before catching onto your silence. "right?" she asked, hoping to be reassured but receiving nothing in return. the answer was loud and clear on your part and you hardly had to say a word. "no… y/n." she spoke, her voice soft, slightly disappointed and shaky.

"i thought you knew." you spoke, your voice flat and dry.

"ni idea." (* i had no idea *)

you furrowed your brows and moved your legs from her lap, fully sitting up to look at her. "chica, el comentario que te tiraste en el baño sonó como si supieras." (* girl, the comment you made in the bathroom sounded like you knew something. *)

vicky looked confused, turning her whole body on the couch to face you, sitting criss-cross on the cushion. "¿cuál?" (* which one? *)

you sighed. "you said something about caring too much about you— or reflecting on why i care so much?"

vicky stared at you for a long moment, something shifting behind her eyes that you couldn't quite name. the silence stretched long enough to be uncomfortable, long enough that you almost wanted to take it back. stuff it somewhere neither of you could reach. "¿desde cuándo?" (* since when? *) she finally asked. not exactly a question, but more as if she had been trying to locate something in her memory she didn't know she had. you laughed once, short and humorless, unsure of what to say.

"no, en serio. ¿desde cuándo?" (* no, seriously. since when? *) her voice was quiet. not angry, not even surprised anymore. just… careful, like she had been handling something she was afraid to drop. you looked at the television that had been playing some late night show where the audience had been laughing at something you hadn't caught. it eerily contrasted the situation playing out. "does it really matter?" you asked, your voice slightly pained.

"a mí me importa." (* it matters to me. *)

you pulled your knees up to your chest, making yourself smaller on your end of the couch. "a while." you admitted. "i don't know. it kind of just… settled in since that first night we kissed years ago and i never did anything about it because i always felt like nothing completely serious would ever happen."

vicky didn't say anything to that. you could feel her looking at you though, the weight of it familiar and yet still unbearable. you were worried she'd storm out. become so unnervingly disgusted with you that she'd leave altogether. but instead she just straightened up a bit and spoke. "y nunca me dijiste nada." (* and you never said anything to me *)

"what was i supposed to say?" you turned to look at her then and almost immediately regretted it. she looked tired, in the way people look when something they thought they understood turns out to be completely different than what they believed. "you were always with someone. i was always fine. it was fine. a stupid crush thing."

"but you weren't."

you took a few moments to respond but, finally allowed yourself to uncomfortably agree with her. "no, not always." another beat of silence entered the room. this one felt different though, less like a wall more like water settling after a storm. "voy a tener que hablar con keshla." (* i have to talk to keshla *) she said finally, almost to herself. her eyes dropping from your gaze down to her lap.

"no hagas una cabronería por mi parte." (* don't do anything stupid on my behalf. *)

she shook her head. "it's not that— i just… it's complicated." she exhaled through her nose and shook her head like she was getting frustrated with herself.

"no me tienes que explicar ahora, en verdad no es mi lugar de todas formas." (* you don't have to explain that to me right now, in all honesty it's not my business anyway. *)

she looked up. "i think i should though."

"vicky." your voice came out softer than you intended. "go home. it's late. and we're both extremely tired and said a lot tonight."

she held your gaze for a minute too long before nodding slowly, unfolding herself from the couch. you walked her to the door, the way you always did, the way that had always felt like nothing and tonight felt like everything mixed together. she paused in the doorway, one hand on the frame and looked back at you. "y/n."

she held your gaze for a while, her eyes concealing what looked like an internal argument with herself. she smiled softly. "goodnight." she spoke sweetly. nothing else. leaving the tension of unresolved feelings out in the open for you both to linger on.

you both went without speaking for days, which later turned into weeks. it worried you. you had never gone days without speaking to vicky so to wait weeks for some sign of life was a bit nerve-wracking for you. in all honesty, part of you thought she might have taken the opportunity to end your friendship after that awkward dinner, confrontation, and confession all in the same day. you wouldn't have blamed her if she actually did.

about a month after your confession, vicky had finally sent you a text. you didn't dare send one first, so it was a relief to see her notification on your phone screen. it was a rather simple message, something along the lines of 'i miss you, we should go get coffee at our favorite place.' the lack of depth to it felt a bit cold, like a slap to the face. surely, that could not have been all she had to say. hopefully this was an open invitation to have a meaningful conversation after a month of what seemed like avoiding each other. you agreed, setting a concrete time and date. it wasn't long until you both had been awkwardly sitting across from each other, finding the right words to say.

"y/n."

"vicky—" you both spoke at the same time, breaking the uncomfortable silence between the two of you. it caused your cheeks to blush before nodding over at the woman before you, signaling for her to go first. "sorry, go on."

"no no, you go ahead." she insisted, making you shift in your seat. you weren't sure of what exactly you wanted to say, but the silence had been killing you. vicky looked good, she had her hair cut short and a beanie on, with a matching black hoodie. her slightly tanned glow let you know she had spent some time at the beach. which made you feel warm inside knowing she had taken the time to do something she enjoyed in the month away from you. "i think we should forget about that night vic, you seem happy with keshla and i don't—"

vicky cut you off. "i broke up with her."

your body stiffened, unsure of how to react to that statement. the tone in your friend's voice had been unreadable and so had her facial expression. "ay, no sabía… espero que estés bien." (* oh, i didn't know… i hope you're well. ) you mumbled out, playing with your sleeve. vicky shook her head and attempted to catch your eye line with hers. "pensé en lo que dijiste. y te quiero pedir perdón, y/n." ( i thought about what you said, and i'd like to apologize, y/n. *)

you opened your mouth to speak but she shook her head. "soy una mala amiga, hasta mari me lo dijo. y me siento súper mal por eso. eres una de las personas más importantes en mi vida, y te piché por una fucking jeva, cabrón." (* i'm a bad friend, even mari spoke to me about it and i feel super bad about it. you're one of the most important people in my life and i ignored your feelings over a girl, bro. *) her voice sounded raw, hurt, and angry with herself. as if she could not believe what she had done.

"vic, it's okay. i'm not upset anymore." you sighed, reaching a hand over the table and touching her arm gently. it felt a bit awkward having the conversation in public, but the buzz of everyone else having their own conversations took some intensity out of the moment. "it's not just about the keshla thing…" she admitted.

"¡te usé, cabrón, y tú me dejaste hacerlo!" (* i used you, bro, and you let me do it! ) she spoke, her voice getting a bit more aggravated than before, which was more towards herself than anyone else. "y ahora es que me doy cuenta de que es porque sientes algo por mí… con razón dejaste que te hiciera mil pendejadas. me podías poner el pare, y/n. eso es una falta de respeto, y yo nunca me di cuenta. soy pésima amiga. pésima." ( and now i realize that you allowed it because you have feelings for me… no wonder you allowed me to do so many stupid things. you should have stopped me, y/n. i didn't respect you and i didn't even notice. i'm truly a terrible friend. terrible. *)

you took a moment before responding, exhaling slowly through your nose. "vic." your voice came out calm, more collected than you actually felt inside. "tienes razón. i should've said something sooner." (* you're right. ) you admitted, watching her eyes find yours across the table. "pero tú también me debiste haber tratado con más cuidado." ( *but you also should have treated me with more care. *)

vicky's jaw tightened slightly, not out of defensiveness but out of the kind of guilt that settles deep. she nodded slowly, looking down at her coffee cup. "lo sé." (* i know.* ) her voice barely above a whisper. the noise of the café filled the space between you for a moment. someone laughing too loud at another table, the sound of the espresso machine running, the low hum of whatever playlist the place had on. all of it feeling strangely distant. then vicky got quiet, the kind of quiet that was different from the uncomfortable silence you'd both been sitting in when you first arrived. this one felt more like she was gathering something. her tattooed finger traced the rim of her cup absently. "ese mes…" ( *that month. *) she started, then stopped and tried again. "i kept picking up my phone to text you. like every other day. and then i'd just… put it down."

you didn't say anything. you weren't sure you could.

"hasta evité venir aquí." (* i even avoided coming here. *) she gestured vaguely around the café. "the whole month. which is crazy because you know i come here like twice a week." a humorless breath left her, almost a laugh but not quite. "and i couldn't figure out why at first… but maybe it's because i feel like it's yours in a way?" vicky shifted in her seat a bit as she explained something she thought made no sense, hoping to clarify. "it's close to your apartment, you first brought me here, i know you come to study here…"

your chest ached at that, quiet and deep.

"y esa noche en tu apartamento," (* and that night at your apartment, ) her eyes finally lifted to meet yours and something behind them was open in a way you weren't used to seeing on her. "i had this whole thing i was going to say. y se me fue todo cuando te miré." (* and it all left me when i looked at you. *)

"vicky—"

"i-i don't know what i feel." she cut in before you could say another word. her voice honest and frustrated with itself. "like i genuinely do not know how to name it. but that month felt so wrong and i know that when keshla asked me if there was something going on between us and i said no i was—" she paused, pressing her lips together in deep thought. "diablo, que le estaba mintiendo y yo no quería pensar en eso." (* fuck, that i was lying to her and i didn't want to think about it. *)

the table between you both suddenly felt very small. you laughed once, short and a little overwhelmed, looking down at your hands. "¿qué tú quieres que yo haga con eso?" (* what do you want me to do with that*? ) your voice came out soft. not angry. just real. she looked at you for a long moment. "no sé todavía." ( *i don't know yet. *) and the honesty of it, the fact that she wasn't dressing it up or giving you something easier to swallow, made it somehow worse and better at the same time.

you nodded slowly. "okay."

"okay?"

"okay." you repeated, meeting her gaze. "no me voy pa' ningún lado. necesitas más tiempo para pensar en lo que quieres, y eso lo respeto. no me voy a ofender si no es conmigo. you're everything to me and always will be, eso no cambia." (* i'm not going anywhere. you need more time to figure out what you want and i respect that. i won't be offended if what you decide isn't with me. you're everything to me and always will be, that won't change. *) something in her expression shifted at that. subtle, but you caught it. her shoulders dropping just slightly, like she had been bracing herself for something that didn't come.

you both lingered over your cups longer than necessary, letting the conversation settle into something softer. by the time you finally stepped outside the afternoon had shifted, the light hitting the street at that golden late hour that made everything look and feel a little warmer than it was. vicky fell into step beside you naturally, the way she always did.

halfway down the block her shoulder bumped into yours. gently. deliberately. the way she had done a hundred times before and somehow this time you felt it coursing through your body. you didn't say anything about it though. neither did she. but you were both smiling, just barely, when you went your separate ways.

a few months passed. time really seemed to have been flying under your nose ever since you and vicky had left everything out in the open with each other. you continued to see each other but it wasn't exactly the same as before. there was a slight tension there. a 'will they won't they' type of game playing around you both any time you spent time together. vicky started to text first more often, check in more, and actually plan hangouts. part of you saw it as her trying to be more present in your friendship, making more of an effort, and if that was all that came out of that coffee shop conversation you were happy.

however, as time passed, hangouts came and went. you noticed vicky's eyes lingering on you a bit longer than normal, her touches becoming more frequent, and a slight possessiveness whenever you'd go out. there was a shift going on and it was nothing like those times you would have your short-lived rendezvous. this was gentle, sweet, careful. the fear of losing vicky slowly subsided as she made it clear you were stuck with her.

that was how you ended up in a crowded club on a thursday night, dancing with your back flush against her chest and hips moving to the beat of the music. to mariana and mauro, this was a normal sight, the two of you grinding up against each other, feeling the vibration of the music within you and being slightly more up close and personal with the help of hard liquor.

mariana had been the one to suggest the club, claiming she needed a real night out after a long week. mauro agreed almost too quickly which told you they had already planned it between themselves. not that you minded. a thursday night out was exactly the kind of mindless fun you hadn't realized you needed after all of this. the four of you had been there for a while, the drinks doing their job and the music loud enough that conversation required leaning in close to whoever had been speaking. mari and mauro had drifted slightly, the two of them finding people to dance with as they tended to do after a couple of drinks. which left you and vicky together as usual. it was a good night, genuinely. you weren't in your head for once, not reading into situations or bracing yourself for something. you were just there, moving to the music and laughing when vicky would whisper something into your ear over the noise. it made you feel present in a way that was easy and unfamiliar at the same time.

then the song changed.

it wasn't a dramatic shift, just a change in tempo. something heavier, a bit slower in the way club music gets when it wants to pull people closer. you were going to leave the dance floor when you felt vicky's hands adjust at your hips, more settled, more deliberate. your back was still against her chest and you kept moving but something in the air had changed slightly and you weren't sure if it was the song or you finally paying attention to her.

her thumb traced a small absent pattern against your hip bone through the fabric of your top. you weren't even sure she had noticed she was doing it. but you did. the heat of the room suddenly felt more concentrated, the bass of the music vibrating low through your chest, vicky's breath warm near your ear when she leaned in to say something you half caught over the music. you laughed anyway, tilting your head back slightly towards her.

then she turned you.

it wasn't forceful, just a gentle pressure at your waist that shifted you around until you were facing her. you stiffened at first but relaxed when you remembered who you had been dancing with. the relaxation didn't last long, as when you looked up at the expression on her face you felt your stomach drop quietly. she wasn't smiling the way she had been a few moments ago. she was just looking at you. the kind of looking that had been happening more and more over the past few months, the kind that lasted a beat too long and always made you glance away first.

but this time you didn't.

the crowd moved around you both, bodies and noise and the pulse of the music filling every corner of the room. mari and mauro had to have been somewhere behind you, completely unbothered and focused on their dance partners. nobody had been watching, at least that's what it felt like in the moment. the club had that strange quality of being completely private in the middle of everything, each person too absorbed in their own moment to notice anything else going on around them. vicky's hand came up slowly, fingers brushing a strand of hair from your face and tucking it back carefully. the gesture was so soft it almost didn't belong in a place like that one. your breath caught somewhere in your chest and you stayed very still, not wanting to break or ruin whatever had been happening.

she leaned in slowly. slow enough that you saw it coming. slow enough that you had every opportunity to turn your head or laugh it off or make it into nothing the way you both had been so good at for so long. but you didn't move. her lips met yours gently, almost careful, like she had been thinking about how to do this for a while and wanted to get it exactly right. the music thumped around you and the room stayed loud and crowded and completely indifferent and somehow it was the most quiet you had felt in months. you kissed her back without thinking, your hand finding the front of her cropped t-shirt and holding on slightly. it only lasted a few seconds before she pulled back, just enough.

she stayed close, her forehead leaning against yours. her eyes finding yours in the low light of the room. "creo que ya sé lo que siento." (* i think i finally know what i feel *) she said it quietly, just for you, underneath all that noise. her voice steady in a way that told you she had been carrying the thought for a while. you laughed softly, looking down for just a moment before meeting her eyes again. "took you long enough." you said, your voice warm instead.

the corner of her mouth lifted. "lo sé." (* i know. *)

she found your hand and laced her fingers through yours, unhurried, like there was nowhere else either of you needed to be. the music shifted again and the crowd moved along to the beat. but for a moment, it was just that. the two of you finally on the same page in the middle of a thursday night that nobody would have ever thought to mark on a calendar. no grand occasion. no perfect setting.

just vicky. just you.