#anger speaking

For example, I’m one of the non-emotional parts.

(Some use intellectual/rational parts but I strongly dislike that term so I don’t use it, as I think my emotional parts rationalize too. They just do it with their emotions.)

Earlier, I was reading one of the posts that would make my emotional parts cry, but… I feel so cold about it.

Like. I simply read the post, my eyes glossed and I simply thought, humans gave commands to machines and got emotional about it.

I thought there’s nothing special about love attributed to machines or whatever.

And I also thought, maybe this is the part where I fuck up.

There’s a huge contempt inside of me towards love.

I have a strong distrust of affection.

I carry a large ball of hate towards it and I just don’t know what to do with it.

So I’m usually angry, and I push it away further, and it ends so bad sometimes I explode on people.

Well… I don’t hurt people or whatever but I do get into arguments. Which I guess does hurt people.

Sigh.

Fucked up thing is, I won’t remember this later.

I’ll have a vague feeling I fucked up but not even remember it. Which really screws my ability to apologize and repair things with people.

I guess I should work on managing my anger first.