#amthought

Hello

Since I believe no one will actually gonna read this post, I decided to write my thoughts up here.

It’s saturday night and i don’t feel really well (mentally), maybe because I am such a weak person lol.

So today my family & I went to the yearly family gathering. Well just as usual we all talking about the update in our life. Of course, my parents didn’t forget to tell the families that I already got a job. My immediate family members were all there.

But then my mom & my older sis went somewhere, then my dad told the people there (2 of my uncles) that my older sister is such a grace. How she had IQ of 152 and all. I listen to that conversation and met eyes with my dad.

He then proceed to continue talking about me. I remember very clearly that he said i’m a lucky girl. He didn’t praise me at all. I am very sad and down at that time but trying to be playful. One of my uncle assure me that it’s not just luckiness.

All this time, all i’ve been doing, was just because of lucky.

I got a great score that leads me to good JHS bcs i’ve been lucky.

I went to a good SHS bcs i’m lucky, even if i’ve never cheated in all of my exams.

Then i got into one of the best uni in Indonesia bcs i am damn lucky.

I graduated in 3.5 years for bachelor’s degree with cumlaude were also lucky.

I don’t know all this time all i’ve been doing is nothing bcs i got lucky on my side.

All the hardwork and prayer, all the blood sweat and tears were for nothing.

Does he even know how hard I’m studying and make the papers all this time?

Does he even know what my score is?

Does he even know that i constantly got 120-122 of IQ since i was in kindergarten?

Did he knew that i practice a lot for my presentation so that i got lesser sleep?

I bet he didn’t. They didn’t. Because I’m a lucky girl. Whatever I did, they won’t acknowledge it. I remember that time after my mom saw my report card and saying that she knew I could actually got an even higher score for it. I knew there’s lot of 9 and I was included in the big 5 of ranking.

You know what? I guess she would tell me that I did a really good job. I don’t even hoping her to said that she’s proud of me. But she didn’t said anything like that but scolding me. I went to my friend’s house directly to cry on her arms. It’s such a sad memory.

I thought after all this time, maybe, maybe I could prove something that I am a hardworking person and maybe, I can do it. The study, the rank, the cumlaude, the everything. But I’ve been mistaken. I’m so far away from my sisters. I am...a burden? A shadow of her.

Well at least I know now what my dad’s thinking of me. What my mom’s too.

I am not great. I am not good at anything. Even if I did good, it’s because of my lucky star, not my hardwork. I am just a lucky person.