It freaked Eddie out, the first time he saw just how much trust Buck has in him.
That he will let Eddie see him stripped of all his layers- literally and figuratively- and in turn, look at him so openly, vulnerably, like Eddie can never do any wrong, can never fail him in any way.
Which they both know is not true. Eddie did, he has. He can still barely hide a wince whenever he thinks back to the grocery store incident. You're exhausting.
So yes, it scared Eddie how much trust Buck put in him, like he will let Eddie tie him up and blindfold him and let him do whatever he wants to his heart's desire because he knows Eddie will take care of him.
And there's nothing more Eddie wants than to take care of Buck. He deserves to be cherished and loved like he's rarely been his entire life. He deserves to have the look of desperation for belongingness fade from his eyes everytime he sees a family and Eddie wants to give it to him.
But if it has somehow skipped Buck's attention, Eddie has a great track record of failing the people he loves. Really, it's exceptional.
And Buck. He just trusts and trusts and trusts. Never really gauged the concept of being cautious even after being burnt time and again. And Eddie is so afraid he'll burn him again. Slip up or get distracted or. Or let his unhealthy coping mechanisms rear its ugly head back into his subconscious where he wants to hurt and destroy.
But all of this. All for Eddie's what ifs and insecurities and self-doubt, he still can't bear to see Buck look hurt, dejected or painfully resigned. Buck doesn't deserve to feel like he has to make himself small like his very existence is a point of inconvenience- and if it was legal, the world will be short of at least 2 people by now- or like he spreads anything other than love and adoration to every life he touches.
So Eddie tries.
He tries on days Buck's shoulders droop down from the weight of his past. He tries by pulling Buck towards himself and letting him put some of the weight on Eddie's shoulders.
He tries by framing Buck's face with his hands so he can't give into the urge to look at the floor instead of right into Eddie's eyes when he tells him you matter. You matter and none of us can imagine a life without you.
He tries when Buck falters in his steps, by snaking a hand around his waist because Buck never has to take a step forward alone, ever again.
He tries to show Buck that he is loved, in every way imaginable. By remembering his coffee orders, by pushing him when he is stuck for too long, by hugging him like they can mold into one.
By showering him with so much love, worshipping every inch of his existence, in every sense of the word.
He tries by stopping Buck from shying away from all the love, with a firm hand and a hint of command in his voice. Because for all of Eddie's doubts about himself, he never doubts how deserving Buck is of love, more than half this world.
Because Buck is sunshine and innocence and love, love, love. Buck is the brighter side of humanity. So Eddie can strive to work on his darkness, scrub away his wariness of his own abilities because Jesus. Buck chose him, to be the one who gets to love him. So come hell or high water, he'll love him with everything he's got.
And he thinks maybe, maybe- with all the shy glances and breathtaking smiles, with every lucky morning he gets to wake up next to the love of his life, with every shared experience in sickness and in health, with every touch, caress and blissful sighs- he thinks maybe he is good at loving Buck.
Eddie thinks, with more certainty than ever, maybe he can start trusting himself because Buck trusts him.
And when has following Buck ever gone wrong for him?
