#alterhuman problems

I was talking with my mother a few days ago about my therianthropy, and how hiding it was very hard and stressful for me

I heard her say "I don't want you to hide it" which surprised me, I felt such a joy and a relief.. she made clear she was really against it and stuff. I thought she changed her mind or smth for a second, and then

"I want you to get rid of it" My relief got replaced with anger and disappointment in a millisecond.

I CAN'T voluntarily get rid of something involuntary.

I don't want to do it either.

I feel like I can't trust her anymore. I wish she could just accept it or respect me and not force me to shut it down and hide it, like I spent all my life doing.

The only safe space I have to talk about my alterhumanity, and being taken seriously and not being made fun of or judged is the internet. Tumblr mainly since people in other social media HATE therians and alterhumans in general.

I think it why I am so protective over my ocs and my worlds because it The One Thing that I have complete ownership of. It is mine, made of my creation. I may not be an artist-- other people are already doing it more and way better than me. Just because I know the terminology, and can make an art, doesn't mean I am a true artist.

This goes for lots of other things too. I can't truly be queer, because other people are more queer then me, feel the emotions and the pain more than me, understand themselves more than me, are more trans than me. I can't be a boy because I don't own the body, I don't own the experience despite how much it hurts me that I don't. No point in being trans-- I can't be a boy in any regard, not until I get all the fundamental boy experiences and possesions and I have been a boy my whole life not just when I decided I was trans in middle school.

But to relate it back to alterhumanity and therianhood, and specifically fictionfolkism and how I have been using this inherent discomfort. With a regular character, right. Like say for instance some of my genshin kins. The characters that I 'wanted' to kin came easy, I loved them and found that I related to them. But in hindsight I don't think it was actually kinning, just an intense like, maybe even constellic or chosenlink of some kind. I hate Mika, I don't like that offbrand len asshole. And maybe I will come around to him, but I just. Eugh. I don't like him. But thats not how I dislike wanderer. Wanderer I hated for no reason. I wanted to like him, I loved his design, his introduction as scaramouch, whatnot.

The only way I can explain it is like. When I hate a character in the same way I hate myself. Then I realize I must be them, in some aspect, because I am hating them like they are me. when I realize this I will actively, and kind of subconsciously, avoid them like the plauge.

I did this with my current main kin-- Draco Malfoy-- literally my whole life. With that entire world, my home, I never got to enjoy or experience it without being scared of it and hating it like I hated myself. Not until it was too late, and it got stained by a person who, unfortunately, created it. Which worsens that feeling even more. I don't want to support her, but I have to face the facts sometimes.

i

can't

stand

cleaning

cleaning my den and moving things around brings down my vibe so bad and i have a somewhat related issue with cleaning my bedding/toys and its partially related to my nonhumanity and partially to my autism

i cannot stand change in my space

ive noticed the family dog is the same way, she gets sulky when my mother decides to rearrange furniture

dogs are creatures of habit and comfort and i am definitely a dog

like my current crisis is; Am i a winged human who has the wings/features of a dragon or am i a winged human AND a dragon separately???

i also used to think i was a winged dog because i figured out i was dogkin before i figured out i had wings but no, they are two separate kintypes.

I am hungry in a way that mortal things can not sate.

I feel disconnected from the world around me. I can not taste it. I should be able to reach my fingers out and feel the energy all around me. I should be able to taste the essence of those around me. I shouldn’t have to read people's emotions because I'm made to taste them. I should know everything by the flavor on my tongue. My awareness should be made by the feeling on my lips.

I am filled with the urge to devour the things that irritate me.

I am made to consume. To taste. To feel. To eat.

I should know and taste and connect.

I am hungry.

So I send my love to those in a similar situation.

To the vampires that crave blood.

To the predators that crave meat and prey.

To the monsters made to hunt

To the beings who desire food that their human body can not eat.

To the entities who crave for something not in this realm.

To all who can not eat what they crave.

And those who can not sate their hunger.

I see you and your hunger, and I offer you my support and empathy. It is difficult to hunger for something you can not have.

I hope one day you shall be able to consume what you crave and sate your hunger. Until then, do what you can.