#alterhuman vent

Its father's day here in my country ahem ignore my vent ahead, or not idk i just wanted to take this off my chest

I miss all my children.. the ones from my past lives... I miss eytukan, i miss edd and molly, and i miss my older daughter Sophie

Im sorry eytukan, for not being able to protect you from the fall of the hometree.. that interrupted your so short life. I really hope youre in the merciful arms of ma eywa.

Edward, Molly and Sophie. My precious children, im so sorry for not being the father i was supposed to, for failing at protecting you and your mother. To be the figure i was supposed to be. Im so so sorry.

I hate to admit it I really do, but sometimes I really do hate humans. As much as I see their beauty it also pisses me off how they act sometimes. ESPECIALLY when it comes to a relationships. Another 4 dimensional being wouldn’t do this to me… another ancient being wouldn’t be hurtful like this. They wouldn’t tell me they adore me, give be 3 days of the beginning of a beautiful relationship and then just cut it off because they’re scared and bc they’re mom made them scared. Actually another being like me wouldn’t use that as an excuse or lie. We don’t go around making rash decisions if we don’t know we can follow through with them and betray the one we made a pact with. Frankly screw romantic feelings I’m just pissed off I feel lied to, betrayed, and screwed over. I’m just pissed off someone would get my hopes up just to smash it for basically no reason. No talk, no chance to actually make sense of something, nothing. And what’s worse? HUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER. Humans are typically supposed to say, “I’m sorry, I hope you’re doing ok. Blah blah blah, blah fucking blah” She couldn’t even make sure I was ok? All because she thinks I’m going to steal her fucking boy that I BARELY know. I don’t want his fuck ass I just wanted to love her. And I could. For 3 days I could and then she just- tore that from me. She doesn’t owe me anything but she didn’t even give me the bare minimum. They made a TikTok afterwards. Why to evil human girls do this to me? I fall in love with them, they say they did to, then leave me to feel like a thrown out, stepped on plastic. It’s not fair. She said she saw me. Me me. The me that belongs in another dimension. The me made of light, energy, and vibrations. She said she believed me. I trusted them both with my stupid human heart. I hate it here. Everyone is cruel on accident, careless, and so unintelligent about how they go about relationships. It’s so insensible it annoys me. I’m sure we’ll be friends again. I didn’t stop loving her. But I’m not going to forget that she lied about loving me. No one who loves you leaves you feeling alone and betrayed. I know she’s probably just scared. I am too. But this is just wrong. I don’t understand how humans don’t understand that if the correct thing to do is scary, you still do it. It’s not as convoluted as they desperately want it to be. She didn’t even say sorry. Just hearted my message and left me. I’m so tired of people doing this. No matter who I look to absolutely everyone disappoints me. My family, my friends, my lovers. I trust my cat more than I do people atp. I want to go home. At least then when I mingle I might meet someone intelligent. That’s the thing. She is intelligent. She just refuses to let herself be. I get in my own way too but I still struggle to understand. I love her so much I wish she would just get herself together. She’d be so much happier. She’d shine so much brighter which is saying something because she already shines fairly bright. Idk. I’m tired of humans. I’m tired of this tiny little useless world.

Missing things about my body I never even had.

Sometimes I hate how animalistic I am

Because it ultimatley makes it harder for me to communicate, I absentmindedly rely on things I dont have to show how I feel, and then get frustrated when people dont know what Im feeling. I don't have a tail to wag or tuck in, sharp fangs to show when I'm angry or scared, I don't have ears that pin back or can show when I'm listening to you, I can't raise my hackles when I try and defend myself. I cannot show when I need someone to back off, cannot show my true anger or frustration in a situation, cannot show my fear, cannot show my happiness. As an autistic person, sometimes I'm very non-expressive, and having my animal features back would really help me.

And then theres all the things people do see - the hissing, the barks, the yelps, the litle cat noises, and it gets me judged. (Not always tbf, multiple people in the past have asked me how I do my trilling cat noise, which is mostly a stim that I don't have control over and cannot do on command)

I wanna run around on all fours and feel the freedom of running fast and without care through the fields and woods, jumping over obstacles, but my body physically wont let me comfortably do that because of the fact I dont have the right anatomy, my muscles and joints are fucked and sometimes painful (still don't know why, may be genetic) and I fell out of practise doing quads because of the bullying I faced in high school.

I wanna run in the snow, but I get too cold because I dont have a thick fur coat to keep me warm.

I hate how animatilistic I am on the inside because it reminds me how much I am not what I wanna be and how I feel I should be. It reminds me of the judgement I got that caused me to hide myself, and the bullying I got for simply trying to exist comfortably.

I wonder why cant I just be happy as a human - Why do I identify more as a canine? But then I remember human beings can be so awful, and theyre like one od the most unnatural thing on this planet and sometimes i dont know how anyone can be so proud as to identify as one

i hate being a therian

i hate having species dysphoria

i hate having prey drive

i hate feeling like im meant to be a fox

i hate that fact i am a fox

i wish i was human