Aug 4, 2017
Current mood.
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Current mood.
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Evening Ponderings
Have you ever wondered what your coping mechanism is? Sometimes I wonder if mine is drinking- but I don't drink often enough for that. I've wondered if it's mental separation- but things are definitely too personal for that. Sometimes I wonder if it's seeking solace in time away from my loved ones- but then I think I've liked that long before I started "coping". Or merely "living". I'm not "living the dream". I've started to think it's just a story told to kids to say life isn't actually so bad... but actually, adulting fuckin sucks. Finances are a nightmare- cause working special ed (or even my dream job as a police officer) will never pay well. I get, and will continue to be) beat up daily, verbally abused, and stressed beyond belief. All in the spirit of helping special needs kids become more independent. Maybe my coping mechanism is saying I don't need one- thinking I'm invincible. That I must be strong or I won't be good enough for any job of service. Or maybe that I've already hit breaking point and am just coasting on by now. It makes me wonder how real my happiness is when I talk to friends or family. How real is the joy when it's often so short-lived? If it consistently takes me 4 alarms to get out of bed, what does that tell me about my life? Is my coping mechanism hiding in the depths of sleep? Why is my joy so short-lived when my happiness in life is making a difference? When it's helping people? I find real purpose in it, yet I have to fight to shake off bad moods 60-70% of the time. What happens when that increases to 80-90% of the time. Am I not going to want to help people anymore- regardless of what it costs me? Am I going to be one of those bitter, burnt-out people who are almost impossible to help because they won't help themselves? I really hope not. I hope I find a healthy way to cope. And not just cope. Live. Love. And be truly happy. Just some evening ponderings. @attackdogcas @purgatoan @growningupgeek @jensen-jay @therealdeanwinchester13 @copbydayfangirlbynight
i think i want to cry but i am not sure why. this is like taking care of a baby but the baby is me.
all the feels, all the time. it’s just not easy.
lmg12
I really want to sing, but my voice is half-assed, I want to write songs, but I suck at that. I want to be seen or noticed, but I don’t love my looks. I yearn skinship, but I don’t like most people. I want to tell him how beautiful he is to me in person, but I’m positive he doesn't like me like that. I want to be heard, but I’m ignored most of the time. I want to do so much, yet I do so little. Sometimes my heart feels like it’s about to burst from all the excitement and inspiration, I keep thinking “I want to do that so bad! That is so awesome!”, yet I always add “I’ll do that someday”, because I don’t feel good enough. I’m working on it, but the pressure of society is a heavy weight on my shoulders. A lot of people feel this way, which sucks.
All I want in life is to make people happy. But apparently I exclude myself.
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I work 3rd shift ok and yesterday I went to bed around 8am. And got up at 5:30pm and was still tired so by 6pm I was back in bed and I slept until 10pm. And if I could have anything in the world right now it would be a bed. I slept for 15 hours and all I can think about right now is how I can't wait for work to be over so I can go home and go to bed.