i rarely post anything too personal on here but needed to get my thoughts out. i'm a doctor in new york, at one of the hospitals with some of the highest number of cases in the state.
today was my first day back at work after being away for the past week, and it feels as if everything has changed over a matter of days.
all our ICUs have become COVID units, everyone is on ventilators. one patient unfortunately passed tonight ("everyone's dying," one nurse tells me) and her room was cleaned just in time for another patient to come in, for the cycle to start all over again.
i now dread hearing the call for anesthesia overhead, because i know that means another patient is getting worse, getting intubated. take a quick look at the emergency department census, and everyone is being evaluated for fever, cough, trouble breathing. many are waiting hours because there are 50 people with the same symptoms before them.
i was just informed the only open bed now for critically ill patients is in the post operative recovery unit. since no surgeries are being performed. everything else in the hospital has been put on standby. and it's still not enough.
it took me a while to recognize the weird pressure i've been experiencing in my chest as anxiety. just being in the hospital makes me anxious now. it's an unspoken tension felt between all the healthcare personnel, as we scrub our hands three, four times in between patients, as we carefully take off our limited PPE, safeguarding the one N95 mask that we're allowed per week.
but there's so much compassion through it all, for our patients and towards each other. "take care of yourself." "stay safe." it's said in passing in the hospital by everyone, and for that brief second, my anxiousness abates.
to everyone reading this, please take care of yourself and stay safe. i have no doubt things will eventually get better, but before then, please be kind to the healthcare system, and to each other, by staying home if you can.
