#anders writing

“I saved some for you.” Her voice rumbled through her chest, and he closed his eyes in pure joy at hearing it, finger pausing its movements as his hand instead splayed out over her exposed skin. “I’m not the only one that needs to hydrate after… that.”

She sounded cocky. He smirked. She deserved to sound cocky after that performance.

“I got it for you,” he sighed out, knowing this was an argument he would not win. Not when he was so sated he could barely keep his head up if he tried.

“And I’m saving some for you.” He felt her lips press against his hair, lingering ever so slightly. “That’s what I’ll always do from now on out.”

Anders let out a little chuckle, but not out of amusement. The man had never had anyone… love him. Of course Karl was there, but even Karl had grown up in a Circle, devoid of any examples of what real love could look like, or how one could show it. The two of them had done their best to show their love for each other, and succeeded, but Hawke had had her mother, her family, and the pure devotion that was her love language… was something Anders would never feel he’d deserve. The laugh was an uncomfortable reaction, but his heart warmed and he nuzzled closer to her.

“You won’t hurt me…”

“I wouldn’t, but what if he does?”

“He won’t… It’s okay. Just… do it.”

Opening his eyes again, he continued to trace the mark on her chest, blue luminescence cascading over her chest, his face and her jaw as he did. He smiled watching his own finger light up at the touch, little blue cracks moving up his skin that were not painful, but blissful. Soothing. Loving.

Both watched with a smile as Anders, playfully, withdrew his now glowing finger from the mark. When he moved, a spectre of a hand, tainted blue, remained in position against the mark, as if fighting Anders’ movement away from Marian. As the spectre faded away, losing the battle, it shifted back to where Anders’ real hand was, like a delayed movement…

The mark glowed brighter and this time Anders had to physically fight his own arm, before giving in and letting Justice reach out to the mark again, soothingly beginning to trace his finger against the mark once more.

He was just teasing though. The light the mark gave off was beautiful to him, and he enjoyed pushing the boundaries a bit to watch it glow when Justice grew impatient at being away from his beloved.

“The Chantry would have our heads if they knew we blasphemed outside of wedlock… and with a spirit.”

“Screw them,” Anders replied, smirking at her joke nevertheless.

“Nah, I prefer screwing you.” This time he rolled his eyes, shifting to rest his chin against her chest and look straight up into her eyes, catching her mischievous grin in time before she put on an innocent look.

“I wish I could hold you closer…” Anders breathed out involuntarily, aware who had said it if he hadn’t been thinking it himself.

Marian’s gaze warmed at the words, and she shifted to lie further against the pillows. “You are…” she replied gently, a hand shifting to rest against Anders’ on her chest, and pressing both hands down on Justice’ mark. The light burned brighter at that.

She closed her eyes remembering the connection she had seen flowing from her heart to Justice’s presence in the Fade, smiling at the comfort and protection she had felt. “I’d give my mind to you if needed…” she whispered, relaxing even further at the feeling of Anders’ lips pressing kisses along her collarbone. “Just like Anders did.”

“You have no idea how much he appreciates this…” Anders’ words were whispers against her skin, and her breath hitched in her throat at the sensation. “Ever since Kristoff… He wanted to experience love. For himself. Not remember a dead man’s feelings. No one would look at him.” Between each sentence, Anders trailed his kisses higher up, creating a path along her neck and to her ear to whisper a final: “Until you accepted him.”

“He accepted me.” The sadness in her voice caught Anders off guard, and he pulled back to look her in the eyes, still not used to the raw emotional damage that existed behind Hawke’s courageous facade. “You both accepted me. I am nothing special, Anders. I am not a proper daughter. I am not a proper sister… friend… mage… woman… Any label I have on me, I fail to live up to. I-“ He stopped her with a kiss, swallowing whatever other self-deprecating words she would have said to keep her safe, to protect, to love…

He pulled away to reveal blue light crackling through his skin, eyes flashing blue, but Anders still very much present. She watched, admiring… as their voices said: “You are perfect to us.”

An involuntary gasp of fear left Anders. Things seemed to move in slow motion, all sounds disappearing from around him aside from the anguished whimper that escaped the Mabari upon impact with the arrows. The battle continued, but Anders was no longer paying attention. He heard a faint call for Evan from Hawke, and the hound attempted to lift his head to look but failed miserably.

He convulsed on the ground beneath Anders’ fingers, trying to squirm away from the pain. That only made the wounds bigger, of course, but no matter how much Anders tried to tell the creature to stop moving, the dog didn’t. He wasn’t surprised, of course. Panic had settled in, no doubt.

“Stupid beast,” Anders cursed as he brought mana to his fingertips. “Why did you do that!?”

The whimpers continued and Anders tried not to let his mind get clouded by a panic of his own when he noted blood seeping past the creature’s fangs. “Steady…” Soothing the pain with magic, Anders pulled the arrows out, earning him a whimper each time despite the numbing spell. Piece by piece he threaded the veins back together, closing the wounds to the best of his ability, but his mana had limits, and so had the dog’s body. This would require a couple of healing sessions. But the dog would live.  

Just as he was about to let it be, satisfied that the dog would survive for now, a gust of wind touched his ear. He turned his head only to be reminded that he was still in the middle of a battle when coming face to face with the end of a dagger nearly puncturing his iris. He recoiled, slipping on his bloodstained hand…

But Hawke was there. Hawke was always there. Her fingers were curled around the fiend’s wrist, having saved Anders’ life. Both Hawke and the enemy were glaring daggers at each other. Soon only one of them would glare, the other crying out in agony as Hawke twisted her fingers, using nothing but her raw strength to separate the bones in the wrist from each other.

Satisfied he was safe, and that Marian had this under control, Anders noted the others were finishing off stragglers; the battle was over. Ambushes like these were not uncommon, but they were unwelcome. Though, usually, they had no problems fighting them off.

This time, Anders had been distracted. His mind had been on Marian, keeping any arrows from even coming close to her… which had apparently only resulted in missing the arrows coming for him.

Marian did not need such protection. And he was blatantly reminded of that when the mage tugged the enemy away from Anders by his broken wrist, pushed him up against the wall, closed her fingers around his throat, and pulled him up to dangle in the air… all without magic.

“Don’t touch him,” she growled before snapping his neck with force magic, his body falling to the dusty grounds of Darktown.

As if nothing had happened, she turned and rushed over to him and Evan, demeanour changing from that of a gruesome fighter, to that of a doting mother. Leandra’s genes were shining through when Hawke fell to her knees by the dog and let out a startled gasp at the blood, shaking fingers quickly starting to pet Evan’s head to reassure him she was there.

Anders cleared his throat. “He’ll be okay. A couple more healing sessions and he’ll be back to normal.”

The dog’s whimpers had not died down yet, but they were fainter and not as frequent. “What happened?”

Anders shook his head. “Damned dog jumped in front of me.” He couldn’t decipher neither his own anger toward the Mabari he had come to terms with by now, nor Marian’s facial expression. “What a foolish thing to do! He could have died!”

Marian tilted her head, that mysterious look still very much present.

“That was the last of them,” said Aveline as she approached, her breath hitched from the fight. “I’ll alert Donnic to this, and get it cleaned up… This is becoming a regular task, you know?”

“I don’t do it on purpose,” Marian answered.

“Sometimes I think you do,” replied Aveline with a little smile.

Anders missed most of the conversation, his eyes back to the dog’s pained eyes.

“I’m going to bring Evan back,” said Marian, “Can you two handle the rest?”

Isabela scoffed, “Do you have to ask, Sweet Thing?”

Before Marian could make a move to lift Evan, Anders was right there, picking the hound up himself. He struggled. Greatly. But eventually got to his feet, dog cradled in his arms. “Maker…” he panted, “what do you feed him?”

“Sometimes cheese,” she joked.

“I said no cheese, Marian. It’s not good for his digestion.” That mysterious look reappeared on Marian’s face, and Anders did nothing more but look away and start walking, grumbling about ‘stupid dogs’ and ‘foolish Hawkes’.

…

Marian watched as Anders carried her Mabari all the way back home to the mansion. There, he even placed the dog on their bed (which was unheard of when it came to Anders), with a blanket over him to ‘keep him warm’. She watched as Anders used more mana to check he hadn’t opened any wounds on the way home, crossing her arms over her chest, eyes glinting knowingly.

“Six months ago, you would have never even touched Evan,” she said victoriously. “Look at you now.”

Golden brown eyes flickered over to her before avoiding once more, keeping their focus on Evan. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You love him.”

She nearly snorted at how offended Anders looked. “No I don’t. It’s a dog!”

“He is a Mabari. Highly intelligent. Highly protective of his pack. And very much capable of choosing not to jump in front of a person to save their life.” Cockily, she moved over to the bed and sat down beside Anders and the dog. She tilted her head to lock her gaze with his, and offered him another smirk. “He loves you too.”

“Why?” Anders’ question was quiet and his eyes were almost as vulnerable as when he had given in to his love for Marian.  

“Because you’re his family now too. We’re family. And he wants you safe.” Anders sniffled, avoiding her gaze once more, before he tentatively reached out a hand to the dog’s ears, offering a gentle stroke. Evan glanced at Anders, before calmly closing his eyes to fall asleep under his family’s watchful eyes.

“I’m not going to get any sleep tonight,” Anders murmured. “Why does a dog have this hold on me?”

Marian just chuckled and offered him a hug. They had a long night ahead of them, neither wanting to fall asleep in case they missed Evan getting worse. Despite how awful this was, at least something good had come out of it.

“Ah! No, no!” Anders raised a hand and tried his best to remember the right commands to make this dog listen. “Out! Ah!” Rushing after the giant mabari, Anders grasped to the best of his ability at the dog’s collar, but the creature was too excited about people smiling and reaching out hands for him to sniff to notice Anders’ attempts and be gentle, ending up nearly knocking Anders off his feet and dragging him along once his fingers had hooked under the collar.

The giggles from Marian, the only person who could interject and help, only made Anders more agitated.

“No pets in the clinic!” Anders stood and yanked at the collar, but despite his anger, he was still gentle with animals, and the mabari didn’t notice. The dog instead stopped in front of a pale, weak child, whose mother sat with tear welled eyes smiling appreciatively at watching her sick child perk up again. The outstretched little hand was given a gentle sniff, before the dog started slobbering happily all over the child’s hand, earning a giggle.

Anders sighed and ran a hand over his face, turning promptly to Marian stood in the doorway. She was casually leaned against it, arms crossed over her chest and clearly amused. She gave a pointed look to three cats perched on a nearby fence, whom she was aware Anders was feeding for the sole purpose of having them join him at his clinic, and Anders switched tactics.

“No dogs in the clinic!”

“Why?” Marian gestured to the joyful little child, and the other patients watching with smiles on their faces.

“It’s unsanitary.”

Marian tilted her head the way Anders had seen her do when she was about to punch someone’s teeth in, and he awkwardly glanced away from the ever so strong woman. “I mean... Not your dog, of course. Although I did see him eat a bandit’s intestines once.”

Scoffing, Marian pushed herself off the doorway and started slowly walking over to her dog, who had upgraded to licking the child’s face. “And that’s different from us eating meat...?”

“We cook our meat.” Anders crossed his arms over his chest. Truth be told, he just didn’t like the dog. Or dogs in general. He’d caught the mabari falling asleep on Anders multiple times now when he had explicitly told the creature not to. It was the terms they had agreed on (yes, him and the dog) for the mabari to be allowed to sleep in the same bed as Marian... and consequently Anders. How dare the dog not listen to him?

“Yes, and then we don’t wash our hands once it has passed through our systems.” Anders caught the slight hesitance mid-sentence and knew she had used a nicer language for the sake of having an audience that included kids. He rolled his eyes at that...

Then he frowned when her words caught up with him. “You don’t wash your hands?”

A guilty look passed over her, eyes snapping away from him as she lifted her chin to start lying – he could read her like an open book at this point. “Of course I do.”

“Gross, Marian...” complained Anders with a sigh. But his annoyance disappeared when Marian whistled once and patted her hip. It was the only thing she needed to do to get her mabari, Evan, to rush over and stay at her side, pressed up against her leg. To Anders, it looked rather uncomfortable, but apparently, it was comforting to know she was protected – those were her words. Anders had thought she didn’t need to feel protected... and he had had a moment of agitation upon realizing the dog made her feel more protected than him. Considering he had Justice inside of him and was fully capable of smiting people who looked at Marian wrong, it was a little hurtful.

Anders was also annoyed over the fact that if he was a little overprotected of her, he wouldn’t be allowed to sleep in the same bed as her. Meanwhile, Evan could stay at her side and growl at nearby men without such consequences.

Quite rude…

Hm... maybe this wasn’t so much a case of not liking her dog... but more a case of jealousy.

Justice laughed at that, making Anders scowl.

“How pathetic to be jealous of a mutt.”

“How about you shut up?”

“Alright, alright.” Marian turned away from him, Evan following suit like he was glued to her leg. She threw her hands up, “No need to look at me like I came to burn your clinic down.”

Anders huffed, but he wasn’t annoyed at Marian. He had been too engrossed in the words in his head to notice he had been glaring at her, incapable of giving that glare to the being inside of him. “Sorry.”

Marian paused. “You didn’t come home last night.” But she didn’t turn around.

“Sorry...” he repeated, more deflated this time.

Frowning, Anders watched Marian stay put like that, back to him. He couldn’t read her like an open book when he didn’t see her facial expressions, and he didn’t like it. Turning, he glanced toward his assistants, who nodded their heads at him at the silent question he gave them.

They could cover for him.

“Let me walk you home.”

Marian glanced over her shoulder, and Evan did the same, innocent big eyes pleading with Anders to come back home with them – a look offered by both dog and owner. “I don’t need protecting,” she said despite her eyes saying she wanted him with her.

“No,” agreed Anders easily, shifting over and hooking his arm through hers. “But I think you need to talk. That’s why you came, right?”

“No, I came to burn your clinic down in a jealous fit of rage. You spend more time her than with me.” She was being sarcastic, and Anders could see, finally, in her eyes that she was hiding the truth. Most likely because he had hit the nail on the head.

“Come on.”

They left the clinic, entering the foul air of Darktown for what should only be a swift walk to the entrance into the Hawke estate’s basement, but Anders promptly walked them past it, earning a curious little whine from Evan.

“Let’s take the long way home. I could use some fresh air,” he explained with a soft little smile, letting go of her arm only to gently place it around her waist. Starting up the stairs to Lowtown, Anders took in a deep breath once ‘fresher’ air hit them. “I’m sorry I didn’t go home last night. I was busy at the clinic.”

Marian remained staring ahead of her, pretending to be watching where she was walking instead. “You don’t look like you’ve slept.” She said that like a statement, not to prove Anders was lying, but there was more to it. “For days.”

Anders’ grasp on her lessened a bit, but he kept put. He was well aware that he didn’t need to explain anything anymore to her; that she knew all about him enough to understand him with just a single hint... a bit like she and Evan... But sometimes even giving that little hint was difficult. “Yes...”

“But you were at home then. Days ago. With me.”

“I suppose I didn’t sleep even at home.” He glanced to Evan, trying to elude the conversation, perhaps, or lighten the mood. “Which is why I know Evan doesn’t do as he’s told when it comes to listening to our agreement.” Evan whined a little, but he didn’t look very sorry about it. Anders scoffed.

“Anders...” Marian stopped walking, and both her companions stopped too.

She turned to Anders, staring at him with eyes that almost seemed to try and penetrate his mind. But he didn’t look away from her. This way, he might not have to say anything. She found her answer in his eyes, just as he expected. He knew she had because her face suddenly dropped from curious to almost heartbroken.

Lifting her hands, she cupped his cheeks and the sheer comfort that gesture gave him made him forget she had only minutes ago admitted to not always washing her hands properly. “You know you don’t have to stay away from me when you feel like this,” she whispered.

The relief of her knowing he wasn’t doing too good, again, made his shoulders slump. It had felt like chains were dragging behind him trying to keep his mood up enough for her to still like him – but he didn’t have to do that... That didn’t mean he didn’t still go through the motion each time. It was just difficult... He hadn’t wanted to subdue Marian to a life committed to him, and now that his mental health was doing... this... with even interlopes, he felt the need to pretend he was okay so that she would have at least something nice in her life.

But it was too difficult... and it almost never worked anyway. Instead he isolated himself away from her and focused on his work to a degree that was close to obsession. But it was better than dragging her down with him into a dark pit of depression, self-hate and manic episodes.

Whilst they went through this very process of isolation and Marian pulling him back to help, the process was happening quicker, and the few minutes of tension between them now was usually as much as they would struggle. If one could even call that a struggle, especially considering Marian usually just tried to probe him to make sure she was supporting him the right way.

“It was just getting worse-”

“Hush.” She leaned up and pressed a kiss to his nose. “That just means you have more reason to stay with me.” Anders smiled faintly, but to him, and the way his mind was, that smile was as much as he could muster. Marian knew that, and her smile wasn’t strained, just warm.

She was always warm.

“It’s up to you, though.” She kept her hands on his cheeks as she spoke, and gently tilted her head to the side in a manner that wasn’t anger, just pure sympathy. “Is it too much to be at home?”

It was such a relief to even have a home... He hadn’t had that for so long that it was... still odd to live a life like that. “No. Besides...” Anders stepped a little closer, hands touching her waist so gently that it almost seemed he was afraid to hurt her. “After Leandra...” He paused and let out a little sigh at how Marian’s face didn’t change. There wasn’t even a hint of emotion in her eyes. She hadn’t processed the loss at all, Anders knew that, but she was too damn good at keeping her feelings hidden for him to help. “I felt horrible last night staying away from you.”

“I’ll be fine.” She was good, but she wasn’t that good. Speaking gave her away, the tone of her voice and the slight tremble revealing a truth she was avoiding with all her might. And he knew that had been a lie. She wasn’t fine.

No one was fine.

Already knowing what would help him the most, and now knowing what would help Marian too, Anders offered that faint smile again and pressed his forehead against hers. “Then I'll go home.”

She lit up a bit but tried to suppress it. “Okay, if you want.”

Evan barked. He had been watching with his ears perked, wide eyes staring up at his humans. “I still want a cat, you know.” Despite his words, he glanced down at the animal interrupting them, and offered a touch to the dog’s ear. Evan lit up, as he always did when Anders gave in a little bit and accepted the dog. Much to Anders’ surprise, the dog didn’t do what he always did: jump up and start trying to lick at Anders’ face. Instead, Evan shifted from being glued to Marian’s leg, to being glued to Anders’ leg.

Blinking in surprise, Anders watched the dog sit and wait for Anders to start moving, shifting his gaze attentively at things only the dog could see, hear and sniff as if protecting. Marian chuckled a bit, and for once, Anders didn’t try to push the dog off.

As Anders started walking with the dog right there with him, and Hawke wrapping an arm around his waist, equally as glued to him as the dog, Anders realized Marian had been right... It felt nice when the dog was protecting...

But it wasn’t just that.

It was just nice to be accepted and wanted… to be helped and supported.