vulnerability might just save you

This is my blog, where I allow myself to make sad posts about sad things.

“Our darkest nights are made of the hopelessness of nightmares,

to have my vulnerable, lonely and suffering parts be seen,

My cat died a while ago, and I really miss him.

I can almost feel him headbutting me in my legs.

I miss his cat smell, his meowing.

I miss how he had chosen me as his special human.

How pure and special his unconditional love felt.

I miss petting him, and seeing him knead blankets.

What hurts more is that I don't feel like he is truly gone.

I keep waiting for him.

People, and they die.

Death, but memory lingers.

Your laughter, your sense of humour.

I miss your art.

I miss your sassy-ness.

I miss you.

Being in the closet as a trans man is awfully lonely.

I want to date, have fun, maybe even find a partner.

I'm now feeling sure that getting adopted by a couple (or a group) could fix me!

I feel like an unwanted dog... or cat...

But... seriously... my family fucked up so bad.

I'm a mess, and I can pinpoint exactly where my shit began to unravel.

My mom hated and abandoned me, my dad loved me and then abandoned me.

No fucking wonder why now, I guess, that I want a daddy to love me forever, and I hate women (because they could never love me)!

(not in a all-women-bad-misogynist way, but in a internalized-misogyny-femininity-feels-bad-way)

I want to cry forever.

but because I had a shitty transphobic mother push her bigoted views onto me.

Had I had a better mom, she would've not only encouraged me, but would have been happy for me to explore my gender and identity.

Reflecting on our past has me going... wow! She surely fucked up my upbringing and failed to protect and care for me!

I won't ever be able to hug him again.

He's not alone, at least, but he's still dead.

In the midst of this grief, I can't look forward.

The light at the end of the tunnel is too bright, and I find myself looking away from it.

Even though I know I must walk forward.

And sometimes I think the real world sucks.

People are aging and dying, and losing is a constant truth.

Then I login.

Then I see:

someone's kid is having a blast learning something new.

someone's pet is learning a new trick.

someone is inventing a new medicine.

someone is on the streets, rallying for a better tomorrow.

And there is love. And there is laughter. And there is joy. And there is hope.

And not all hope is lost.

I find it very hard to talk about my sweet boy's death, but I did love him dearly.

He wasn't just "a cat". I've met people who despise animals, and for them, they could be treated like furniture, they don't care about animal welfare.

Well... their loss.

They would never know what it is like to be transfixed by the way sunshine plays on a beloved pet's fur.

Or how sweet it feels to feel one purr against one's hand, knowing it feels safe and content, having finally being able to trust a human, after going through so much shit.

Without words.

(they've taken them from me)

Without thoughts.