all my life, i only ever learned to beg. i begged my dad to be dad and stay. i begged boys to love me, to see the value in me, to stay. i begged over and over until i didnāt even know what i was asking for anymore, just that i couldnāt stand the sound of the door closing.
i begged with everything in me. gave everything i had to offer. broke down crying in the middle of sentences, gasping between pleaseās. i spammed apologies for every little thing, even for the things i didnāt do, even for existing in a way they didnāt like. just please stay.
i offered to change myself, to cut out the parts of me they couldnāt stand. to be softer, quieter, easier to love. i swore i could fix it, fix me, fix whatever it was that made them want to leave. i apologized until the word became a kind of begging all on its own.
and still, i kept going. because if they stayed, even for a little while longer, maybe it meant i was worth something. maybe it meant i wasnāt as easy to throw away as i thought. the begging started with my father, and now i beg everyone who ever meant something to me to stay.
i begged my ex not to leave me. told him he could do whatever he wanted, he didnāt have to love me anymore, he could cheat on me, i didnāt care, just please donāt leave. even after we split years ago, i still find myself begging. not for him anymore, but for others. for boys i thought were my person, until they werenāt.
and every time, itās the same. tears in my eyes, my chest tight, and in my head iām back to being a little kid asking my dad why he couldnāt stay for me. why he couldnāt love me like he loved his other kids. why i wasnāt enough to keep.
i begged. i cried. i gave away pieces i will never get back. and in the end, it was for nothing. i lost them, and somewhere along the way, i lost my dignity, my self-respect, and maybe the version of me that believed i could be loved without having to ask for it over and over again.
