#amandine

A Eulogy to a Chicken To Amandine

Thank you for loving me, and guarding my heart as your own, for loving me even when I couldn’t love myself. But I never earned your love; you were molded to love me by a millennium of rooster selection, directed by imprinting you on humans. So, you gave it unconditionally. But you taught me to want to be worthy of it. To be worthy of trust from the other animals I share my life with. To love them without needing them to return that emotion. Because of you, I am a trainer building trusting relationships with other animals. I know now that love isn’t as important as trust. Love is never a guarantee and should not be expected. But regardless, thank you for giving me yours.

If I am lucky, our time apart will be longer than our time together. My memories will fade: the sound of your voice, the smell of your feathers (and your stinky breath). But no matter how faded it becomes, I hope the memory of you will never stop being dear to me. I still remember crooning “Danny Boy” to you in a dark office as you hatched with a small twisted wing, a convenient excuse to isolate and imprint you, that faded with age. I remember the moment I knew you were a rooster, less than a week old and trying to fight the dog. When you were older, sleeping next to me when I was sick. Courting my feet and making nests in the laundry. Panicking and alarm calling when I cried until I picked you up and held you.

I hope you had a wonderful last day. I hope That the heart attack was fast. I hope that you weren’t in pain before. The suddenness tore through me, but I hope for you it was the best way to go. And maybe I’m glad that I didn’t have to watch you fade slowly I never felt that your death would be a relief from watching you slowly decline; I would’ve hated myself for that.

Despite the constant anxiety over you the last couple years, and my issues with anticipating your eventual death, I never had to watch you slowly decline, so I can always remember you as bright and brilliant. And I hope you knew I loved you too. I’m sorry that Midori’s jealousy made me more distant the last years. But I’m glad that someone loved you as much as I did. Watching you explore together and you putting up with him LICKING YOUR EYEBALL memories I’ll treasure (but seriously WHAT THE HELL was up with the eyeball thing).

amandine: would enjoy a drunk cig soooo much + accepts + hogs any blunt handed to her but doesnt keep anything on hand (princess)

casper: cycles between "only in a crisis" (ie constantly) while single or if markab isnt smoking and full on cigarella. causes tension bc markab actually can and does quit when it starts to bore him like his novelty seeking brain starts looking for other ways to get the hit whereas casper is extremely chemically and psychologically addicted and never succeeds n is so horrifically embarrassed about it. chastises lee ortega for being too young to smoke yet thrusts a fag upon her anytime anything remotely hard is happening or there is an awkward silence or anyone does anything at all

perfect authentic cadence: the vaperrrrrr

This is the sequel of a story made with @hel-phoenyx and @soupedepates

She's asleep.

I made sure of that. Stayed with her all evening. Didn't even get back to my own appartment, didn't even change, I'm back to work.

It's 3 AM. Still, the lights are up. I know for a fact the commissar won't be here, that's a good thing.

I'm in so much trouble.

I stole her some cigarettes. I light one. Put it into my mouth. It smells good. It smells great. Fuck, it's been about three years since i've taken one.

Bad habits never die.

Let's sum it up. Fenrir, this man I knew was up to no good, used me to hurt Domhildr and her friend. As a token of petty vengeance, she has decided to out him to the entire function.

Fenrir will know. Sooner or later. What is pretty good is that nobody will ever talk shit in his face, or else they would have to fight Amandine, and this girl is stronger than half the police united.

What is bad is that he'll know anyway.

He'll blame me.

It will get to the commissar.

Maybe they'll even ask for an investigation. On Domhildr. Maybe they'll blame her instead of me.

Let's try to think calmly, as i get out of the car, and let out a sigh.

The badge work.

I get in.

Get to my desk.

There are a few notes. One of the commissar. "Tell your girl she's banned from this building unless she wants trouble". Didn't have to tell me boss.

I'll miss her her pastries.

No time to cry. I brush off the tears. Calm. Composed. Remember the training. Remember who you are.

There must be a way.

4 AM.

5 AM.

6 AM.

They start to come in droves. Still not slept. Got some messages. How can I change everything ? How can I save at the same time the girl I like and the man who hurt her ?

My eyelids are getting heavy.

Whenever I blink, another hour has passed.

8 AM. Amandine comes to my desk.

"Have you been here all night ?"

She does not joke. Amandine never jokes. She's as stern as a woman can be.

"I want to stop...destroying...everything..."

"Hold there, Sigismund, I am not your psychologist, nor your psychiatrist. Have you seen him lately ?"

Oh. Yeah. I was supposed to have a psychiatrist. Never got one. Lied to my colleagues, so that they did not worry.

I'm tired of lying.

"No."

I do sound like a child caught red handed. It's ridiculous.

"I'll talk to Fenrir. So that he knows he can come to me if he needs something."

"That's my problem, Amandine"

"Not since your friend decided otherwise, Sigismund."

Her eyes.

Cold as ice.

Just. Like. Father.

Calm down. Calm down.

Another cigarette.

"You smoke ?" she asks.

"It's been three years."

"You should stop."

"I know."

But the smoke is too good, it feels too great. It's a poison, but a poison i'll take.

"I don't want you to talk to Fenrir, i'll do it." i say with as much determination as I can.

"Why ?"

"Because it's my fault. I'll make amends. I'll...do anything he wants, take his files, his anger, I don't know why he doesn't like me, I don't care. I'll do what he wants."

"Are you talking about a colleague or a criminal ?"

There it is.

Burried in the panic, I finally feel it.

The anger.

I'm angry.

At Fenrir for provoking me.

At Domhildr for taking the bait.

At Amandine for staring at me with those cold ice eyes.

But what can I do ? Anger doesn't change the world. Justice does. And justice is punishment for the guilty. I am guilty. Of everything.

I don't want Domhildr to suffer.

I take my phone. Send a message.

Don't come back to the commissariat. Ever. Walpurgis is angry. I'll try to arrange things. Please, for once, be the only oen who believes in me.

I look at Amandine.

She has disppeared.

In her place, the grim smile of another man.

A man named Fenrir.