okay, sorry if this might not be #relatablecontent for some of my personality disorder divas BUT there is something that's been confusing me about how people view me and idk if it's in any way BPD-related (yes, I am diagnosed)
when I am in social situations, I feel like I am being awkward and I make people uncomfortable with trying to be funny or teasing people, I fear people perceiving me as rude. in school I was always made fun of for being sort of the ugly nerd loser who girls didn't like (jokes on them I am gay, lmao)
when doing public speaking and working with big groups (I am a teacher), I feel stressed out and get performance anxiety, expecting to fuck something up and embarrass myself, I am self-conscious about the way I look, what my hair is doing, is there something on my face??? I can feel my voice shaking, I can feel my thoughts turning into a big giant mess — the whole thing
BUT, I have REPEATEDLY been told that I should perform on stage more, that I am charismatic, that I am "the good-looking one" of the group, that my students are lucky to have me, because they say I explain everything the way they prefer, my students ask if they'll have my classes next semester and cheer when they do, when I play DnD people say they expect me to always be the charismatic hot person
AND I KEEP THINKING WHO IS THIS PERSON THAT EVERYONE IS SEEING? genuinely I feel like they are not talking about me, because that's not how I feel in any of those social situations, I am in a constant fight or flight and then I beat myself up for being awkward. how can other people's perception of me be so opposite but... in a positive way??? is this a thing? is that part of the personality disorder??
