#amaposting

Journaling can be fun with lots of creative activities, but sometimes regression isn't as happy or bubbly as most journal prompts seem. Big Feelings can be especially hard and scary to work through in the moment when you're small and don't have the words to talk about them. Having the comfort of a caregiver and letting those feelings out in a safe place is good start, but not everyone has or wants a caregiver and working through the feelings is a big part that I don't see many people talk about in the agere space.

It helps to have other ways to show and get out your feelings when they get overwhelming, but some regressors need a bit more of a structured, guided way to make sense of the messy feelings in their head. My little Kokki is one of them, so I decided to put together some more guided questions for journaling through Big Feelings in a way that hopefully will feel safer and still maintain that small, more simple headspace to make it feel less scary to do. Something that a regressor could do on their own or with the extra guidance of a caregiver.

I may add more as new ideas come to me, and other caregivers are free to suggest additions as well. I hope they help!

Looks like someone's having a bit of a rough day today, huh? A lot of Big Feelings? It's okay, baby, you don't have to talk right now if you don't want to. It is about dinnertime, though, so why don't we go get you something to eat, yeah?

I know Big Feelings can make your tummy a little icky, but you gotta eat to take care of your body. Here, little one, why don't I feed you tonight? One little spoonful at a time. Can you do that for me? That's my baby, you're so good eating for me. I know it's hard, but we'll just take it one bite at a time, okay? That's it, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you.

I know, it's not fair, but come here, baby. Take my hand and I'll be with you every step of the way, alright? I'll lead you all the way through, and then tonight, when we're home and we've done all we could today, I'll sit down with you for a cuddle and a sippy of milk and a story before bedtime.

It's been very busy, but I promise it won't be forever, love. Things will slow down again and we'll have the time to have a proper play day then.

Like man, we don't have much time for major variety, so the base is usually old reliable scrambled eggs with ketchup every day. But the least I can do is dress it up with some sides. Dan loves fruits and veggies, so canned fruit has been a game changer. Lettuce is also a good go-to because dan goes through salad like a bunny rabbit.

Agetober Day 5 | Autumn

Kokki's been having a rough time, so I decided to surprise gan by writing one of ron prompt ideas from Rantaro's perspective. To my baby with love: You’re free to use this as your autumn prompt fill if you’d like, or you can write one to match! I love you. -Mimi

“Just a bit longer, baby, and they’ll be all done!” Rantaro carefully gave the foil-wrapped sweet potatoes one last turn at the edge of the campfire. “Are we being good and staying in our seat?”

“Yes, Ranran…!”

He turned to Kokki, who was sitting on a rock a safe distance from the fire for little ones and practically bouncing with excitement. Rantaro smiled. The rare sight of a giddy Kokki warmed his heart. When he’d heard that he’d never had fire-roasted sweet potatoes before, he knew he had to make it happen.

“Such a good boy!” he cooed, reaching out to cup Kokki’s cheeks. “You’re being so patient waiting for your special autumn treat!”

When he finally rolled the potatoes out of the fire to cool, however, Kokki had gotten much less patient, nearly falling off the rock from how far he was leaning. Rantaro gently but firmly pushed him back onto his seat properly.

“Ah, ah. I know you’re excited, sweetheart, but do you remember the rule I gave you?”

Kokki pouted, pointing at the foil wraps. “But they’re all done!”

“That’s not what I asked, Kokki. Are we too little to remember our rules, now?”

“N-no…”

“Then what was the rule?”

“To stay on the rock…”

“And why did Ranran give you that rule, baby?”

“‘Cause the fire is hot ‘n’ dangerous…?”

Rantaro smiled. “That’s right, Kokki. The fire is hot and dangerous, and Ranran doesn’t want you getting too close and burning yourself, okay? You’re much too little to be playing with fire.”

“But the potatoes—!”

“—were just in the fire, yes,” Rantaro interrupted. “That means they’re hot, so little ones shouldn’t be touching them without a grownup. Ranran knows how hot they are, so I’m letting them cool down enough to pick up. We don’t want to burn little hands now, do we?”

Kokki huffed, but conceded. “Guess not…”

“There’s my good boy!”

Rantaro leaned in and gave him a peck on the nose, watching chill-reddened cheeks light up even brighter. His heart fluttered—nothing got to him quite like making his little one smile. He’d do anything to make sure his Kokki was safe and happy. Anything.

Once the potatoes were cool enough, Rantaro picked one up and unwrapped it before handing it over. “Careful, baby, it’s still hot. Remember to blow-blow on it first, yeah?”

Kokki’s blush deepened at the childish phrasing—Rantaro supposed he’d have to baby him a little more—but he did as he was told, blowing softly on the yellow potato as steam billowed out of the purple skin. Rantaro watched eagerly, waiting to see how he’d like it.

1. Hold gan, kiss gan, touch and cuddle and carry gan in any meaningful way.

Kouki is frontstuck constantly, and on the rare occasions dan manages to go inside, it's a conscious effort. Dan has a lot of trouble maintaining focus just to see in headspace, and lacks any other meaningful sensory input, including touch. Because of that, I can't really hold gan in headspace, and since we're in the same body outside of headspace, the best I can do is hug ourselves.

It's sad, really, because Kouki's a very tactile little one. Dan's very touch starved all the time and I want nothing more than to just lay gan down on top of me for a nap and gently trace designs on ron back to soothe gan—something we call 'laxings and that dan hasn't really had since dan was a proper child. I can't pepper ron face with kisses, I can't cup ron face, I can't touch dan in any way that doesn't just feel like dan's doing it to ronpa. It's honestly really upsetting.

2. Care for gan in headspace properly while anyone else is fronting.

Again, Kouki is always frontstuck, and that include when other people are fronting. I'm always in front with gan because of this, but when others are fronting to hang out with people outside, there isn't really much we can do but watch what's going on from the front room. Kouki has no awareness of what's going on in headspace without maintaining focus, and dan can't do that when someone else is fronting. So often dan feels left out and alone even if I'm sitting right there with gan.

Even more than that, we have exactly one host that is able to push us all from front because dan runs on a different OS from everyone else. Dan comes out every day to go to work and handle work for us. You'd think this would help, but it doesn't, really. We don't really go inside so much as go to "sleep" in a way, I suppose, so any opportunity to give Kouki meaningful care during that time goes out the window.

Essentially, I only really get to take care of Kouki in the mornings when we get up and I make gan breakfast and such, and then at night when I tuck gan into bed. Everything in between is null when we have work. What's more, body memories often heavily override internal memories when hosts front, and so when we wake back up, the memories of the body at work end up slowly trickling back to override Kouki's nap anyway.

3. Care for gan out of headspace properly without tiring gan out in the process.

Caregiving is a lot of work, and often includes doing a lot of cooking and chores and housework in the process. I would love nothing more than to let Kouki lay on the floor and color or play while I did these menial tasks, but I can't. I carry gan with me wherever I go, and I use up our collective energy to do anything that needs doing to take care of gan. It wears gan out and honestly on the worst days makes it feel like dan is just doing everything ronpa, which completely defeats the purpose.

4. Talk to gan in a way that doesn't feel like dan is just talking or thinking to ronpa.

Our internal thoughts are generally very soupy and abstract, and while we're generally able to tell each other apart overall, it makes holding linear conversations amongst ourselves in our head extremely difficult. It's very easy for us to lose our train of thought and the conversation to collapse into mush at worst, and at best the soupy nature tends to make Kouki feel like dan is just thinking to ronpa even if dan knows it's me who's talking.

Talking allowed yields better results, but still feels like Kouki is talk to ronpa, which makes gan selfconscious. That's the original reason I made this blog in the first place. To give myself an external space separate from Kouki for gan to look at whenever dan needs.

Even then, though, it's not a perfect solution. Dan gets selfconscious and nervous, and as a result rarely uses ron own regression blog and almost never interacts with me to avoid the sting of feeling like dan is just playing pretend with ronpa.