#aniety

Detesto esos momentos dónde por un rato olvido todo esto pero de golpe vuelvo a la realidad para entender que todo sigue igual o peor y no sé cómo enfrentarme a las cosas.

Antes sentía rabia, desesperanza, incluso agobio al despertar cada día, porque deseaba no hacerlo. Pero ahora me da miedo, pavor despertarme, porque no se cómo seguir, no se cómo seguir enfrentando mi realidad, no me siento capaz.

Creía que ya estaba en lo más profundo, pero cada día solamente entiendo que puedo seguir hundiendome aún más.

"The Overload" by Talking Heads is interpreted as a reflection on the disintegration of personal and societal structures, using metaphors of "gentle collapsing" and "removing the insides" to describe gradual breakdown and change. The song conveys feelings of uncertainty about the future, the emotional weight of impermanence, and a sense of shared human fragility, with lines like "I'm touched by your pleas / I value these moments / We're older than we realize" indicating a connection amidst existential vulnerability. 

Key Themes: 

Disintegration: The lyrics suggest a fading or breaking down of things, both physically and conceptually, through phrases like "gentle collapsing" and "the removal of the insides".

Impermanence: A sense of things coming and going, leaving them unnoticed or altered, is present, highlighting the transient nature of existence.

Uncertainty & Weakness: The song touches on a feeling of uncertainty for the future and a sense of being too weak to even recognize or understand how things are unfolding.

Emotional Connection: Despite the themes of breakdown, there's also an acknowledgment of emotional connection and shared experience, recognizing a collective aging and shared vulnerability.

After spending weeks in my cave, in my head, in my mind and in my thoughts I finally decided that it was time to get out. It really was enough. I did it. I was on a self-destructive path. A self-destructive mission and I was done. I was done, I wanted out and I really did not know how. The only way I knew  previously was by running. Running away from everything. By not speaking my mind, by not expressing how I feel, by not acknowledging my pain, my sadness. By simply not being. 

So I did it. I sought help in the form of therapy.  I’ve quit smoking, I’ve quit drinking and well.. I want to say I’ve quit drugs but I haven’t done that in a while since the accident that happened in Berlin.

I am fucking doing this and you know what I realize. Now that I have therapy and not numbing my emotions with anything I find myself in a state where I don’t feel like being self destructive anymore. The only thing that is left is sadness. That feeling of emptiness is still  there. I feel like im just housing a lot of negative emotions now that want out.

I just suddenly feel the urge to release a lot of sadness and anger that I have been carrying inside of me. You know how I have mentioned that I’m not speaking my mind, how I am not expressing myself. I am a master in crossing my own boundaries and not putting myself first. Imagine doing that for your whole life, year after year with all that negative energy stored in your body. I feel that I am slowly bursting. Everyday I have tiny moments where I just want to sit down and cry when in the actual moment nothing is wrong. I wonder when I will get the point that this outpour of sadness will stop. 

1. All-or-nothing thinking: Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)

2. Overgeneralization: Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I didn’t get hired for the job. I’ll never get any job.”)

3. The mental filter: Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.

4. Diminishing the positive: Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“I did well on the presentation, but that was just dumb luck.”)

5. Jumping to conclusions: Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“I can tell she secretly hates me.”) or a fortune teller (“I just know something terrible is going to happen.”)

6. Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen (“The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!”)

7. Emotional reasoning: Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel frightened right now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.”)

8. ‘Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’: Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do and beating yourself up if you break any of the rule

9. Labeling: Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”)

10. Personalization: Assuming responsibility for things that are outside your control (“It’s my fault my son got in an accident. I should have warned him to drive carefully in the rain.”)